(Once upon a Time has been wrong since the late eighteen hundreds because Once was a dick to Time and Time got sick of his shit. So being the sociopath that he is Time killed Once’s family and made Once his slave. Hence, in a social hierarchy sense . . . a Time upon Once there was Fin.
When growing out of his milk teeth Fin dreamed dreams of dreams. Dreams of Lana Emmig putting out and others full of abracadabras. Dreams of blissful nudity and dreams where the main characters go belly up.
White dreams, soggy dreams, bad dreams and wet ones too.
At this moment, the point in which our story commences, Fin, this dumb relatively innocent boy lay in his bed, in the position of a fetus drooling pools of saliva. Lost in his head, he partook in his daily daydreams. Not to draw pleasure nor lacking it, it was just defiantly natural and despite him being unaware, essential to his spiritual health. He could spend hours like this, days if it were not for the world outside of him.
In his current vacation he was dressed like some sort of performer. Stuffed in his fancy clothes he was in the midst of what looked like a magic show and he was assisting a fat man that stood at the edge of the stage. Facing the audience the man held a gun, a .45 revolver and he pressed the end of the barrel to the skin under his jaw and began to dance.
Fin lived in a house with his parents and his brother. He wasn't fond of any of them. And like most children he didn't listen. However it wasn't for the same reasons. He spent most of his time in his room grounded because he went too far or said too much. His parents were very controlling and didn't distinguish the relationship understanding and choice have with creating a moral individual. Maybe it is for the same reasons.
After having one of his episodes, he slipped out of bed and put some pants on. It was still morning. He put some socks on. The fat, yellow sun hanged outside and poured through the window by Fin’s nightstand. He put a shirt on. Fin went and closed the curtains and went back to bed fully dressed and all. He wasn't ready to leave the comfort of his room. Not yet. Today his family was having a little reunion or something at his house to welcome Fin’s uncle Jared back into society. It was sort of like a party but for a criminal. Few of the family members convened with the innocent intention of helping and welcoming Jared, the others had another reason to celebrate. Jared was branded by Fin the uncle that always gave him a cheap magic set for his birthday because he was his uncle and he always gave him a cheap magic set on his birthday. So a swarm of relatives that Fin saw twice a year, would be infesting the already infested home. Fin didn't want to deal with it, so in his dark habitat he went to sleep.
-
The sun was slipping away, back into its hiding place under the horizon. The rest of its visible body lit up a flat field of harvested corn. And in the midst of the dry ravaged ears of corn decorating the floor a pig ran amok. It was bleeding out through the messy stub it had for a tail. It screeched and squealed into the dim, darkening air dripping a trail of black blood behind him and Fin watched.
-
On the moon little green bumps, behind Fin, decorated its pale surface in dogpiles. He tried to investigate the animals and their names. In a matter of seconds he could manage fluent conversations and dialogue with them and in return they shared their croutons.
-
Fin awoke to the clatter from the door. He gave sort of a groan and dragged himself out of bed. When Fin opened the door he saw his mother shrugging with her arms crossed. Fin just squinted and tried to focus on her.
“Good morning.” he groaned
“Fin, I told you that you had to get up early 2o3jr op4gjer ngjee hefoqwife eh ioefq we jhfo vf jnkjwenoi to help your brother clean the kfjnriv” said his mother. “Some of the guests will tg4i arriving soon I need to fno rjgno4o tkg g more makeup now so you have to take your pills and go straight into the kitchen jrf 4igjnit hkkfng jr jrngjnjgn finish up with Jimmy. Okaaaay Quickly.”
She walked away hastily, trying to feign her impatience to reach the bathroom mirror. It seemed that she had other priorities at the moment so Fin had time to lay back in his room a little while and he did. And after rolling around in his bed for some time he brought up the will to aid his brother in the kitchen and he left the room.
He went downstairs and saw that his brother was not alone. He walked into the kitchen and was welcomed by his brother, father, and a visitor. The intruder was one of his uncles, an early guest. This uncle in particular looked like a guy who had a big wardrobe. He was fat and his pregnant belly rose high and fell quickly at his belt. The fine clothing went in accordance with his shiny, bald head and made him look just a little iffy. He has a good relationship with the family and his name is Franklin but we can call him Fatfuck.
“Fin. My god you’ve gotten so big” said Fatfuck. “What do you feed these children Marvin, Beans? And this hair, God its so thick and Brown. Marvelous.” he said. “Marvelous”.
