if we move to vermont

i wonder if some other girl might choose my bedroom because it's

blue

blue the color of the ocean.

might as well dye the carpet if it means the house won't sell, and you know

my blue hair didn't fix me.

girls here ignored it anyway--they don't wear their collars up.

they don't dress in darks but they gob on mascara and pull their buns so tight

you don't have to wonder where open mindedness went.

it's in there cinching somewhere.

their hair is blond and brown and red and light, even though it's not sometimes

and belonging is a construct but they've got it constructed as an add on to their homes.

but if i move to vermont, i'll have to box up the black shirts and the pink in the same box

i'll have to use the dye or leave it for some other girl who wants to drown in

blue

blue the color of the ocean

blue the color we paint the chesapeake bay over

brown the color we see the chesapeake bay as

they'll never see me get into college,

raise my longest finger at graduation and i'll splatter my cap and gown with

blue

i'll never ever be changed

i'll never ever be kissed

i'll never ever belong in one place

and if i move to vermont with my faded blue hair i wonder if it'll be easy to forget

the way me and him talked about picking flowers on the water

the way he said my flower was a daisy

if i move to vermont i'll bring him a bouquet on the way out of state,

dye them

blue

(blue the color of the ocean)

dye the water

blue

(blue the color of the ocean)

and if i move to vermont maybe it'll be a second chance to be all alone again.

Everything's fine.

I have four absences in Week 2.

I have school on my birthday, instead of a three day weekend.

I have to check my oil still, and have procrastinated.

I still have to apply for financial aid and keep forgetting.

I feel the dreadful despair of winter upon me.

All of that is fine.

But, if the goddamn Wifi cuts out one more time, I swear to all gods that ever existed and that ever will exist, I will lose my fucking shit.

you say

"i feel you".

but you feel you.

and i feel me.

and it feels

narrow

and i feel

stuck.

a warm pastels

kind of morning,

rosy cheeks

and lukewarm tea.

we are living in a castle built of paper

and it's hanging on its strings

oh it's waving in the wind.

what is disgusting about humans

is

that we are so scared of our

unimportance..

failing to imagine how small we are...

that

we create problems,

that

we claim to be extraordinarily intelligent,

and in control of everything,

that we call ourselves

the crown of creation

or even believe

that we are all

there is.

A relationship,

not with someone else,

with me. Describe it.

Alright. Respect.

Yes?

Mutuality. Say.

Say what?

Have a say.

I see.

Spontaneity.

And?

That will do for now.

Be adaptable.

And will you be practicing what you preach?

I smile with inner bliss, on seeing your face

I give thanks that we are here at last

morning coffee in the glow of a golden sunrise

content in this moment, I bask

We weathered the storm through many dark nights

growing closer despite all the pain

now my heart takes an europhic leap of joy

when breakfast made, you call my name.