Picture this. You are seventeen sneaking out at 2:30 am to go hang with the boy that has been begging you to hangout. Instead of getting in his car and expecting to drive to an empty parking lot (since that is what this generation has come to) , he brings you to a secret spot on the beach with all the stars in the sky out in the darkness of the night. Romantic right? I thought so too. I do not fall in love easily per say however when I was getting dropped off at the top of my street at 5:30 am, adrenaline rushing, hoping my father didn't notice I was gone, I could not help but to reminisce on the hours that I spent talking about absolutely everything and slowly began to realize what falling in love felt like for the first time. And I mean real true young love. From that day on there was not a day I did not spend with him. Coming from a broken family and meeting someone who makes you feel complete is something you do not understand until you meet that person. Fast forward about a year and realize you have been living with him for months now, share your first puppy together and everything seems so perfect. Except that is exactly the opposite. This relationship that I loved with everything in me was literally too good to be true because it was a year into it and I realized I was in love with a narcissistic boy who didn't know how to truly treat someone for the life of him. Then, I am a lost eighteen year old girl who was stuck in a toxic cycle with someone I referred to as the love of my life. Toxic relationships start off perfect, and romantic and you give yourself to them completely just for your partner to eventually completely destroy you as a person. But you love them right? So you continue to stay and let them treat you however they want. Whether it is the daily accusations of cheating, screaming in your face calling you every name in the book, scaring you on purpose or physically threatening you. You stay. Because every ounce of love made up for each scar he mentally left on me. The saying, "you just do not get it until it is you," is something I will forever preach. Leaving is never as easy as it seems when every part of you is fighting for them to change and to be the person they were in the beginning. I never would have imagined in a million years that my first love would have treated me so poorly. The toxicity never just ends when you're in a relationship with someone who only cares for themselves and their-self only. One day you wake up and realize it has been two years since you could keep a smile on your face or god forbid even eat a full meal. Movies and TV show this idea of "toxicity being romantic" because deep down we all just want someone to choose us and continue to only choose us regardless of the shit they put us through. No relationship is perfect but there is a line drawn between normal arguing and mental abuse. Our brains are powered to think that the way someone treats us is entirely backed up by what we think we deserve. Looking back, I do not know why I stayed for so long when it was slowly killing me trying to make someone else happy. I did not deserve any of that. Nobody does. The thing is, toxicity is just as addicting as the next drug. One hit and you want more. You want to see how far someone is willing to go for love. You get high off the idea that someone is obsessed with you and every little thing you do. You become a completely different person and you sit and cannot even remember the girl you once were before all the abuse. The last two and a half years of my life have become a huge blur and when I finally realized hey I deserve more from someone than he is willing to ever give, I walked away. It has been in no means "easy." I often mind myself thinking of the what ifs and what I could have done for him to love me differently. I thought that my life was going to end because for months I could not even get myself to answer a text or leave my bed. The truth is loving someone even though they are toxic is not in the hands of the abuser. You are human and feel feelings and when you feel them hard, love makes you act in strange ways. So, when we see a couple in a movie and we see the effort of the abuser doing anything to keep the victim to themselves we find it cute and just say "oh its normal, love is not easy, they will work it out," In reality, toxic relationships are exhausting, mentally draining and the easiest way to kill yourself without actually dying.

The typical saying, "everything happens for a reason" seems to be a trend when it comes to my life. As a twenty year old girl living in this crazy world it is hard to realize the worth of being human and life events. It is one thing after another after another. Although I am not entirely sure I believe everything happens exactly for a reason, there is faith in knowing that a negative situation could lead us to a better path more sustainable for ourselves. I feel as though we give and we give to people who likely are not worthy of all the giving. If you feel less deserving of receiving what you put out into the world just know that eventually it will be worth it and come to you. You are human and undoubtedly deserve all of the happiness regardless of any mistake or life change. When you give more than you receive take a step back and think, "Why am i putting an effort into something that cannot satisfy me." Life is so short, wasting time on someone or something that ultimately does not build you up is a silent killer. Focus on yourself, what you want and need and do not let anyone ruin that for you. You are worthy of everything good in this world. Everything works out in the end.