I'm not quite ready

to let go yet

to let go of the days

when I hide in my closet

giggling when I hear them

call my name for hide and seek

my brother came in my room the other day

he was scared by an unexplained noise in his room

our parents were out and my sister was at a friend's house

he jumped on me and we watched bts dance practices

his eyes fluttered shut, lulled to dreamland by the quiet music

as he scooted up to me, I realized

he came to me for comfort

but who would I go to for mine?

I'm not quite ready 

to let go yet

I still get teased because of my height

my friends call me shorty and kiddo

but there will be a day

when I don't look like a kid

I'll be an adult

with a house and a partner and a job

and I would have let go of those days

my friend facetimed me the other day

his parents told him they can't pay for his tuition

he was crying to me, "how will i go to college?"

we talked for hours, him becoming less stressed, but me more so

when he hung up, he thanked me for being there for him

I was there for his comfort

but would he be there for mine?

I'm not quite ready

to let go yet

I look around me

at my car, at my keyboard, my guitar, and my speakers

at my desk, my closet, my laptop, and my posters

at my family, my dog, my cameras, and my books

my life is just like any other's

everyone else has to let go

they seem ready to let go

but I'm not ready

to leave everything behind

and become someone new

i think it's really just centered around how genuine he is. he's so real and open about who he is and his struggles with himself, and i think that's really rare. as someone who has been diagnosed with anxiety, i find him to be inspirational and motivational.

ofcourse, his appearance doesn't hurt either-

Looking at you,

I can almost understand why I thought it would work

I can understand the girl

who fell in love with the one who wasn't the one

Everything makes sense

when you're around

I don't know if it's your dimples

Maybe it's the way you laugh when you're embarrassed

but it made me believe the lies I was fed

Feeling you against me,

I can almost see the future we could've had

I can see who we would've been

Falling in love with you wasn't hrd

it wasn't even something I could prevent

I don't know if it's you giving me your hoodies

or the way you rest your chin on my shoulder when we hug

but it made me think

Maybe I could love you

even though you're not the one.

Is it so wrong that I miss you

Is it so wrong that I want to go back

to the days where my biggest worry was who I would sit with at lunch

Now it's all college applications and student debt

when it used to be multiplication facts and bus rides

I used to scream Paramore lyrics on the way home

begging for a taste of freedom

but I'd do anything to go back

to the days when all I did was laugh at bad jokes

a hole is where my innocence used to be

I can't remember the last time I threw caution to the wind

I'm constantly stressing

Will I make it in the real world?

all the fears suffocate me

turn me into something I'm not

I wish I was a butterfly, spreading my wings into the open

Is it so wrong that I miss my old self

Is it so wrong that I miss middle school

and the way I thought things would never change

the future felt so far away

and now it's here and I don't know how to cope

Hiding in my room, under the blankets

is safer for me

ignoring the risks I know I have to take

hoping the regrets will be taken away

just because I don't want to commit

wishing I could avoid the change that's coming

I know it's coming

sitting here feeling like I'm living a lie

Smiling when I sometimes feel like I hate life

Am I willing to put away all my fears

even though they don't want freedom to find me?

Emotions come for me at the worst of times

Is it so wrong that I want to go back

Is it so wrong that I want to remember how it felt

to laugh in a class with nothing weighing down my shoulders

I think I'm feeling too much like my old self

but not the one I want to be

more like the one I thought I buried

She appears right when I feel the most lost

drifting out of my safe zone

Here's something you know

cope in a negative way but it's all familiar

shutting down and backsliding

a lot of issues no one really sees

Invisible tears and silent screams come from closed doors

hands shaking, reaching for a way out

a hostage to my fear

Beg and plead all you want

but getting your hopes up is dangerous

Is it so wrong that I miss you

and the way you used to be

before all the shit we went through as kids

Looking back, I don't see what I wish I did

people tell me I'm strong and

I'm their role model

but I'm still sitting scared in my room

of the kids on the playground

of the mom I never knew

of the rejection that will come eventually

Comforted by the solitude

it's better to be alone under the blankets

then alone at a lunchtable.