Uncle Fatfuck ran his fingers through Fin’s hair. He marveled at the gorgeous locks on his head. He longed for those locks. And beside Fatfuck’s sensitive stimulation towards any type of hair Fin actually had really nice hair. So his admiration turned into misguided desire and it started to peek out onto his face and at the sight of this odd transformation Fin pulled away and Fatfuck’s hand fell to his side. Fin’s dad was quick to interrupt the scene.
“Fin help your brother here in the kitchen” said Marvin with an awkward laugh. “I’m gonna take Uncle Franklin outback and start the barbecue.”
Fin nodded and the two aged siblings walked out leaving Fin and Jimmy alone. They’re eyes met. Fins eyes were of apathy and Jimmy’s of anger.
“Just because dad had to take you to therapy last jne ejfno2p jnjfoo4 je j4fno 4j jeijf3no enoe ekenior” said Jimmy. “I’m getting really sick and tired of your little immature helpless qworfinmirfin. Don’t think for a second that you can just ignore people and forget the things you have to do because you have problems. You can't just forget the rules. I have pempilla sin contu rim lasso. Memfa finito lan hubo huboso hubosina humberto. Umfvell tintila you’re wrong mokpii. Wendel mansdeq trinfindology mi ponch imo lala grow up. I’ve been kglg6 klgrnqqjkr gjr rkth 24l4t lenh hth6 moooy penke nipnip the rest is yours.”
Thats too much.
He left avoiding further eye contact as if looking at Fin again with nothing to say would make him any weaker. Either way he was only three years older than Fin. That's what went to his head all the time. Sometimes to relieve himself Fin would just imagine Jimmy dying of fecal contamination. Pollution from microorganisms in Jimmy’s gastrointestinal tract helped Fin tolerate him. But Fin now found himself alone in the kitchen and he could afford to breathe.
Fin started mopping the kitchen. He was a short fellow so his hands grabbed the mop in an almost horizontal position. He swayed the mops old braids across the floor and after a while Family members started arriving and ringing the doorbell. His dad and fatfuck were outback, his brother was upstairs, and his mother was in her room probably powdering her face so Fin turned into the door administrator. They’d say hello and ask him where they could find his parents and he would tell them they were out back. And gradually little groups of people spread into segregated bunches throughout the backyard. They said things like “I don’t feel very good” “Me neither” “I feel bad” or “I feel really bad”. Most of Fin’s family talked to Fin in an odd manner. He was immature, a little imp boy. They spoke in a hybrid form of patronization and fear at the same time. People talked and treated Fin from a distance because of the same reason he had to take those pills. His doctors said he was ““mentally ill””.
The pills Fin was supposed to take lay in the cabinet where the rest of the family’s medication was. But Fin’s pills were special. They were for his hallucinations. Fin didn't hear voices or anything like that. He wasn't that crazy. His hallucinations were more like movies. From time to time Fin would have these episodes of “self mutilation”. Stuff of its own nature his mind would project. He saw things he didn't want to see and it was all so real. It was like dreaming. You don't know your in a dream until you wake up.
The doctor hadn't really seen anything like Fin’s case so he was a distinctive patient. Those drugs helped him escape the deep unexplored caves of his own mind, he thought. When off them the visions were like trying to swat flies in your own head. They buzzed and stuck wherever they pleased. His visions clouded his mind and if it were not for the anesthesia he was able to feed on, his thoughts would drown him.
In this dormant state Fin tickled the floor with his mop. He danced around with it until the kitchen smelled disinfected and rid of bacteria. By the time he finished a crowd was outside waiting for their burgers. Marvin and the iffy uncle, Fatfuck had taken over the grill and were handing out dinner. This was the perfect time for Fin to go upstairs so he could jack off. He had already been thinking about it for some time. So he rushed to put the things away so nobody’d notice he was gone. He sprang out of the kitchen and made his way upstairs when he heard someone at the door. Fin thought it could've been Jared since he hadn’t arrived yet so he walked down the steps to welcome him.
When Fin opened the door he didn’t see uncle Jared. What he saw was a masked man wearing black clothes which is all Fin could digest before the stranger broke a glass bottle over Fin’s head. Fin toppled over to one side and the last thing he remembered were the dozens of crystals ricocheting of his skull onto the ground.
The man quickly picked up Fin’s dead weight and threw him over his shoulder. The silhouette closed the door and carried our now unconscious protagonist down the steps of the front porch with him. He made his way to his car parked a little ways down the road cause all of the guests had constipated the vehicle flow in and out of the house’s parking space.
The kidnapping was successful. The stranger arrived at his destination with his loot and dumped it in the trunk (He wasn't a bad guy. He put quilts and pillows in the back.). Meanwhile the laughter and noise of unrelated simultaneous voices you get when you enter a school cafeteria arose from the party currently being thrown for Jared and filled the air. And just like that Fin left his home, parents, and family for an extensive amount of Time unconscious, oblivious and unaware of the fact that he was in fact leaving in the small smelly Trunk of a Honda driven by goldfish addict.
