“I’m glad I met you '' were the words that always escaped out of her mouth in the time I had known her. Most humans would find this phrase sweet, and at the time I did too. However, one day it began feeling as if it were some type of warning and fear arose at the idea that one day, I may never hear these words again. It wasn’t specified in her determined tone whenever it slipped out, which is why I could never wrap my head around the reason it would always send such chills down my spine. The feeling like a cold-blooded snake slithering up my spine, making its way up and wrapping its body around my ribcage as it vexed me with a haunting stare, leading me to a hypnotic state as I fell to a sudden and cold, lonely death. Cold and lonely; these two words I often repeat in my head. Maybe the snake was attracted to a type of heat. A need for love and disdain for such feelings of loneliness and frost. Love too strong it kills. The more the thought occurred, the less lonesome it assumed. I hoped maybe I could find my snake even if it were all an illusion, a mere trick bound for chaos and pain.
I somehow can’t remember how we first met, the memory foggy and unreal as if it had happened in some other reality somewhat similar to a dream. At the same time, it had felt as if it was more complicated than us simply meeting one day. I do know, however, she approached into my life when I was most vulnerable. It was the summer and the school year had sucked all kind of need for human interaction I would ever need and all I wanted now was to free myself with isolation. I had some craving for it like an addict scratching at their skin, pleading at any higher being, begging for more. On their knees and groveling to the sky… maybe you were mine. Both my sky I pleaded to in some need of bargaining for more and my drugs for which I sighed in relief when replenished. You filled up my craving for isolation with an obsession for you. The craving switching and worsening. I was normally repulsed at any kind of interaction. School seemed to extract any life force in me, making my face twist and turn at the sight of other people and leaving me with the feeling as if I were spending my days living in the body of a corpse, rotting more and more as if I were some zombie trying to navigate my way in this possessed, dilapidated vessel.
I don’t remember much about my time with her even though the feelings remain heavy and constant. Maybe they’re a reminder taking place of my unattainable memories. One memory I do remember quite vividly is one of the first times we had spent time together. I was shocked at my immediate answer when she requested it. I had planned a summer free and away from others. How did this girl so effortlessly take me in? Her magnetic energy attracted me, in some way the feeling, freeing. She had picked me up in some old broken-down truck and we had decided to go to the beach, not because we were particularly interested in it, but had no other destination in mind. When we got there, we sat around a bonfire and used our lighters to start the fire. She then offered me some beer she had bought earlier at a 7/11. I accepted and offered her a cigarette back in hope it would have the same effect. I’ll never forget the view and the feeling of the flames. The heat reflecting off us made me feel as if I were on another planet, with just her and I. I felt so warm, maybe it was due to the concerning distance we were near the fire, or the energy she seemed to radiate. I’m sure she was watching the dark waves unfold over the full moon and the spell-binding sight of the wood exploding in flames. Even due to all this excitement I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off her. She was so pretty. Her movements all perfect and to me, felt as if my eyes were repeating every one of her movements on repeat in slow motion to better dissect them. There were no words I could use to fully explain the pull she had on me. Euphoric maybe. Like a new discovered drug, much stronger and far more addictive than heroin or morphine. Compared to her these drugs were child’s play.
Every time I realized how fast I was falling into her I tried to pull back but ended up falling harder. Falling into her eyes, her warmth, her words… her. Falling metaphorically and literally. That feeling of floating seemed to follow me when I looked her way, dropping me into some pit of nerves when we finally locked eyes. She was my new addiction. Life lasting, sending me to trances and leaving me with a continuous stream of thoughts of her, never ending. She made a home in my brain and created a new section just for her settlement.
I loved thinking about her. Every aspect of her I made sure to memorize and repeat through my brain to repress the cravings. My hobbies soon became thinking of her. I’d imagine a world separate from just us. How pleasant, basking in her warmth all day as my soul escaped my body, pushed out by the ever-growing feelings of love that got far too big for my body to contain. Anything would be fine with me if she were there with me. My dreams intertwined with my reality and my habits of maladaptive daydreaming ran its course throughout the day, blocking any other type of action, leaving me helpless. How pleasant it would be, relying on her for everyone of my failures, guiding me out of the dark. I would imagine all sorts of scenes. Maybe we’re in our own house with a pool and we're blasting music and dancing around, all feelings of anxiety and nervousness washed away by each other’s glee. I could also imagine us in a more scenic place. I had always dreamed of dying in a field of flowers, blood splattered and staining the white color. How pleasant, to destroy something so beautiful. Flower Fields now seem like the perfect place for me to express my love for her. How pleasant, how pleasant. The overgrown gardens hovering over us as we stare into each other’s eyes and begin kissing. Although, what a shame it would be, the scent of flowers and grass diluting the smell of her. I’d much rather take her scent to anything else. I could picture myself putting Daffodil flowers on her doorstep everyday in hopes of her never forgetting me. She said those were her favorite flowers, but I wanted more.
More, more, more. I often grip at my floorboards in a stance of prayer and look into the sky for mercy. More. I want more of her. Please, please. Facts of her reduced my cravings and such feelings of intimacy would send a rush up my brain leaving me lightheaded and defenseless, a subtle feeling of warmth rushing to my head leaving a slight smirk. More. Like a drug I wanted to raise the dosage till I’m weak and drowning, nerves failing to process the extent of my feelings. I’d do anything to prevent the harm of her. Completely devoted to her preservation. How could I keep her beauty everlasting? The rushes she seemed to give me remained addictive and when I began running out of substances, she started slipping away from me. Oh, how I need her. The visions moving out of my head as I began left with my own thoughts. Her in my reality soon became unfeasible, so I resorted to my dreams. I would dream of us and nothing else. The only humans in the universe. Holding hands, walking through space and touching the stars. Sleep and dreams were all I had left of her. “Why won’t this illusion last?” I asked myself. Before I knew it, sleep felt nothing but a void in the dark. Nothing left of her. Cold and lonely once again. Forever longing for her warmth.
