"Not everything is your fault." and "The only person who will stick with you forever is yourself."
A year ago my reasoning would of been as followed; love. That one person who had captured my heart,and deemed me to be someone of their tastes. Someone they had chosen to stick by with day by day. That one person was who I had vowed to be better for. Strive day after day to be there for, no matter what. But things change, people change. wrongfully or not, they do. And all we can do is accept it. It churned inside me that the one reason I had wilfully woken up morning after morning was no longer there. I had no reason to smile and feel exhilaration. Months after months it had drawn to me what my real reason for wakening up was to be my future. I had been drawn too tightly onto how others feel and what they want from me. How im supposed to react to everything and what my emotions should and should not be. I had freedom when I was in the midlife in which I had my previous lover, I felt alive. Not alone. It was all stripped from me. I lost all reasoning to wake up. However it all changes, in which my reasoning for waking up currently in the moment is to live my life how I souly want to, regain the feeling of being alive. Be myself again but in a better fashion. I want to be myself, be happy within myself not anyone else. Im waiting for the moment I can walk out of school with a degree, money aside for me to start checking into my life as an individual with no one to tell me what I can and can not do. Promote myself as an individual who needs no one but themselves to thrive and suceed.
could you tell
every blood seeping day is a wirlwind of the same ongoing events week after week. I guess you could say the die down from tragic demise and reluctant theatricals has made everything in the aftermath like cricket at the end of an alley.
Could you tell?
alarm after alarm after alarm, reliving the same day like im on happy death day. Seeing the same people, retriving same activies day in and day out. But a smile is whiped on my face. Walking around with a pound of conserved misery and staggering concepts seeping out at every creak to the seal. But remains a smile thoughout day in and out.
But can you tell?
Can you tell is the same smile that had smiled through countless events churning reality in which had been shape shifting from terror to terror. the warping of emotions from utter hatred to mushy counterfitted feelings, back to regret and grief; then every feeling placed into a wash and randomzied like drawing popsicle sticks in kindergrden.
how can you tell?
Every tourmenting occurance is just a repeat on a past event, every mind ingulfing episode in which my head is tormented by the words around me scrapted into hateful idioms. How can one see that on ones face, who would want to?
but can you ever tell?
The sun's glint was flowing between my blinds, filling my room like an indoor swimming pool. My room has slowly been corrupted by layers of papers on my desk, cut out shrivels and papers laying off the edge soon to fall. That's what happens when a person like me has an idea at midnight making a deranged sleep mess I will certainly not be remembering doing. The alarm I had set on my phone forced me to fully power my mind to wake up even though I didn't want to. A sudden glow had arose from the once bright as fuc* but not this bright had originally shown. Dust from god knows what starts to blur around the light beams hitting certain objects or structures in my room. I then see a woman arise from the spot that I thought was vacant aside to me, thank god it isn't anymore, her face is so perfect. The jawline was razor sharp, she had these heart shaped lips with the sheer tint that makes anyone's eyes drift away into them. Her collar bones were nearly hard to miss, being they are broad. Her short brown hair fluttered around her face, so I never fully can tell her exact description. But one main pointal feature I could pin onto her was her eyes. Her eyes were this dark but not pitch dark brown eyes, and they had this glow. I had never seen anything like it, after looking for a bit I started to gaze out into her eyes, I felt at peace. That was something I realized in the moment I hadn't felt in ages. Something about this woman seems too perfect. I feel at home, like this would be a scene with butterflies floating in and out of the window with birds chirping and some random chimes someone left outside and forgot it annoys half the neighborhood. I tried not to fall for her touch but it was so blatantly repulsive that I hadn't felt in years, I was drawn to her. I couldn't even see her full face and I was drawn to her. Who is she?
What was it about this woman that drew me from a single glance after waking up? The first person I see in the morning never gets a gloating look of admiration, they would probably get some sas and a layer of cuz words as I foret how to walk or something stupid. A layer of memories I can't put into an image or phrase recollected into my head, it felt like I had known her for a lot longer than 2 minutes. But how could I have known someone this close to see them the way I do. She has an oversized band T shirt, but It felt like I had seen her on multiple occasions. Will I see her again? I hope I do.
There was a time where when things got worse, the towers collapsed. 911 reaplenished, anything and anything could of happened to society and I was set. The love I had around me, pairs upon pairs of open hands for mine umongst anyone we surrounded with needed. But as months set in and events we all wished to forget got undug from the ground. Secrets were let out, bodys mocing states away, much disctruction.the world was messy, but we were messier. It was more of a callateral of personal to societal issues we battled with like an xbox game. Things got unravled like twine to its cardboard roll, relationships started to shread like a paper in the shredder, the feeling of being seen and happy flows down the drain as ever part of you that made you happy didnt exist anymore. The people that were once around me, withered away ash or some ghost. The state I had countless relations with became from my destination to 2000 miles away. Starting over was the worst, finding new comfort within myself or what I could use, new relations, building one with my sister. It became a whole new life I had to adapt and buld. When personal issues hit the cercit, it became what I couldnt handle. My one hunch I never fully developed to deal , I just ignored. Ignored. Ignored. I cant ignore it now, I cant dismiss my mothers death, I cant dismiss the disapearance of my father and his sketchy parts having to do with her deat*. The mess my family is in is so bad, and Im stuck in it. The relations I once had arround me that had vanished, I wanted more than ever now. One person I had loved to talk to, dismissed me like I was apart of her life to forget. The one time I needed at least one person to listen. Relationships had closed out of my mind months ago, once I lost feelings, my want for any other relationship just left. And im fine with that.Right now I think Id rather have little 'crushes' I guess you could say but be by myself. I cant hurt myself anymore right now, and pain from someone else is the last thing I need right now. But the lonliness has slowly been filling up with people. People who are present and give semi fuc*s for all I know but I am fine with that now. Having the oppurtunity to laugh and let loose and think about more than just my family and everything bottled up. I get a break, thats all I really urn for, a breath. Something to get me out of the fogging blast my world has torn into.