Are people like snowflakes

or are they more like raindrops?

Individual pieces of art

or identical replicas of nothingness

The beauty is in the eye of the beholder

but no one sees me anyway

so what does it matter

if I'm a snowflake or a raindrop

I'm invisible nonetheless

At their core, they're made of the same thing

but look at the differences

how can they be the same?

Have you noticed that

you never see both together

Snow and rain, never together

opposites, yet they're twins

How horrid is it

to have a part of you

that you'll never truly know?

Uniqueness is not always a good thing

some people would kill

to be a raindrop

rather than a snowflake

I know I would.

i want you back. i want you to come to me. i'm missing every part of you. it's a distinct grief, not knowing when i'll see your dimples appear again. it's a horrid feeling, not knowing how to fix what is broken. i'm just here, wishing i could help you through your struggle. i'm just here, wishing you were in my life, not just in my head.

i met this guy at a cafe today. he reminds me of you. his dimples are really similar to yours and when he smiles, his entire face lights up. he says his name is christopher. i don't know why, but i want to get to know him better. since you're not real, i shouldn't feel guilty for feeling this way. right?

"Babyyyy~" you whine from the floor, looking up at me. "Don't ignore me~" I just bit my lip to hide my smile and keep my face turned away from you. You scrunch your face and get up on your knees to get eye level with me. Grabbing my chin, we make eye contact and you give me a smile, kissing my nose.

"Dork," I whisper. You stick out your tongue before bringing your laptop to you. 

"I'm your dork," you say proudly, before pressing play on the track. A piano instrumental fills the room. Your soothing vocals follow.

"I wanna link my heart with yours, so I'll never be lonely. The demons will go if I'm with you."

"Don't leave me here, stay with me awhile."

"So let me link my heart with yours, so we'll never be lonely."

I look over at you. You're grinning proudly, bashfully rubbing the back of your neck. "Did you like it?" You ask nervously. "I stayed up really late to finish it."

I laugh. Of course you did. What else could I expect? I lean down and smile before kissing you.

"Hey, dork." "Hmm?" 

"I love you."

i spend my waking hours like i'm sleeping, and i treasure my sleep like my life. but that's nothing new. i forget that no one else knows you. i talked about you with some friends yesterday. one pulled me aside and asked if i was in therapy. i think it's funny that they think i need protecting from you. as if you were the problem. you're the only normal thing in my life right now. who needs therapy when i have you?

You haven't been home in a few days. You've been off lately, not sleeping enough and hardly taking enough breaks to eat. I want to ask you what's wrong and why you've been pushing yourself so hard, but I know how hard you work. Loving someone isn't easy, and you overwork yourself, which makes it even harder, but I don't want to stop you from doing what you love to do.

I decide to visit your studio. The worst that can happen is you not telling me what's going on. Before I left, I saw a black hoodie on the dresser next to your side of the bed. Picking it up, I recognize it as the one I bought you before. Why was it here, and not in our closet? I bring it with me, in case you had meant to have it with you and forgot.

I get to your studio and am immediately faced with a locked door and no key. Sighing, I knock gently on the door, hoping you'll hear me. After a moment, I hear a click and the door swings open, revealing you. You look worse than you have in a long time; your dirty hair is partially covered by a black beanie and you've got horrible bags under your eyes. It's obvious you haven't slept, washed your face, or showered in ages. Who knew when you had last eaten either?

I immediately wrap my arms around you, breathing you in. I feel you hesitate before tugging me closer. You gently place your chin on my head, almost as if you're afraid you'll break me. Closing the door behind us, you bring me to the couch and lay down next to me, your head in my lap.

I thread my fingers through your hair and gently scratch your scalp, smiling softly as you close your eyes and sigh contently. 

