I learned the horrors of prescience at the very moment I discovered I was gifted with it.

She was a childhood friend, a year younger. There happened to be a pause in our rambunctious play, a pause just long enough, and our play just close enough, that we accidentally found ourselves looking into one another’s eyes. Being children, the staring itself became the game; exploring each other’s souls inside them, daring ourselves to venture deeper while at the same time being revealed. We passed that point where one laughs to hide their discomfort, or looks away, and we continued even longer, her winded breath so close that I could feel it on my chin, and on my moistened lips. It was then that I saw who she really and truly was, and she me. And it was then that I knew.

“You are going to die.” I whispered.

“I know.”

“What will you do?”

She answered the only way a child could answer when the question is so fearsome as death. “Hide.”

When I left her that day I never saw my childhood friend again.

“Robert?” My mother called from the foyer. “Alicia’s parents can’t find her. Do you know where she is?”

“No Momma,” I lied.

But it did find her, even where we had so carefully hidden her; inside that big old trunk down in her basement, covered between the musty old clothes and things, the heavy cedar top closed and latched.

There’d been death in my friend’s eyes that day. There is no hiding from that.

404 an error found

like all the roads before

I'm hitting the ground

when tired:

how do you run?

patch up the hurt

like all the times before

give up on being first

when lost:

how do you return?

en route 303

202

101

to zero

404 can not be found

i torched the highway

it's the ground

whereupon I now can stand

en route 303

a new road, another try

on and on it goes

times fly

i can't find the road for me

maybe some dreams aren't meant to be

Existence must mean more than suffering.

My phone died. Now I'm alive.

Stop it! No answers, just listen.

The more I journal and blog on this website, at first it was an easy way to get every thought and the heaviness in my heart out onto paper...

Now, my gratitude and perspective has changed a bit. To be able to share what others are going through too, it changes things. Whether it is life changes, grief, loss, heartbreak, mental health struggles or whatever it may be.. it opens a whole new world to know for 1) I am not alone and 2) anyone can relate in some way, shape or form.

Instead of holding that pain inside and weighing yourself down from what you can’t carry.... give your pain a purpose.

“Whatever pain you can’t get rid of, make it your creative offering”

I am learning-

You are more than your grief that you hold. You are more than your brokenness and your past. You are more than your pain.

The messy parts of you, the deepest secrets you hide and the sadness you hold....make it into your own creative offering.

Create a purpose for your Pain.

Life's looking up for little ol' me

Been a while since I felt this happy

My joy is back

Got God to thank for that

I'm more confident than I've ever been

I can feel my joy seeping through my pen

No shame, no fear, no guilt weighing down on my shoulders

God loosed me from the boulders

That hung from my neck and pulled me down

Just when I thought I was going to drown

I shot up like a ball

And God caught me in my fall

I feel like everything is going my way

I find myself wishing my future was today

I don't dread it like I did in the past

With God's help, I know I'll last

Through the tough times, through the low times

Easy and high times, I'll be able to honestly say that I'm fine

I just feel so happy and optimistic

About the future, about the present

I feel comfortable in my skin

I don't feel like a monster trying to blend in

I grappled with addiction, but I gave it to God

Fearing being left, but knowing it was my next step, I came clean to my friends

It was hard, it hurt, but I knew it was what needed to happen in order to stop

I wish I could have met some of them in person, because I know there would have been tears shed

This last year has been transformative

Fighting for freedom, getting over someone, repairing a relationship

Learning that I don't need to keep everything bottled up inside

That I have friends and a Comforter in whom I can confide

Loving parents who are more supportive than I could have ever imagined

Looking back, I never thought that this could happen

I don't feel like I'm undeserving of being happy

I feel free to be me

I feel free

I know this verse has been quoted in music too much

But I got that joy down in my heart

Yeah, me and God won't ever part

He plotted the course on my chart

Time to fly into His embrace

No more shame when I look into His face

No more guilt when I go to pray

Can't express it all so I'll just say

I got that joy down in my heart

Life still isn't perfect, and I still blame myself

But you just gotta push that pessimistic voice into the depths of Hell

You don't have to feel guilty because you have joy

The voices telling you that need to be destroyed

Sure, it's easier said than done

But with God on your side the victory is sure as won

Life will never be perfect, and there's still things I'm working on

But count your victories and deal with the rest as they come

Fixing up your life takes a lot of effort

And for the last year, I've been putting in the work

I'm on the other side now

I feel invincible, like nothing could tear me down

I was boiling over with joy the other day

It's nice to be overflowing with happiness because you woke up that way

There's no inner turmoil

I just have peace that seems incapable of being spoiled

I'm closer to God than I've ever been, and there's still room to get closer

He's laid down His path for me, so I'm just going to keep moving forward

I no longer feel undeserving of being happy

I feel free to be me

I feel free

I know this verse has been quoted in music too much

But I got that joy down in my heart

Yeah, me and God won't ever part

He plotted the course on my chart

Time to fly into His embrace

No more shame when I look into His face

No more guilt when I go to pray

Can't express it all so I'll just say

I got that joy down in my heart

I'm sick of writing all these sad songs

Though it's nice to have a place to go to when you feel you've done something wrong

Or you need a place to vent when eruptions

Break out from your bottled up emotions

It's nice to be able to place

My thoughts in this safe space

But I used it as an outlet

Instead of talking about it

Opening up was freeing

I wonder what was keeping me from seeing

The path that led to my healing

Though I wish I could go back and keep some things

From happening

These storms and trials were the only way

To shape me into the man I am today

I spy with my watchful eye,

the tulips and jonquils and wild violet’s

saying

”Spring is Sprung!”

The Robin red breast searches for a meal, and the swallows have come to bless my home.

All while the cheery Cardinal tells

us every day to be “Cheerful Cheerful Cheerful!”

Isn't that a lovely way to wake up to and greet the day?

Caution!

Cage contains a Bad Proser!

This creature joined the site to write

(so he may never get around to reading yours).

The beast only “likes” what he likes,

only comments when there is really something there

(but if something clicks he may stalk your entire back catalog,

in search of more treasures),

reposts once in a blue freakin’ moon,

never creates a challenge (doesn’t know why not),

loathes anguish and self-pity posts, yet…

despite all this he is mostly harmless, if a little loud,

so just ignore.

(If you are so kind hearted that you still feel compelled to feed him,

he enjoys peach cobbler, black coffee, and a happy puppy tale.)

i was itching to crawl out of my skin

the pulsing sting radiated across my back

there was no escape from the searing pain, no relief

feeling trapped in my own body, i simply had to push through the torment

muffling my cries, i took deeper and deeper breaths

until i could pretend it didn't hurt anymore

until i could act like everything was normal

but that lump in my throat was thick and hard

no swallowing allowed, when there are hooks in your back

when you've been set on fire and left to burn

so when i finally retreated from the gaze of unwelcome eyes

i let myself cry

amongst the pain and the terror and the hopelessness,

this was my greatest relief

if a man

cat-calls you

and only whispers it

so you can't hear it

did he make a sound?

it only happens on the street

car engines revving loud

women not turning around

I wonder

how these men see themselves

if they know

their words fall flat on the ground

or if there's some special club

where they discuss

how to make each whistle

more meaningful and profound