Sometimes I think I’ve lived too long

Taken up too much time on this planet

Covered too much space

That’s just how life is

Sometimes I think I’ve changed too many people

Made them to be exactly who I need

It doesn’t matter that they aren’t who they were

We have more in common now

That’s just how life is

Sometimes I think the world would be better without me

The arguments caused by me wouldn’t exist

Everyone could live in peace

As they did before I came

And ruined everything

That’s just how life is

Sometimes I think I’m too hard on myself

But then I remember how much is my fault

I remember all the lies I’ve told

And all the grudges I just can’t let go

That’s just how life is

Sometimes I think I should be less controlling

I like to know exact details about everything

I like to make sure everything is going according to plan

That can get in the way of things sometimes

I need to trust others to do the right thing more often

That’s just how life is

Sometimes I think I need to do something about my procrastination

But I don’t know how

It keeps me from writing and doing school work

I know it’s an inconvenience

But I don’t know how to stop it

I don’t know how to force myself to do what I need to

That’s just how life is

Sometimes I think I’m a complete mess

Because of all the reasons listed above and more

I don’t know how to change myself

I don’t know if I’m really fine

And the only reason I think otherwise is that I’m unconfident

That’s just how life is

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear

I wish I could stay in one place for the rest of my life

And never have to worry about anything

And never have to do anything else

But that’s just not how life works

Sometimes, I just wish things were different

But I have to live with what I have

I have to be happy with what I have

Because it’s all I will ever have

Unless I make a change

And I can’t see myself doing anything drastic

It’s just how life works

Dullish, faintish, softish. The color might have fallen into either the green family or the blue family; however, I couldn't tell. All I saw was the pigment I dipped my industrial paint brush in.

The huge blank canvas was set out before me, like a blank page waiting to be written on. Roalle was the perfect color to use in the first strokes of a painting coming into being.

But what was roalle going to make? It had a green hue that sort of transitioned into a gray throughout, and the dullness of it might have been, at its most extreme, a little bit disturbing. How dull could a color be?

It made me think of rainy days in the spring of Portland and stained overalls. It made me think of old, peeled limes. It made me think of antique picture frames and ancient door handles in a mansion. It made me think of scratchy wool sweaters. It made me think of bitter chocolate and sweet almonds. Short haircuts and sea salt. Dark circles. Smudges of light eyeliner. Puffy clouds in a gray sky. Going to the beach during the winter.

I didn't even have to think. My brush started to swipe across the canvas, making its shapes along the edges and through to the middle where it swirled around and around, creating a floral sort of pattern but a random one.

And the result of what I created was a mixture of abtract shapes and the flowery designs of my paintbrush, all done with varying quantities of roalle paint.

And let me tell you, it was beautiful.

I happen upon a watch,

A strange pocket watch,

It looks old and vintage,

But is still has a shine,

A shine like none I’ve seen.

It is ticking,

Ticking consistent.

I pull the crown.

The ticking stops,

As does the words around me,

Everything is frozen.

I press it back,

Everything is fine,

Normal.

I twist the hands forward,

And backwards,

The world follows.

Smiling I laugh,

Now I control time,

But there must be,

Some consequence?

I walk down the street,

Making sure the time is correct.

People brush past,

I do not notice anything,

At first.

I can no longer be seen.

Falling without anyone to catch me,

This is my worst habit,

One I need to change soon.

I fall easily and fast,

Never do I fully recover.

I am not the kind of person,

Who loves one person one day,

And another the next.

I tend to never stop loving,

That special person.

My heart becomes split,

Into sections,

That are ever changing.

Imagine loving someone,

But they could never love you back,

Especially not in the eyes of society.

Imagine falling for someone,

Who just lets you fall.

Imagine feeling a piece of you,

Torn out on a regular basis,

Not every day,

But too often for comfort or health.

The feeling of loss,

Taking control.

Waiting

Is how I spend most of my time

Waiting

To get good news

Or even bad news

I just want something

Why will no one tell me anything?