"Babygirl," you say, opening your eyes to look at me. "Can I ask you something?" I nod, waiting for you to continue. "Do you ever feel like sometimes, everything around you doesn't make sense? Like, there's all these expectations you feel like you'll never reach?" I nod again, holding my breath. You look up at me, raising a hand to softly brush my face. "You're my safe space in the midst of all that."

I smile at you, tears glistening in both of our eyes. 

"You're my safety."

it hurts. every part of my body aches. i tried so hard this morning to get up out of bed, but it was so difficult without you there. i wanted you to hold me like you do when you're cold in the mornings. i wanted your gentle pecks and the way you say "good morning" in your tired morning voice. i wanted you humming a song in the bathroom while we got ready for work. i crave you and your time.

I walk through the door to see you sitting at the table, your head in your hands. From where I'm standing, I can't tell if you're crying or just tired. Walking closer, I can tell you're upset from the way your back curves out and your shoulders are drawn in. I rub the heels of my palms gently across your shoulder blades. You sigh heavily and raise your head to look back at me. Your eyes don't have their usual shine and the corners of your mouth are turned down, the dimples I love nowhere in sight. 

I rub your forehead, concerned when you don't say anything at all. You just close your eyes and lean into my touch, sighing again, just more softly. I sit down next to you and wrap my arms around your waist, side hugging you. I sense, more than see, you relax and lean against me. Before much longer, I can feel you start shaking and your breath getting irregular. I look up at you to see tears silently streaming down your face. You're pinching your lips together, trying not to make noise. When you see me looking at you, you bury your face in your hands once more. 

I try my best to let you know that I'm here, that you don't have to hide anything from me. I gently rub your back, I scratch the back of your scalp with my nails, I sit next to you, breathing softly so you know you can lean on me if you feel the need to. 

You slowly stop sobbing, becoming calmer and not shaking as much.

"Hey," I say quietly. I begin to think I didn't even say it out loud, with the lack of response I get. After a few moments, though, you turn and immediately wrap your arms around me, pulling me as close as you can get. Burying your face in my neck and shuddering, you hold me as we sit in silence. Your face is wet from crying and my shirt is starting to get uncomfortable, but I would go through anything for you.

"I don't know if I can keep pretending I'm okay," he whispers against my skin. "I don't know if I can keep lying."

i cried today. everything is getting to be too much without you here. it just gets so loud, you know? all of the different expectations, all of the different faces i put on. i don't even know who i am anymore. i can't even remember the last time i did something i wanted to do. i just wait for the nights i can spend with you. with you, i don't feel forced to be someone i'm not. in the hurricane of voices and expectations, you're my safe space.

I know exactly when you walk through our apartment's door because I can hear the excited sound that comes from you when you see the package on the table. I can hear your quick footsteps from the door to the table, where you pick it up. I laugh to myself when I imagine the look of awe and excitement on your face when you see what's inside. 

Not much longer, I feel your arms snake around my waist once more. You love doing back hugs and placing your chin on the top of my head, bringing me close to you and inhaling my scent. We stood like that for a while, me trying to move as little as possible while I work on moving the dishes to the cabinet. He hums, brushing my hair across one shoulder and leaning on the other.

"Babyyyy~" he says, taking one of his hands and bringing it to mine, intertwining them. "Did you get the new hoodie I wanted? In black?" I smiled and nodded, bringing his hand to me in order to kiss the back of it. 

"Maybe. Did you like it?" I ask, trying to place a glass on a shelf but not being able to reach it. Chan takes it from me and places it there before turning me around and putting his free hand on the counter behind me. You smile at me softly and tilt your head, love radiating from you. I swear I can see galaxies in your eyes.

"Do I like it?" You kiss my nose and smile at me, biting your lip. "I love it, babygirl. Thank you," you pull me in closer, closing your eyes and breathing deep. "You know," you say, opening your eyes. "You can steal it anytime." You wink at me and my heart dips. Your dimples are showing and I can't stop myself from throwing my head back and laughing.