The Greatest Human Being Ever Alive Or Dead
Without question the greatest human being ever alive or dead is me, as proven by the many times I achieved the highest score in games of golf or hearts. I can sing the Bugs Bunny square dance song form memory, and I can likewise recite the entire Rick Moranis "Gozer the Traveler" speech from Ghostbusters (1984). I am fluent in speech and, like, writing in English, German, Massachusetts, and bullshit; I can converse in Spanish if no one is listening, and I can listen very well to hundreds of other languages.
I once scored a goal to win an ice hockey game with 1 second left on the clock. I've run Ultra Marathons and finished in the top 100% in my age group and gender. I hit .400 one year as the #9 hitter, which is saying a lot maybe. My clothes are stylish and my socks are never too loose.
One time in college (before I got kicked out) the teacher guy was trying to think of which movie Sally Field won the Oscar for and I suggested "Smokey and the Bandit" and everyone laughed. Then when I was in the Army (before I got kicked out) I climbed onto the roof of my barracks in Germany naked as the day I was born. Seemed like a good idea at the time. When I went to ROTC camp after my 2th year of college I was one of only 3 persons in the whole company to win a ROTC college scholarship. Then I got kicked out of ROTC.
I can juggle and make a bird noise with my mouth that very few other humans can also make. I've met one. In college. Before I got kicked out.
Fun fact: I was friends with Mikey from the Life cereal commercials before he decided not to continue his college career, or at least continue at my college. Coincidence?
Also, I just happened to be friends with the kid who caught Mean Joe Greene's Pittsburgh Steelers sports shirt in the iconic Coke commercial from 19-. He was a good guy and also played Rugby which I desperately wanted to play if only for the chance at Rugby parties to sing Rugby songs about dead babies and offensive behavior towards women because that was the coolest.
Since then I have grown, way taller than anyone else since I am the greatest human being ever alive or dead, and am now utterly convinced that such behavior is deplorable until other political correctness comes back.
I once sung good. It's true you wouldn't believe it but I swear people clapped loudly for me. That was the night I tried acid. Won't do that again but I don't regret the experience either.
Also something most people cannot make the same claim to? of?: I used to "double" and even [looks right and left to make sure no one is listening] "triple" a few tires before loading them onto a container headed for Jordan or Nigeria. I forget which. Smaller tires into bigger tires, you know the drill. Who among you has done that?
I once sold over 700 crates of beverages in one day driving a beverage truck in Germany. I understand this fact only carries weight if one was seen how many cases one usually sells (200-300) there, or one has not feeled how heavy these crates are (wicked heavy). But still.
So then it is settled. I am the greatest ever.