To Honor What You Feel
If you do anything today, I hope you give yourself space to honor what you feel. Whatever it is that you feel.
Feel what you do even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. Even if someone says you’re not supposed to feel the way you do. Even if another person alive couldn’t relate to what you’re feeling. Feel it anyway.
Feel what you do even if it’s ugly and messy and rough around the edges. Even if it’s the worst of you. Even if you’re afraid to hear what the pain has to say. Even if you’d rather pretend you didn’t feel a damn thing and be numb. Feel it anyway.
Feel what you feel even if it’s silly. Even if it’s joy you have to celebrate alone. Even if it’s little and quirky and only for you. Feel it anyway.
I want you to lean into feeling even when it’s scary and doesn’t make sense to you. I want you to grab feeling by its hand and explore its inner workings together. I want you to ask questions. I want you to be okay without answers. I want you to wonder. I want you to think. I want you to be curious about the darkness. I want you to embrace the quiet. I want you to enjoy the lightness.
I want you to be absolutely enveloped by feeling because that is why you’re alive. That is why you are here. To feel everything you do and feel it deeply. Because to do otherwise is a betrayal to your heart, to your humanity, to yourself.
I hope you give yourself space to honor what you feel because you deserve to experience your own emotions. You owe it to yourself and your life to actually experience it fully. Besides, you can't ignore what is demanding to be heard forever.
- by Collective World, Thought Catalog
(wanted to share it, in hopes it will move others too)
Reading this really moved me, and made me think more about how I handle my feelings and especially my pain, and the things that make me too uncomfortable because they hurt to pick them up from the ground,
that you would rather bury them instead "because it's easier".
I think it's in our nature to divide our feelings in the "good" and the "bad" category... but in honesty, if we do that, we just end up in a bigger mess of feelings that we started with. I think its about stopping considering some feelings negative, therefor putting them aside because it's hard and "well, no one wants to feel THAT, so let's not" approach.
I have a big difficulty expressing the feelings that make me uncomfortable, and it takes a lot of my energy to let them out, because I always fight them. It's is something that became a habit of mine by now and it's difficult not to fall under that pressure
(yes, a pressure that I put on myself, so surviving would be easier, so it would be harder to get hurt again).
But it's never easy, because one day you come across someone that opens doors, that crushes your walls or at least crumbles your foundation, slowly brick by damaged brick. And the light feels intoxicating and brings a gust of fresh, unpolluted air, but it also brings the chill that comes with that wind. With the wind that makes the things that you hid so well, resurface.
The hurt, the pain, the sadness, the heartbreak that colored your past so many times. All the things that you neatly stacked in shelves and that you locked away in the basement. Leaving those things in the darkness, happily letting them cover with mold and dirt over time and each passing year. But now all of that is slowly being EXPOSED and it fills you up with dread because now, you actually have to TALK about it, you have discuss it, leaving your armor and your protection in a corner in that basement and adjust to the light that's coming in.
Whenever I am faced with letting out pain and hurt, whenever there are too many tears coming to make it possible to breathe properly, I crumble. And it's not a pretty picture, no it never is. It's that moment that I hate the most, the moment that makes me feel the worst possible thing in my dictionary... it makes me feel weak. And with the feeling of weakness, comes the sensation of being helpless, of being unprotected and opened to any possible wounds and damages that can come my way. Me, the exposed animal in a forest with no trees. Scared of being caught up with too many feelings to and not knowing if I can stay above the surface of the water, of the waves that always come out of nowhere and want to swallow me whole.
The thing is, those feelings scare me, because I let them scare me, I let them grow like a giant in a child's nightmare, blowing everything out of proportion. The feelings that I don't want to expose are real, and cause me so many things. But the truth is that I have to let that giant return to its natural size. I don't know how long that would take, fully aware that it will cause many tides of feelings that are considered the bad ones, the negative little monsters that we fear.
But the one thing I do know, that it will be worth it.
Living in fear, is not living. It's just making it through a day, again, and again, and again. But I want more than that, I want to face my demons, my fears, my pain.
It will be a long journey, and there will be many walls to break through, but I have stepped on this road already, and I want to continue it until the new light no longer blinds me, until the wind no longer chills me. Until the light brings me warmth.
Questions in a Troubled Mind
Is our reality a controlled hallucination? Do we actually have a physical existence or are we merely four dimensional thoughts? Is our consciousness actually just a continuance of our unconscious mind? What is behind the perception of our perspective? Is our reality created by our necessities? Is it all simply adaptive reality? Are we all irreducible representations of the symmetries of space time?
Questions that I ponder when the stress piles up in my life. I don’t know the exact answers to these questions, a lot are based on theoretical ideas and some like the problems in my life are transitory. They help me not to dwell on the negative and to work towards the positive. No matter how complicated it gets.
To Tamera Lynn: When death calls to me, I'll have no choice but to answer. It will throw darkness over this chapter of our existence. Worry not my love, for I'll become one with the Great Spirit and become the wind that caresses your skin and whispers, “I will love you always.”; on the soft breeze. I will hold you when you sleep and gently kiss your lips as you wake. Most importantly, I will be waiting for you on the other side, so that we can continue our journey together, through eternity!
Pursuing power, political parties purposefully promoted polarization.
Pondering people perceived, persisted, pinned pigs. Peace prevailed.
As the yelling ceased
With the wind blown rain
The dead lined up
To be counted
Amongst the damned
Who’ve yet to realize
Their time has ended
As had the storm
Disconnect. Deliberating distracts.
Dig deeper. Dirt doesn't downright dissolve dilemmas.
Deny. Don't directly disclose.
Josie jonesing, Josh joking, just jabs jolting a jive, jubilant jewels jinxed or justified?
I’ve asked the stars for nothing.
Their deaths are bright enough.
Not for warmth but wonder.
The duende that keeps us searching
the skies. Forever, for answers that
outlast us. Until we too, become
bright enough. And we too, perpetuate.
We become wonder too. And we title
it: life. Not survival. Life. Because we
bloom, we create, we combust. To
illuminate the ones we love. The ones
that drive our fusion. The ones that
become our debts. The ones that mourn
our belonging. Our metamorphosis from
light to dark.
And as our deaths take up space. And
our ashes settle into pervious Earth.
She accepts us. And keeps us and
our pieces. Pieces that find themselves
crowded, intermixed, weaved within the
mud of humanity.
And we are okay. We are okay with that.
Because when everyone is dirt and
all the color washes out,
is hurt ever chosen?
So my love, look up.
Find yourself in the mire between the
pinpricks. Find yourself in the brilliance
gathered within black veil.
You are right where you need
Farce for failing dreams
Forlorn phantom feelings of filthy facade forces forgone fabled fantasy fighting farce for futile freedom.
Afoul after affair. Afraid after affray. Aflame after afire. Afar after afoot. Afflux after afloat.