heroism towards the future
driving down the coast of Rancho Sante , my body placed in a matte black Dodge Challanger Srt Hellcat. The windows were rolled all the way down, as my ring filled hand glides through the wind my majestic car is warring through. Hearing the engine roar for every speed boost I conjur makes a light smirk pop against the corner of my mouth. This is what I want to feel every second. The freedom, having the most sexiest car ever, the base dropping and lighly shaking the car as '151' by JID is soaring through each ear. I find a empty parking lot perfect for donuts and drifing. Hearing each crack and pur feuls my body with energy focued on going faster and better. Scratches and black marks painted the entire parking lot. The Owner of the only buisness along it comes out waving a cloth with a tinted angry look. I waft my hand up mouthing 'im sorry' as I change gears to reverse so I can just get out. He notices the Charm on the back of my car. My family had gone to Cochella and Paris Hilton had worked on some car acessories and they had made this 3D Emblem of a dragon to attach to your car. He whipped his phone out and went to take a photo of it with his zoom in camera. I laughed and waited for him to start recording so I roared the engine and he smiled, seconds later I made it earsplitting as I dfifted the corner and headed to the lake near by to pop what ever expensive drink they obtained for the opening of my Ferenzics Phsycology Buisness. It had started as me blogging my interactions with criminals as I worked as a Phsycologist in Jails, then it came more into me becoming a main referal for the Job. I had gained confindence in my ability at the skill of writing and acting upon the mind. I used a good portion of what major Buisness like Yahoo or Google ect. use to start up their buinsess, making it the most profound structure for this feild in all of Southern California. The red string covering the perimter of the 1263 foot tall dream. It had all you could imagine, I futurama'd that shit. All I could of every dreamed in a build was over my head, literally. I noticed from afar as I walked closer to the grand entrance, along one of the lines of accorised tables were some old friends of mine. I had taken my life from something so dusty and derived, into a big and prodound achievement. Thats all I ever hoped to achieve after the years of waiting to finally be free and alone.
not what it seems...
nothing is what it seems, were all wrapped on what others see in our lives,our friends, family, every post and vocal string coming from your body or phone. Many hide the pain of trauma, insecurities, or any negitive onepts for the sake of looking normal. makes us wonder whats real.
" I remember meeting her for the first time, the first eye contact we shared was a spark of feelings both known to unravel. Now, every glance shoots pain into my chest on what we unravled, but the tear to it all changed everything."
My life was a ongoing movie, the everlasting nights of beutiful drives down wavy paths filled with palmtrees branching out every side street and avenue. The sunrise was a deep orange,painting a beutful everlasting piece ubove.The mist from the beaches surrounding all the coast spreading a thin layer of mist; with alot of fog swalowing the town.I had finally put my mind out and caught a life I had created. Everything around me I had built. The friends I had were so tied down to eachother, we were a pact going through each wave of what the world had to give us. Cop-chases, a lovely bon fire watching the sunset with a boombox an hour away, whitnessing our friend almost getting arrested and charged,the fast drives while blasting music down a lit up street with fat smoke rolling out the window, then to overdos**or relapses, abuse, everything and all. We became the only people not against eachother, every soul had felt like they were turned against us, leaving us in purge like playing ground.Protecting one another became a key part of our relationships, the groupcjats we had incase of emergencys,Life 360 to make sure no one gets jumped or attacked and we all feel safe.The bliss of after a hectic and dismaying day, the ending with all ones I built a life around had become my home. Nothing felt like it, nothing ever could. My life was layed out like the beutiful sunsets painted for us everymorning. The dark spots of our lives were the parts we could easily hide from the public. Sometimes it seeped out & things got to the point it was noticible were crashing down, but no matter what deep down we all knew,no matter what happens next we will always be there foreachther no matter where we land.No matter how far apart we were, tickets were a thing, calls were a thing, we could make it around every obsticle we got.
Months later,obsticles came that had no easy 'fix'. I had gotten sent states away. the loss of contact became a bit dent in our relationships. everyone started falling apart and distancing, all negivitves we had steering around our lives popping in went from every other week, to weekly, to daily. It became such a drain and stressful pit that we distance. But we all know, theres a way out of it. Until we see eachother again. I will never find a love for anyone like them. Nothing can be the same as my rare raw love for them.
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paradise with it,
nevertheless privation without