it's been a sec
a lot has changed
i'm a very different person
after what they did
after what i did
i need new people in my life
i'm alone and afraid
but that's ok
i've also become strong
so i do not need anyone
but i'd like someone
she deserves the world that i so desperately want to escape
Cry for Help
This is a cry for help
Please read carefully
Because you'll never hear my cries
You must read of the tears that run down my cheeks
Just to get away from me
The force my hands use as I drive my nails into my flesh
There's never blood
But as my skin begins to burn as the scratches bulge outwards
I can finally breath
Because for those brief moments that my abdomen burns
I am no longer numb
I am still empty
But at least I can feel just enough to push a little longer
If you have read this far
Don't report me
Or call someone on me
If you truly care
Or maybe have felt or are feeling my pain
You'll talk to me
Like humans do
Because I'd really like to be a human
And not just the shell of one
The Most Fatal Disease
It affects every individual
Whether another human causes it
Or the nature of the earth itself
Love will break a person down
Love will break a person's heart
But love isn't what will destroy a person
It is the side effects
It's a shame there's no symptom or warning list on WebMD for those falling ill
Loss of Sleep
Attempts to Fill the Void
On the Bright Side
The good thing about being burned all the time is that heat doesn't bug me as much anymore
The scars left only remind me of my strength
The good thing about being cut off often from people is that the physical cuts aren't a sign of weakness anymore
They're a sign of the beautiful nothingness that rests within me and around me
The good thing about being heartbroken is that I don't expect anything from anyone anymore
Being alone and empty is better than being left broken and waiting
The good thing about being numb is that I don't feel the tears that run down my cheeks anymore
I'm so used to the soft wetness and dry eyes it's almost a part of me now
i just want to be held and loved and feel like i belong in someone's arms instead of deep in my grave... is that too much to ask?
I told you one day I’d teach you to dance
I told you one day we’d cuddle
I told you one day I’d be your DD
You said you loved talking to me
You stayed up with me
You said you accepted me for who I am and what I believe
You said I might be crushing on you
You might be right
But I could never agree to your face
One day when we dance
I hope it’s to something we can one day call “Our Song”
When we cuddle
I hope it’s to a scary movie
Under a warm blanket
Just like you hoped for
When I’m your DD
I hope you don’t hurt yourself
Because I care about you
I hope one day you will still love talking to me
Because if you do
I hope one day you make her as happy as you make me
Maybe I’ll only like you for a second
Or maybe for an eternity
But all I wish for
Is that one day
You can agree
I can't stop from thinking and over elaborating every single thing I do; you'd think it wouldn't be difficult to just shut down my thoughts, but here I am, once again, rethinking the darkest thoughts to ever consume a human without any escape from it because it seems that no matter what I do, even if I find momentary relief or silence, they'll always come back louder, breaking through the surface of my numb soul with a knife.
Change the roles
I hear the carriage come to a halt outside, the horses braying and trotting coming to a stop as my wife laughs along with her business partner, Emily. "Henry! Ben! Minnie! Your mother is home, come downstairs and present yourselves to her!" I shout upstairs to our children as I dust off my apron. It is a shame we didn't have any more girls, I do love Henry and Ben but they do not prove much use in the world of business or anything that would help our family or their own, they'll mostly be admired to help women bear children.
The children land at the bottom of the stairs still cleaned up from earlier; there's no reason to wait for Elizabeth to get home to have them bathed and having the boys help me clean the house, Minnie's still too young to be engaging in studies. Out of the window I see that Elizabeth had only just crossed the gate with Emily. I turned to inspect the children; Henry, the oldest, hadn't buttoned his top two buttons on his overcoat. "Dad they itch and choke me," he protested when I went to do it myself.
"Henry, do you want a wife? Well if so you need to start dressing more appropriately before the town starts talking about how my teenage son cannot be modest," I retort as I button him up.
"I'm sorry father, I just-"
"But nothing. Honestly, if you go out like this people will think you belong in a bordello."
Elizabeth had stopped in the middle of the path to chit-chat with the neighbor; good for her, she's been working so hard she deserves a little time to socialize. I move on to Ben; it seems he's starting to grow out of his clothes, any woman could stare upon his ankles and wrists. "Ben you must remind me when I need to tailor new clothes for you, I can't keep an eye on everything you know," I joke.
"Yes, father," Ben giggles as he tries to cover himself appropriately.
Elizabeth has started on her way to the door once again as I finally got to Minnie. Her hair is still a bit damp from earlier as it sits upon her tiny shoulders. She's wearing a dress, which I found a little strange but maybe she was just playing dress up in her room, Elizabeth had been talking about the gorgeous dresses being sold in France for the most elegant of women, mostly prime ministers or even President Madison, who supposedly had a sleek black velvet one being shipped over for her and the first gentleman's anniversary.
As I look at my daughter, I know she's dressing up as her hero, President Dolley Madison and I know she's going to do great things, maybe even become president herself one day. If she does choose to go down that path I just hope I'll be allowed to vote for her, but if not many eligible women will do so. Elizabeth starts twisting the door handle and I stand in line with the children, straightening my clothes to stay pretty for her. When she opens the door Minnie immediately runs to hug her at her knees.
"Well hello there- Ms. President," Elizabeth says when she notices her dress. Minnie then turns to Emily who simply salutes her. Minnie giggles and runs back up the stairs, but not before grabbing the newspaper. "Make sure you practice noticing the date sweetheart!" Elizabeth yells up to her.
"October ninth, eighteen eighty-three," Minnie shouts back proudly. Everyone downstairs applauds her intelligence, especially me.
"Jack can you set the table with a few drinks for Emily and I," Elizabeth tells me more than asks, but I just stay smiling because I know she's had a long day and just needs a drink.
"Of course dear. Ben, Henry, why don't you take these hard-working ladies' coats," I respond cheerfully. The boys go around the women and offer their arms in service as the ladies take their coats off and Elizabeth reaches down and gives them a quick squeeze of their shoulders as she sends them off.
I scramble to set up drinks for them and stand to the side waiting to be dismissed to get back to cleaning up. I'm so lucky to have Elizabeth as my wife, she's the most amazing woman on this planet; Emily's husband had even told me once that he was jealous of what I have because I'm treated so well. This is truly the perfect way of life.
The Broken Hearted
The devil, like most others, is afraid of a broken heart. But not of his own heart being broken, of having to see the ultimate suffering: a human dying of a broken heart. Alone with a shattered mind. The devil is afraid of this because he knows no amount of torment, so amount of pain could make this person feel again. They have died inside, never to truly love again.