I’m not too young

I can handle it

I deserve to know

It’s better if you give me updates

Then take me by surprise

When she is finally gone

But I can’t say any of this to you

Because I know it will hurt

So I just wait

And prepare myself

I prepare to lose yet another

I prepare to let go again

When she joined my family,

I thought it would be for a long time

I didn’t think she would leave too

And for the same reason

It’s too much

I can’t wait anymore

I need to get it over with

Can’t you see?

The cancer will get her

Just as it did my grandmother

Just as it did my friend’s mom

She can’t keep living like this

I can’t keep living like this

I don’t know if I will ever see her again

I think being sure is better

Otherwise, I convince myself it’s not true

Otherwise, I start believing everything will be okay

It won’t

She will die

Any second now

I need to stop thinking otherwise

I need to start letting go

She should already be gone

She shouldn’t be taking up so much of my time

I should be able to get her out of my head

There’s nothing I can do

I’m just me

Just a girl who can’t stop holding on

Just a girl who has lost so much

Of what her heart once contained

To a horrible beast

A horrible beast that seems unstoppable

And all I can do is sit

Sit, watch, and wait

As it tears families apart

As it rips people from my life

One

After another

Maybe someday

It will be my turn

Maybe someday

I will find myself at its mercy

And I won’t

Have to wait for news anymore

I won’t

Have to wait to suffer from the loss

It will finally rip me from the world

The same world that it has made look ugly in my eyes

And I can say goodbye to the beast

Once and for all

I like to forget all that’s going on around me

I like to pretend that the world isn’t evil

I like to live in my mind

In my mind, I am brave

In my mind, I can talk to anyone

In my mind, no one is mean

In my mind, good people always win

I like to get attached to people

I like to see someone everyday

I like to know there are people who care

The world likes to play games with me

The world feeds off how easily I am hurt

The world doesn’t care how worthless I feel because of it

Someday, it will all be better

Someday, I will know who really cares

Someday, I won’t have to worry about how uncertain my future seems

I like to lie to myself

I like to convince myself that nothing's as bad as it seems

I like to tell myself that my problems aren’t real

I tear myself down a lot

And the only way I get back up

Is by convincing myself of things that just aren’t true

Yes, it’s possible things will get better

No, it is not a guarantee

I may never find out who the people are who really care

There will most likely always be someone who only cares about me

When it benefits them

It’s sad that I can’t become close to anyone

Without having a legitimate fear of them turning their back on me

I hate change

I hate seeing people I loved leave

But it’s part of life

Lying to myself won’t make it go away

It will only hurt me more in the long run

I want every person in this world,

To find their true love,

Their soulmate.

Even if it takes a lot,

Of time,

Loss,

Struggle.

Everyone deserves to meet their partner,

It does not have to always work out,

But we deserve this at the least.

To know that there is someone,

Or there was someone,

Meant just for us.

I want a lot of things,

But this is what I want

For the world,

For humans,

While we exist.

Sorry to be a downer,

I would not drink,

From the fountain.

I would take one bottle,

Fill it with the water,

Then destroy the fountain.

Then I would beg for forgiveness,

From whoever built/bestowed,

This fountain.

Humans are not meant to be immortal,

We need to learn to move on,

Being trapped in the world,

Is not only a gift,

But a curse.

The fountain would cause more trouble,

Than it is worth,

But I would take a bottle,

Not for me,

But cannot help myself.

I would tell my closest friends and family,

Those who I love them most,

But I would keep it low.

A fountain of eternal youth,

Should not be here,

In this place that thrives on change.

Think hard,

Do you really want to be young forever,

Be alive forever?

There is a reason nothing lasts forever.

You sparked a flame inside of me that day

As the leaves broke free from the trees,

My heart broke free from the walls I had made

You took away all the protection I spent so long creating

I remember skipping through the leaves as a little kid would

I didn’t care who saw me

I didn’t care what they thought

All I cared about was you

All I could think about were my fingers laced between yours

My hands are always cold

You gave me a way to warm them when you aren’t there

With the flame you sparked that day

I know I worry too much

I know I spend most of my time stressing

But that day, all there was in this world was you and me

You, me, and our warm hands

Our warm hearts

You took my hollow heart

My heart that was weak from the endless suffering others had put it through

And filled it once again

I will forever remember that autumn day

The day the leaves died

And I was brought back from the dead