i.

girl that likes kissing girls, with a soft arched back and plump thighs and sheer blouse and nude panties and thick curled hair– a goddess in slant eyes, with a heavy lilting crackling voice like spinning vinyl, who can’t help but feel like a great big thing going nowhere fast. come here, to a place full of people hungry for you and spin for me i am envious of your beauty. come here. i will eat you up. i will love you.

ii.

girl that once was a boy, who hates her thick thighs because they remind her of wanting to be better, whose face isn’t round enough, who needs to be singularly and wholly woman because tugging at the pinches of her skin is dysphoria and cold dark places and crescents of pinked indents. come here, come in i am a house with wood floors and old brown couches let’s sit together and share warmth like lovers share breaths. i will give you a place to rest your head.

iii.

girl that is breaking, who cuts her skin with plastic knives and tears the seams of her dresses so she doesn’t have to wear them, who practises every night in front of the mirror her reasons not to wear a swimsuit but knows her words will only stutter and fall, who is scared of people because they all do the same, are the same, walk the same, talk the same and scream and hurt and hate the same. come here, i will give you bandages and help you hide things that you don’t want to be seen until you learn to love yourself. take it slow. i will hold you i promise i’ll be gentle.

iv.

girl that needs soft nice things. that needs to hear the word darling. that needs to be held. that needs a place to rest her soul. that needs love. that needs someone who will cry for her. that needs someone to tell her things are alright. that needs someone to accept her. that needs to hide things. that needs to take a breath. come here, i will be your world.

v.

i’ll be there for you.

#poetry

so many rules,

methods, rights

and wrongs

and we wonder

why our words

fail to conjure

the magic

in our hearts.

you always said I was

selfish.

and impatient.

impulsive.

forgetful.

clumsy.

and a crybaby.

but you also said you thought

I was cute.

you told me you liked

the bad sides of me

the best.

it was someone I showed to

only you

because I trusted you

and loved you.

that's what you told me

anyway.

and I think I actually

believed you.

until one day

it wasn't cute

anymore.

I wasn't endearing

and adorable.

it was just

annoying

and obnoxious

and ugly and loud and nerve-grinding and goddamnit why don't you just shut the fuck up for once you stupid bitch I wish I had never moved into this stupid goddam cage I am fucking suffocating trying to take care of you for all hours of my life why don't you fucking grow up why don't you think of my fucking feelings for once goddamnit this never fucking worked we were just lying to ourselves I'm done I'm fucking done with this broken disgusting mess you call a fucking relationship I

can't

do this

anymore.

i am far more insecure than one might think. 

i look at my thighs, my calves, my belly, and think, "fat". when i think that i am fat i also think that i am ugly. if i am ugly then i will be unloved. so i have to hide it, have to get skinnier. i do not want people to think i am ugly.

i look at my acne-scarred skin and think, "disgusting". oily and lumpy and scarred dark. no one will love this ugly brown skin of mine. i want to have perfect smooth skin like those other girls. i do not want my future love to think i am yucky to touch.

i look at the mistakes i made on my test and the words i pronounced wrong in yesterday's conversation and think, "stupid". stupid people go nowhere in life, so i need to get smarter. work harder.

i see how i want to do nothing but eat and sleep and read and play and think, "lazy". lazy people don't want to work hard, or work at all. no one will want to hire me, and i will die in poverty. i do not want this either, so i need to hurry up and grow up.

i look at my endless tears and unjustified rage and think, “you ungrateful scum”. i feel like they hate me, but they’ve already tried their best to please me. i am spoiled and coddled and i live such a good life. no one will want to take care of me or be my friend if i am like this, so i have to learn to be grateful for what i have.

the future stretches out before me. i am still in middle school, i have so much more time to decide. but i think my insecurities have decided my fate already. i know i am going to die. i do not want to die sad and lonely and disgusting, so i will die by my own hand, on my own terms. this is the only way for me to stop hating myself, i feel. at least in death i will be beautiful.

i hate that i am thinking this way. should i not be looking forward to the bright future i have? i am full of potential. so why do i feel the need to end it all? 

i want none of this.

She once stood on a hill,

Observing all the ant sized people,

And buildings standing tall,

She knew she was smaller than most everything

In the universe,

Yet she held on to the hope that she made an impact

On even the lives of strangers,

And that she wouldn't disappear amongst all the ants

Down below.

the traffic light blinks. and

blinks.

and blinks.

clicking on

and off

through the blinds.

shining weakly on

my skin

between the sheets.

I can't sleep

again.

I haven't been able to

for a long time now.

even before you left.

I think they call it

"anticipatory grief."

in other words

I knew you would leave

before you even thought

about it.

that's probably why I

didn't cry.

honestly I think I already adjusted to

the depth I would feel

in my stomach

when you finally turned away.

I've actually been doing

okay.

I even went on a date

last night.

and I had fun.

well

kind of.

it's kind of hard to laugh at

other people's jokes

when I hear your smile

in my head.

but he was nice.

and I had a nice

time.

even if I had to

pretend

a little.

you know

I wish I had drank more wine.

maybe then I could go

to sleep.

I have lived

So long

For other people...

I don't know

How to live

For myself.

the first time

you held my hands

in yours

you looked

into my eyes

i was drawn

into your soul

within seconds

i knew;

felt the flow

things happened

time goes by

i'm still here

tuning my soul

to yours

through bad times

and the roughest

and you wonder why?