A girl,

childish,

Immature,

Naive.

Oh boy, was she naive.

The reality of the relentless world still unknown to her.

Mind filled with towering expectations and the fabrication of falsehoods through media that life should be a certain way.

A preconception that love was the prescription for happiness.

Now that she has it,

Now that I have it,

all it has brought me is pain.

I dreamt of this for so long

Years spent picturing,

practicing,

preparing for some preconceived notion that passionate romance was the solution to all my problems.

The love itself is not the issue.

It is the fact that I am not allowed to feel this way.

Letting go of what the youthful child in me has dreamt of relentlessly,

It hurts.

When you spend so many years preoccupied with the desire to love and be loved,

When you finally receive that dream,

And it’s not quite the way you pictured it:

A disappointment settles deep.

I question,

I think,

I get lost in my thoughts,

Breathing in every possibility,

Drowning in ambiguity.

I

Am

Lost.

Losing myself

Dissonance raging inside my mind.

A battle between what I know is right and what I feel is right

The heart versus the mind

Losing you is what I fear most,

But the only way to solve this constant conflict that crowds my conscience is create some distance.

And I believe

I firmly believe

That letting you go is the hardest thing I will have to do.

I like to think that I let you go,

but it's those quiet, lonely nights when memories of you slowly crawl back into my mind.

My heart feels heavy,

and I suddenly wish to be anything but alone.

If I could wish for anything

It would be to be by your side.

I still hold on,

hoping that I cross your mind sometime or another,

but I doubt that ever occurs.

I thought I was over you,

but I don't think I can ever fully let you go.

Emotions and secrets often get trapped inside as I close and lock my door,

afraid they'll spill out into the world that shouldn't know.

I am often alone sharing my feeling to nothing but the four walls that surround me.

Hoping I'll feel solace,

but being suffocated by endless thoughts.

The walls hear my cries as I fill with doubt and anguish. 

They can only absorb so much before they throw back my secrets in mockery.

Curled up, I am trapped with nowhere to go. 

I can no longer stay pent up in my room.

I am my own source of self destruction.