i fell to the ground

the dogs crawled on my body

chaos

sobbing

crawled to the corner

aching now, forever

home again

airport crowds 

daddy, where are you?

my ride's here

home again

jiggity jig 

to market, to market?

no, those aren't the right words-- probably not

home again

dallas, texas

cows 

and horse shit (literally)

and fighting

and home 

and fighting

and fighting

and anger

and fighting

it's okay

i'm home again

hit me again with those words

maybe it won't hurt this time

had you heard i was home again?

memories of smells

memories of laughter

memories of fighting

memories of yelling

i'm home again

you're not here this time

jake michael

are you home again?

i feel your spine under my fingertips

i feel you punching me when we were eight

it's nice to be home again

if you loved me so

much, why didn't you tell me

you wanted me back

you never loved me

if all you wanted was the

body outside me

i am the soul in

this shell of flesh and bones and

you just want my skin

well how would you feel

if i told you i wanted 

no part of your lies

this love i have for 

you won't go away even

if i told it to

it's almost a weird

ache; i have never felt a

fondness so hurtful

watching you work is

the easiest job i have

ever had to do

but it's also the hardest

sometimes i have to pull my

hand back from reaching

i have this bizarre

need to touch my hand to your

face or your shoulders

one time you hugged me

and i wish i could go back

and relive that night

no hug ever seemed

as important as the one

i can't stop dreaming

sight seeing with a far sighted prescription is pretty easy, but don't come near me. it seems like my heart is a little too empty. we all try to reach for the stars but they're as far away as our hearts in this world where murders and sadness are the only highlights at night as the newsreels tear us apart. we read words from our peers about black lives and the particles of matter, about space gunk and space ships and angry martyrs. we're all parts of the same species but we're all different colors. i guess we're all members of different speakeasies. well how about we all get drunk together? we can chew on our cigars and destroy our bodies as well as we're tearing our nations apart. we are the same but we are so far apart. it's easy to act like we're united but you are as far away as the mind of the woman who lost her son to the hand of an angry cop. we all matter but we all act like we're the dearly departed. what i mean is that none of us care but we love writing and tweeting and posting our thoughts, and... you know we're all lazy. we can join in the march but what good are we doing if we're not changing our own hearts? don't act like you suffer with those who are suffering if your skin is as pale as the white page upon which i am writing. stand up in solidarity but do not speak from experience because my experiences are simple in comparison to lifelong suffering. black lives matter and that doesn't mean mine is worthless. we are all worthwhile because we all have souls within our depths that run through each of our body parts. please open your arms and soften your heart. help those around you, whether you're near them or further than the farthest star.

kill me now

or kill me later 

doesn't matter

i don't hate her

love me now

or love me never

i wish we might

end up together

How dare you

You killed my brother

Not with a gun

And not with a knife

But because of your thoughtlessness

And now you post happy pictures with your girlfriend

Who posts old pictures of my brother

She acts as if she is in pain

But people in pain are not happy

And you both are ecstatic

She posts tweets 

About getting a "last drink"

With my angel

But the last drink you fed him

Brought him to his death

You killed my brother

But I can never tell you this

Because I would never wish this feeling

On my worst enemy

You disgust me.

I wish I could tell you

That you ruined me.

For one year and one month, to the date

I have done noting but hurt

And try to put back together my pieces

Because when you killed my brother

You killed me

You killed us

I have three siblings

And we all are dead now

Because you put one of us in the ground

You called once

To ask my mom if she was angry

She said she was angry

At both of you

Well,

Trey Adkins,

You disgust me

You disgust me

You disgust me

I hate you

I hate you

I hate you

I wish I could tell you

in the back of my head

a black little ball

maybe not a ball, but a mass

it grows

like a tumor

it's a thought

and it's a feeling

but it's also kind of empty

it has no substance and it has no meaning

but it is endless

i wish it could be eradicated

like some disease

but instead it grows 

in my head 

finally it is so big it ends up in my belly

it's funny, this thing

it's like a big bunch of emptiness

but you can't feel "empty"

empty isn't an emotion

but this thing is empty

and i can't stop feeling it

i don't know what it is

or why it's there

but it won't leave, and it never does

it touches me from my head to my toes

this big, black mass

i think i'm empty

but, still, somehow i'm full

it's funny

the way i'm full of nothing

i glance over at the stoplight and see them laughing

a mother and her son

she is at the point of happy tears flowing

she rubs his back

he is smiling endlessly

and they have love

i see two people dancing

in the club at midnight

they found solace on the slick floor

i'm not sure that they know each other

but i'm sure they will fall in love

i see a man

perhaps around 80

opening the door for his lady

and she smiles and kisses his cheek

and they are in love

for many years, i think