5
A Time upon once man befriended frog, kind of. This was at a time where man was still vulnerable to the forces of nature and if it were not for man’s poor agility and their self control towards bananas they would be completely indistinguishable to the monkeys.
One day after centuries of watching man’s monotonous insanity Papa Frog decide to be nice. He hopped of his pond and jumped over to an ordinary homo sapien who stood sucking on his fingers.
“Ei. Ei ei ei stupid. Look just rub these sticks together” said Papa Frog.
“Uuuuuug baaabaabaapo!” said man muffled, still with his hand in his mouth
Papa Frog sighed and hopped over to build a fire. When he did man went completely out of the mind he clearly didn’t have and when Papa Frog witnessed this, he realized the problem was worse than he thought.
The frogs took pity on man and assigned their worst and dullest to attend the trivial moral nuisance that was helping the hairless simians adapt. But even their least developed frogs aided humanity in a way that could best be described as too well.
After giving man the gifts of a tiny bit of consciousness they wanted to get rid of the frogs.
“We don't like Frogs,” said man, happy now that he had finally figured himself out. “We like green things, green stuff.”
Then the light bulb.
“Ooooooooh ooooh oooh. How could I have missed this. Oh this is good. This is really good,” said man. “I’ll make green paper.”
Even the frogs didn’t count on man’s inconceivable and boundless stupidity. Of course the noble frogs still wanted to help. They sent the smaller frogs to make their homes and living spaces in the inner ears of humans. These mammals later called these frogs cognition, demons, ingenuity, god, never actually being polite.
In the history of this little blue and green spot only one dude has ever acknowledged and worked beside the jumping amphibians.
His name is Christ, Jesus Christ.
Only frogs could manifest a soul with such divine love and perfection. And so by default the son of frogs implemented a variable. Because if there’s anything you know from being omniscient it’s that variables make you happy. For example:
“Wo, Jesus how did you walk through that wall?” one of the disciples asked as they all looked in astonishment.
“Nigga what can i say? My dad gave me rad photons.” Jesus said and winked at the frog in his ear.
Though this is a rare output when fucking around with your frog. Most humans that lose or just never had a frog usually end up riding in small school buses or taking a lot of medication.
Please do treat your green angels with care.
6
“Jared you fat poop. You didn’t have to put him to sleep.”
“Well how was I supposed to know that? You drugged me when it was my first time.”
“It goes to show how a real big obese brown- wait I think he’s waking up.”
Numb and drowsy Fin slowly exposed his eyeballs to a mysterious old smiling face. The woman bent over him looked like at least an eternity old. Her long stringy gray hair hung over her wrinkly and funny-looking complexions. About forty percent of the matter that made up grandma belonged to gravity. She looked beautiful in that granny kind of way, gentle and understanding.
This is where I come in.
“WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN OREOS.”
Fin sprung upward. Reality rushed into him and he saw himself between four small walls with Jared and the granny standing by and pushing air trying to calm him down.
“Easy, easy there.” the Granny said.
Fin sat back down on the mattress in the middle of the room and held his head in his hands.
“I’m sorry but I don’t have any.” said Fin
“Don’t have any what?”said Jared.
“BULLSHIT” I say. You need to understand I usually don't get this mad.
“Can you guys like stop screaming. I am literally like three feet away,” said Fin.
“We’re not talking,” said Jared.
“Here take this.” Granny came over and handed Fin some oreos. “Put them in your ear.”
“No, no. This is- Awwwwww” Fin moaned in pleasure as the granny quickly interrupted his words with inner ear masturbation. She held his head pressed against the mattress with one ear facing up and begun her second procedure. With one hand she held a slightly opened, plastic ziploc bag containing some black sand while the other pushed firmly on Fins skull. As she poured some of the ziplocs contents into one of Fin’s head holes, Fin didn't let out a single doubt or complain but instead the sound of complete self abandonment.
Finally the bastards realized I was hungry. I chugged down that oreo sand like it was nothing and after three or four bags Granny Melba taught Fin how to feed me.
“As weird as this may sound this actually feels really good,” said Fin now starting to shove crushed up oreo chunks into his ears and simultaneously my dinner plate.
“No just the left one silly.” Granny giggled. “I forgot Pekuku must have been really hungry.”
“So I’m not so sure what’s happening exactly,” said Fin twirling his blind finger around the inner canals of his left ear. “but I would really appreciate it if one of you would please care to inform and share the details and what’s the word. . . sense of our current situation with me, the apparent victim.”