A Beating Heart and Lightning Strikes
Can I feel your heart?
The beats moved swiftly and rhythmically, trying to match my levels of exhilaration. She pressed her ear against my chest and a slight smile appeared on her lips, sending me warmth and the beat of my heart rose to crescendo.
There’s no beginning and there is no end to this story. Perhaps I shouldn’t call it a story or a poem. I sometimes refer to it as a stream of consciousness, a form my emotions seem to take when unable to find a vessel but in need of spilling out. Cascading words spewing out and foreboding love with an urgency to be heard.
I went to a psychologist the other day and she told me my heart was beating far too fast. She prescribed various sedatives, but none of them seemed to leave any effects. I’ve gotten pretty fond of my fast beating heart and I now often lay my hand atop my chest and feel the shape of the organ as it jumps in and out of my chest in an attempt to escape. The noise it makes as it pounds, almost a song my insides made just for her. I listen to it everynight in an attempt to slumber and yearn it’ll prompt my brain for dreams of her.
It was silent.
The only sounds bouncing off the walls in search of echo was the thunderstorm. We didn’t seem to notice it, or maybe we did, but didn’t care enough to process the memory. Heavy raindrops pattered against her window and a soft rumble sent the room in vibration. A flicker of light gleamed to her eyes. They were dark, but made me feel heavy and riddled. Like I was blocked and sent on a search for understanding. The light flicker unlocked a type of beauty a human eye must never see. Maybe this is love. I neglected time and stared into that second for eternity. The flicker of a second, so beautiful the ways her eyes shone, I had my mind freeze the time.
I want to see her.
The room was dark and we relied on our senses; I closed my eyes, letting the darkness in.
Our hands entangled in a need for connection and her fingers rubbed against my palm. Under mountains of blankets, our bare skin pressed against one another in need of warmth and vulnerability. She smelled sweet and warm, kind of like cocoa butter, but instead, something unique and just for her. I grazed my lips against her neck and kissed her. I whispered This is love and lightning struck.
Whenever loneliness eases in, like water slipping through cracks, I find myself writing to her. Maybe it’s a device of recollection, or maybe an emotion follows, so harsh, it must be let out.
The lighting struck, the thunder rumbled, and my heart pounds.
The rain hasn’t stopped.
Sleep now hounds me and although I long for thoughts of her… well… goodnight.
I love the rain.
Her heart had stopped moving.
Hours felt like years and although time seemed unreal in this new world she found herself in, it was painfully boring waiting around in this “something” that was far from existence.
She would stare at the sky, or maybe it was the ocean. The world shared the same reflection so it was difficult for her to tell things apart. She knew when she took steps a type of liquid would cover her feet and then drip off like tar as she lifted them up. She could touch the sky and the clouds, but it would feel the same as the ground. Maybe she was in some sort of bubble of reflections and water. She wanted to explore it more, but she had a fear of swimming alone.
Water, Ocean, Sky, Clouds. Water, Ocean, Sky, Clouds. Ocean, Water, Clouds, Sky? Clouds, Sky, Water, Ocean? She tracked her surroundings and repeated it in her head with nothing else in mind, and nothing better to do to fill the void of her boredom.
A girl appeared in the bubble. Her hair curly and hue changed depending on the sudden rays of light that would shine upon her. Her eyes had a sort of mystery that drew her into them. As she fixated on them she felt a feeling of such contentment and warmth. Like a lucky winner of fate. A feeling of such happiness filled her up she couldn’t help herself asking if the girl would like to go swimming with her. As she dove into the liquid she felt all her senses reach complete and raw happiness. Such strong feelings of serotonin filled her entire body. She couldn’t help but laugh… and the girl laughed back. A feeling of understanding covered her and she stared into the girl's eyes in hope of understanding more.
The rays of sunlight only followed the girl, but when she emerged from the water and it dripped off her skin like tar, the scenery changed to golden sunlight all around. She didn’t know this girl had such a power, but it also seemed she could do anything. Her magic; infinite. She had reached a ladder and now laid atop the grassy field that was on the other side. She did this as a test, she wanted to know if the girl loved her too and if she would follow her. She did and they reveled in each other's presence. The silence didn’t seem to bother them, and for once she thought it was quite nice.
So what do you wanna do?
What do you wanna do? The girl replied.
They both laughed, in a way of understanding and comfort. She didn’t know that type of laughter was possible, but the girl seemed to unlock it. She never wanted her to leave this world and if she stayed she’d never question this realm or the question of time ever again. She wanted to reach every type of understanding with her, so she stared into her eyes until she was in complete hypnozation. She’d hope to reach understanding with her through touch too. She yearned to kiss her and feel her warmth, skin, and stare into her eyes more. It was okay that time was nonexistent if that meant she could stare into her eyes for eternity.
Whatever you want. She responded.
They were close. So close. Then closer. Her happiness exploded out of her body as she tried containing it. The feeling of warmth projected to her like a blanket of some emotion. A pleasant one. Closer and closer till their lips collided and she felt all understanding. Not just of the girl but of worlds and realms and emotions. She kissed her till she felt the whole world (or this world) could be seen through the girl's eyes.
They were now on a bridge. Maybe that’s where her eyes took them. It connected time with space, conscious with unconscious, clarity with dissonance. They sat on the bridge, in the middle of everything. Where no one could touch them, stop them, haunt them. There was nothing above, nothing below. It was just them and they were the only things that made sense, but she was okay with that. The realm began melting, but she didn’t feel the need to look away from the girl's eyes. They both stayed.