I've been slipping down

Shoving it all inside

I don't run to you

I stay still

And bury it deep inside

I will be my own savior

You say it seems as if I hate the world

But I am just walking it

Terrified to try

Because when I walk in the sun

I think I will fry

I am one of the damned

Why would anyone be good to me

I don't hate the world,

The world hates me

I loose my train of though

Trying to be something I'm not.

You may not remember me, I may be a memory just out of reach

To you I may now be a stranger, but I know, I will always be more.

You may not remember the sound of my voice, or the way you loved when I sang,

But that's okay, I'll sing anyway.

You may not remember the punch lines to all your jokes anymore,

But that's okay, I'll laugh with you anyway.

You may not remember how I hugged you tight, 

But that's okay, I'll hug you anyway.

You may not remember my face, or my eyes,

But oh how you loved my eyes,

And oh how they fill with tears these days,

When I look into your face.

You may be in your own little world,

But you are still my world,

And I will love you always

You may be barely holding on, and you may not have very long, 

But until the end, I will hold your hand. No matter the pain, I will be your strength.

It's time to say goodnight

For I think I've lost this fight

All my strength is sapped

I'm loosing control of my thoughts

They run rampant along an unpaved road

Yet I feel trapped

Will today be my last?

In my sleep

I hardly dream

I toss and turn

For it feels nothing have I earned

What is this sleepy feeling

That keeps me drowsy

Though I cannot sleep

I do not admit though, that I have weeped

I've learned, that some worlds are not meant to meet

Because worlds that meet

And collide

Those worlds,

They do not survive.

And in the crash

The catastrophe begins a tremor

A chain effect,

That brings down death

And soon a black hole is born

And everything that enters is lost forever

Nothing can escape

Nothing can return

Some worlds are better far apart,

Better that, than to fall from gravity 

She either dreamed to much,

Or gave up hoping

There was no in between for her

She was either angry or indifferent

She couldn’t ever decide on anything

Or commit to anyone

She was always on the run

She either hated herself

Or hated everyone else

She either loved to much

Or pushed everyone away

She never wanted to be a burden

So she carried the weight of the world upon her bony little shoulders

She always wanted a hand to hold,

But would not let anyone help her

She only ever wanted a way to spare others from pain

There was no helping her

When she would not help herself

She never knew how to be pacient

She was kind, and clever

But she gave her heart out to soon,

From then on, she was doomed

She loved with a passion so deep

And her heart got broken

And her mind became corrupt

She no longer knew how to trust

She was always in the way

She thought herself a pain

She knew only that those close to her

Ended up for the worse

She wanted to walk away from the world

To save it from the tempest inside her

She was just a girl, always unsure

She felt as if she were always alone

When she was the one who isolated herself

She was to stubborn to ever realize

That she pushed people away

There was no saving her

No one could hold her 

And tell her it would be okay

Not when she wouldn’t let them stay

Her hands were always clenched too tight

As if she were ready for a fight

She learned to early in life,

How fragile love can be

She missed her chance

Her whole life might have been different

Now she lives as if in a trance

She lost out on love

Now she’s just given up

44.) I'm the one who talks too much

And laughs too loud

And never really knows what's going on

I'm the one who never listens

Who is never the first choice

And is never understood

I'm the one who is never great at everything

Or the best anything

And can never let go

Of all the things' she doesn't know

I'm the one who never fits in

But never stands out a step above the rest

And despite all her seeking

This girl I am

Is the one who never gets the truth

I'm the one who has always taken the beatings

Yet never is recongsigled

Recognized, or reconercised,

I am always just the given

I'm the one taken for granted

I'm the given

Yet never forgiven

For never being enough

45.) I want to live simply

To stand in the sunshine

And look through a lens

At things that will never be taken from me

Immortalized in one simple scene

A photograph made by no other means

Than a love for the art

And a love that is felt deep in the heart

I want to write words that will change a life

Not a paper, to change a grade

I want to give meaning to others

Give truth, and happiness

I want to make a difference

I want to be different than I am

I want to enjoy what I am

And fall asleep quickly at night

I want to feel my body slip away from this world

With no rush, or hurry,

Or need to be

Anything more, than me

I want to be alive, feel alive, and feel awake

Only give, and never take

I want to be governed by my heart, and mind

Not money, not a clock, or the restraints

Of the human race

I want to be boundless and immortalized

Not immobalized by fear or weakness

I wish just to be something.

In the end

Most of all

I want to bring meaning, and life, and love

To someone in need

I want to change even just one life

To make a difference, for the better.

46.) in the future, I am free

I have all I'll ever need

In my someday I will move on

Move away and forget

Leave behind all this regret

In my someday

I am happy

Ian successful

And finally, I don't care if I'm good enough

For all I've left behind

Is finally nothing too me

Finally I will be free

In my someday

There are no nights full of fear

Of people yelling in my ear

There will be a place I can call home

Instead of a prison where I am forced too go

In my someday

There is no one forcing pills on me

Or haunting my dreams

There is no one hindering my creativity

I can see clearly

In my someday

In my someday

The pain he wrot, is all but forgot

I've learned that love it was not

I dream of my someday

Where my dear sister is safe

Is back too herself

Not lying somewhere dying

From alcohol she's been buying

In my someday,

She is alive and well

Not somewhere, locked away in a cell

She will have found the cure

She will have learned

In my someday,

My brother is home

And happy

And not scared

From what he's seen

Not lean

Not mean

Not cruel

No, in my someday,

He has been saved

He stood brave

In my someday

I live far away

I live for that day

Where I can have all I've ever dreamed of

It will no longer be a figment of my mind

All those who have been blind

Will see

All they could be

In my someday

There is nothing standing in my way

Don't antagonize me

Don't say you know me

Don't pretend like you care

Because when I was lighting myself on fire

You weren't even there

When I was leaving marks on my skin

Where were you then?

When I was silent, consumed in my own depths

You didn't work to bring me up,

Or as what was wrong

You called me a slut,

Made me feel like I didn't belong

Yet I already knew

That this was true

That I had no place in this world

This squad was not my own

I stand on the outside

And I walk the road alone

I am the caretaker of the garden

The one who makes sure everything is okay

But one day

When I'm not there

Who will come and take me by the hand

And ask why I don't want to stand on this land

Who is there to keep me from carving deeper

The burns in my skin

So deep I fly in the sky

And join those who sleep

Who is there too help me bare

The weight of the day

Who is there to try and make things okay

I am the pedals that fall from a flower

Slowly lost in the earthy soil

Never cherished,

Just left there to lie

Left there to die

Solitary and alone

Without a home

Without someone to love me

Or someone to even say they care

Because when I needed you there

You turned away

I was stuck with the words I couldn't say

And still, you can't utter my name

Without bringing distain

And your always worsening my pain

Just let me lye here

And let my brain recharge

Let the healers restart my heart

As it beeps with a flat line

Join with the race of time

Don't build me a shrine

Please

Help me live

Help me forgive

Don't let me die unloved

Can you not see, the red lines beneath my eyes?

You who claim to be my friends.

Can you not hear the silence, from my closed mouth?

You who act as if you know me.

Can you not feel my pain, radiating like death?

You who have nothing to loose.

Can you not see, I have nothing left?

You who are my squad, with you, I feel like a fraud.

Can you not tell, how deeply I still love him?

You who went along the way with me.

Can you not see, that he is killing me?

People are all around

I feel like I'm pressed in

I sit so quiet

I can't conjure any words

My thoughts are muddled

He is there

There is something to prove

Yet it is wrong

I do not belong