“These are the basics,” said the granny. “You now have a frog in your ear and you have to feed it. It will purge away all of your zany daydreams and in turn you will feed him oreos. You can direct the rest of your inquiries with Dr. Melendez, our frog nurturer.”
-
The room was soaked in green light. A tall ceiling made of glass looked down upon a fully developed ecosystem of the anura order. The floor was topped in a sea of green critters that all moved around like a single organism. Amidst the vast kinetic organization stood a man and his inamorato. Like a king, he stood over his land and his castle.
The Great Fernando and his lover.
The frog nurturer met eyes with Fin and welcomed him into his kingdom. He walked over with his toad on his shoulder like a pirate and his parrot, his skin slightly tinted green.
“Paaaapiiii quuuueee paaaaaaaasaaa,” said Dr. Melendez.
“Hey, my name is Fin. Are you um the frog nurturer?”
The man turned to look at the toad on his shoulder. Then the toad spoke.
“PEKUKU”
With that one word I, the creature previously inhabiting Fin’s inner ear sprouted from the side of his head.
“I imagine you’ve come because of your newly found companion, no?” the amphibian king asked.
“Yes, yes precisely,” he said looking at me now squatting comfortably on his shoulder. “I’m having quite a bit of trouble understanding the whole frog and oreos idea.”
“Well don’t you worry because there’s no fixed feeding time like a gremlin or anything. Pekuku will just start humming and you’ll know what to do. Listen buddy this is a really good thing.” he said reassuringly “These guys,” he extended an arm over his frog farm “they’re only here to help.”
“Well I feel that your charm has obligated me to say that I love both you and your pets” said Fin, a hand over his chest.
“If there’s anyone whom shall be labeled as a PET it’s us.”
Fin was intrigued by this Frog King Fernando (yes I believe this is a formal title and deserves to be capitalized not that it makes any sense to call out this one particular grammatical fuck up but fuck ups help fellow fuck ups.) and so he ignorantly jutted out in open arms and gave him a big hug.
“Fine, I’ll call them guardian angels,” said Fin.
At that moment the great and powerful Fernando knew that this night would be spared for a lavish and wild feast. They would throw the doors out of the windows so to speak.
“Hear ye hear ye,” Fernando turned around and called over the multitude of green spots. “Today we feast Anuku Kiki style,” and the crowd went wild.
It was only a matter of minutes before all the frogs and toads had gathered together like a colony of ants and set up a long white mantled table embellished with candles and fancy glassware, the whole shabang. This happens while Fernando takes Fin outside for a quick tour of the facility but mostly gets caught up talking about video games.
A cornucopia of croutons and oreos ran along the middle of the table and over this white rectangle centered in the room every amphibian nervously looked at each other as their slobber dripped down their bellies. They waited for Fin to take the first bite of the evening meal. In this way they showed respect to their guest.
“Hey what are all of you looking at me so funny for?” said the only idiot in this story.
“Oh they’re just waiting for you to take the first bite that’s all,” said the nurturer.
“Well,” Fin turned his head to look down the two rows of the poop green angels sitting across from one another. “Lets let them feast first.”
“In that case. . .” Fernando called “MIKIKI,” then like I had not long ago seeped out of Fin’s ear a massive specimen like no other frog in the room ballooned out of Fernando’s ear, a divine creature.
He plopped himself upon Fernando’s shoulder and spoke to the table “Obey the desires of this human. After all he is now an extension of our kind,” he spoke with a slow and deeply heavy voice. “Oh and Patrick no more genji on defense,” he looked directly at one of the frogs and Patrick gulped down a golf ball.
After giving Fin a smile that penetrated directly into his soul and his being in warm reassurement, MIKIKI, the god frog, returned to his humble ear hole and the amphibians immediately started digging in.
It’s amazing the number of oreos the average frog can fit in its mouth.
“These past twenty-four hours have been really weird mr. frog nurturer. You don’t know how good it feels to finally meet someone sane,” said the idiot.
“Well I’ll drink to that,” Fernando didn’t say. What he actually said was “Have you met Granny Melba?”
“Yes”
“Well then did you know that she is the one that founded this place? She is the one that funds all of my research. She herself is a genetic scientists studying everything from flying pigs to ants with super strength. We’ll show you most of the facility’s departments and functions in action tomorrow. And maybe, if you get bored, you can go check out the fair. But in the meantime finish your croutons because we have the best twelve computers set up to play overwatch and we’re gonna play until one of us loses all perception.”
“Uuuuuu I love that game.”