Lonely
I was used to this loneliness
Until you came in my life
I was happy everyday with you
So why did you leave me?
I'm feeling the loneliness
Invading my life once again
I'm huddled in a dark corner
Praying for you to come back
Why did you cheat on me?
I loved you and still do
I want to hate you but I just can't
I thought you loved me
The gaping hole in my heart
Keeps growing larger and larger
My heart aches for you
The aching there gnaws at me
The happy memories that we have together
Is what gives me hope
To live
Even though you left
I wish the best for you
With tears streaming down my face
As long as you are happy
I will be fine
Maybe one day
I can throw away this love
And love another
But for now
This love, I will keep
Needing you
I need her
Without her I can't live
The pain in my heart
Was ten times as painful
As a twisting knife in my heart
I would die for her
I would take all her pain
Her sadness
And only let her know happiness
Why didn't she know that?
I staggered around
I couldn't stand it anymore
I texted her two words
Good
Bye
And then I took the largest knife I had
And slit my wrists
Watching the dark blood trailing toward the door
My last words were
"I can't live without you"
I Tried. I Tried. I Tried.
I worked my whole life
To get close to a belief that I had never questioned
I never had the courage to ask questions
So I just let pastors put labels on my heart
And I had priests tell me that I was forgiven for sins I never really felt bad about committing.
I tried
I tried
I tried
No matter how much I tried
No matter how much I pleaded
No matter how much a bled
I could never force myself to feel safe.
"Are you saved?" they ask.
No. I always thought no,
But I always said yes.
"Yes, I am saved. The devil can't get me"
But the devil already had me.
Darkness and sulfur ran through my veins.
I was beyond salvation the moment I sat down and had a drunken conversation with an old man who claimed to be satan.
I had seen satan, and this old man wasn't him. But the conversation was riveting.
We spoke of the levels of pain
And how the church is oblivious to the hell people are living in on a regular basis.
They are so busy trying to keep people out of this hell that their good book speaks of
That they don't concern themselves with the hell that reeks havoc in people's hearts and minds.
I tried
I tried
I tried
But I have failed.
I have walked away.
I cannot force myself to fall in love
With hypocrites who will only love me if I sit like a lady under the steeple every Sunday morning.
I cannot get close to a belief or a savior
That I'm not sure exists.
I have been to hell.
I have been to heaven.
And I can guarantee you that you won't find either place by sitting in a chapel or confessing in a confessional.
The universe is vast.
It is full of light and dark
Love and hate
Offense and forgiveness.
Everything we need is already blooming in the garden of our lives.
There is no need to try to fit into a mold you know you aren't meant for
No need to feel like you need saving
When you have two arms and a million stars ready to wrap around you at any moment.
I tried.
I failed.
But dammit, I lived.
-AshleyAnne
Ode to Toilets
She kneels down to her knees
And leans over the bowl
And spills forth her sins
From her stomach and soul
As she stares
Into the porcelain bowl of regrets
The cost of this cleansing
She never forgets
But she ate too much
And she ate so little
She wanted too much
What she wanted was little
She hated herself
And the hated this spot
She wanted thin to begin
But instead her heart stopped
Skin and bones, she lay there
On the bathroom floor
As slowly creaked open
The bathroom door
Heartbreak
Crying in bed at night
Smiling to cover up the hurt
I trusted you
But you still stabbed me in the heart
I was hurt
I decided to trust for once
I have now decided
I will not trust anymore
I have sealed my heart in a under layers of ice
The ice will not thaw anytime soon
Just like I will not trust anyone
Or fall for anyone
One day
The ice that you created will thaw
I will once again get on my feet
And become the person that I was before I met you
I will make sure
The person I fall for
Will love me too
And that he will never betray me
Like you did