you start with a hey. you grasp their hand firmly in yours. you look them in the eyes. the same eyes that you fell in love with, the same eyes that give you courage. you broaden your shoulders, newfound resolve seeping into your bones, and you pull them close. you tell them you love them.

l

I don't know if it's you and me.

I don't know if it's the tremble of your hands.

I don't know if it's the light shining out of your eyes.

I don't know if it's the insults that you throw at yourself.

I don't know if it's the heavy sound of your footsteps.

I don't know if it's the rhythmic thrum of your heartbeat.

I don't know if it's the shiver in your voice.

I don't know if it's the knowledge in your words.

I don't know if it's the curve of your soft cheeks.

I don't know if it's the random of your thoughts.

I don't know what's happening but it feels like love.

you weren’t mine. you never were. we met when you were barely an adult. you were curious but so was i. i was confused but you weren’t. your lips were soft and you smelled of the ocean. i was drowning and you were oxygen. it wasn’t love right at the beginning, but at the end, let me tell you, it was. we ended when you sat me on the shore and you told me it wasn’t love for you anymore. you left me on the shore in high tide and i let the flood carry me away. i hope you know that i’m still yours. because you weren’t mine forever but you were mine too.

I catch my breath every time I'm with you. I'm sitting behind you, hanging on to the bars because I'm too shy to drape my hands around your middle, fit my body snugly into yours and I remember you telling me that we fit because we are made for each other. Every single time the wind ruffles your hair, sunshine bouncing off your brown curls which look so golden when the rays of the sun touch your face. I'm jealous of them for a moment but then I remember how tight you hold on to me at night and I remember how you press your chapped lips to the cross around your neck that I gifted you. I remember how you need me and want me. I remember I have you. When you're riding the bike, a jaw breaking smile is pasted on your face, you're so happy, euphoria leaking out of you and seeping so, so deep into my bones. I love the feeling of your soft lips pressed against mine when you step out of the shower, water dripping from your hair onto our faces and I love you. I tell you I love you and when you say it back, my heart skips a beat and I can't breathe. I always wonder how I even breathe when I'm with you because I can't. Then I remind myself that without you, the walls close in and I can't breathe. Only when I'm with you, I gasp, I heave, I respire, I pant, I breathe. I'm you and you're me and we're us. Codependent, fucked up and alive.

I've been trying so hard,

To stay on my feet

I've been trying so hard,

To let the colors in

I've been trying so hard,

To not reach out and push the strand of hair away from your face.

I've been trying so hard,

To let the words break me

I've been trying so hard,

To let you cushion my fall

I've been trying so hard,

To let the time fly by

I've been trying so hard,

To get back in sync

I've been trying so hard,

To find a cover to recover

I've been trying so hard,

To keep every memory

I've been trying so hard,

To be what you like

I've been trying so hard,

To stay alive.

Just breathe, he tells me. How can I, when your fingers are woven so tightly around mine? How can I, when every word you say makes me feel invincible? How can I, when every breath you take is more important to me than it is to you? How can I, when you go on daring ventures without even a smidgeon of care about your own soul? How can I, when you tell me you sold your soul to the devil?

You talk in circles when you're feeling, your hands tremble when you touch me, you look alive when you speak about the things you love, you adore the wretched cat who likes to growl at me when we cuddle, your palms are clammy when you join them to mine, you tell me all about your dreams but lock up when it comes to your nightmares, I know how lovely your voice sounds when you sing along to Rihanna in the car.

I know you. I know how broken you are, I know how you don't want me to want you to change and I know you know that I love you as you are.

 A couple of months ago, I wasn’t happy but I was trying to be. So when my friend asked if I wanted to go shopping, I said yes. We hung out all day and talked about absolutely nothing and had some good pasta. We went into one of the stores and noticed a linkin’ park t-shirt; my friend being the absolute fangirl, bought it. That’s how I remember linkin’ park. I don’t know linkin’ park’s music or the band members but I know that day. I was happy then. I had a good day. That’s how I remember linkin’ park. I remember them happy.

Chester Bennington died today and is survived by his six children, wife and millions of fans. I don’t know what it means to you but I know what it means to me. It means that having money won’t make you happy so stop looking for happiness in things that are purely materialistic. It means life hurts, so, so much. Chester Bennington was a survivor and he fought as long as he could, as much as he could take. And it’s inspiring. There’ll be cunts like Piers Morgan who’ll tell people to ‘man up’ because he’s never felt empathy in his entire life but there’ll be people who want to help you, who think you deserve to get better. Keep these people close.

I can’t stop crying, I can’t. I don’t know if it’s grief, an epiphany or just plain old sadness. I’m unhappy, miserable and choked. But I’m trying so hard. I want to live, I do and I know when it feels like your life is falling apart, you’re all alone and worthless, it gets better. With effort and with hope and with people who care about you. It’s not just empathy, it’s sympathy too. It’s just caring enough. If you’re in pain, speak up about it. If you’re in an unsafe environment, talk to someone who might understand and surround yourself with positivity. Dress up, look pretty, feel pretty. Do anything, keep busy.

i never wanted to be alive. i never have. death means freedom to me. i'm a coward, so i am the one denying myself the freedom, the end to this but i don't feel finished, you know? i want closure. i want to know if there's anything to life more than this, more than misery, bitterness and fleeting moments when i feel alive. 

breathe

take a shower

take a nap

read

study

fall in love

don't lose all your friends

you're still young

cutting doesn't help so put the blade down

be happy