Last Meals
“Hello, is anyone out here?” a man’s voice called out over the loud thumping of helicopter blades.
I hurt, deeply. I’m tired, beyond reason, and a part of me is afraid to answer the question. A dying part of me - the part that has been chased and hunted down for God knows how long - still believes I should stay quiet and stay hidden. More than anything though, the pain of my hunger supersedes all. It is like a knife slowly carving out my gut; each digestive organ slowly being filleted. I am finally tired of running and hiding. Tired of being in so much physical pain and mental exhaustion. Tired of being all alone. Tired of being so famished that I fear death if I do not eat soon. It is worth the risk if the man calling out is just a perverse trick. I try to answer back to him. It initially comes out what feels like a croak roughly scraping my throat, but sounds like less than a whisper. I try again, this time there is not even a whisper. I try a third time.
“I am...here…”
Getting out those three words took the energy I use to use running a marathon, which seems like something that happened in another life now. I am completely spent saying those three words. I will either die here overlooked and forgotten, finally taken by those that have been hunting me, or saved by an impossible miracle. It feels like an eternity goes by, listening to the whoosh of the helicoper’s blades. I close my eyes, it takes too much energy to focus. I feel hands suddenly on me. They don’t realize how wounded I am. They don’t realize how much pain their touch causes. My body barely reacts. My soul screams though, just wanting to die and leave this broken body finally behind...and the nightmare that I have been living that broke it behind.
“Sir! Are you ok?...Can you talk?...What is your name?...Can you nod?...Can you blink?”
I blink...just once. It is all I have left. I just want to sleep, or die. I want whatever ending that the current exhaustion that is flooding my senses is reaching for.
“He is alive! Bring the board! He is very banged up.”
I laugh on the inside. “Banged up” is the understatement of the century. My dark-seeded mirth burns up the last of my reserves. I feel everything go black right before I feel like I am floating. I am not sure if I finally died or if the man and his group lifted me off the ground. The last fleeting thought I have is wondering how much of my blood I was leaving behind there and if I ever want to wake back up.
~~~
I jerk awake and instantly regret it. Pain fills my senses and forces me to collapse back to whatever surface I am resting on, although I am certain it is not the rocky ground any longer, even if my sore back wishes it was. The room is bright, my vision is blurry and my head feel fuzzy. I have enough awareness that I am in a hospital room, connected to a few IVs. I had a sense of hunger, but not the nightmare hunger I seemed to wake from.
“Relax. You are ok now. You are safe,” a soft voice tells me, matching her even softer touch trying to calm me, like one would calm a frightened animal. Honestly, it is the nicest human connection I have ever had. It seems like forever since I had any kindness or connection. A feral part of my psyche though is not sure yet how safe I am. I cannot recall the last time I felt safe.
“Where am I? Who are you?” the words left my lips coarsely, they felt dry, brittle, and ancient as if they would crumple at the slightest breeze. “Can I have some water?”
I instantly feel a glass ever so gently pressed against my lips. I sip and the water is the sweetest thing. I want more. “Not too much now. You’re body is still recovering. You’ve been through a lot. You are in Trinity Memorial Hospital. I’m one of your nurses, Janine. Do you know who you are?”
I have to think about it for a moment. It seems like forever since I’ve thought of my name. Seems like even longer since someone asked me for it. Something about the softness of her voice stirred a nearly forgotten memory though.
“David. My name is David Charters.”
“It is nice to finally know your name Mr. Charters. We can stop thinking of you as John Doe now.”
“David, please. Mr. Charters is my father.” My stomach rumbles suddenly, reminding me of a nightmare of starvation. “Can I...have something to eat?”
“I’ll talk to the doctors about seeing if we can get you something to eat. It is a good sign that you want to eat, David. But...you have been through a lot. You were almost dead before you were brought to us. It will probably just be a broth initially.”
“Is any of my family here?”
“No. David, we didn’t know who you were until just now. I would be happy to call someone for you.”
I cannot think of names, I can just see faces. My parents, my brother, my best friend, my fiancee. I can see her smile, but what is her bloody name. Paula? Penny? Patricia? Trisha!
“Trisha! She is my fiancee.”
“What is her number, David?”
“I...can’t remember.”
“Ok...that is ok...what is her last name? Where are you from?”
I think. I can see her. I can recall dancing and laughing and eating with her. Her last name is on the tip of my tongue. Then, I remember her crying and screaming, and me screaming for her to run, to run away before feeling pain. I don’t want to remember the pain.
“I...can’t remember,” I start to weep, wondering if she was with me when I was in whatever hell I got saved from.
“It is ok, David. We have your name, we will try to find some of your loved ones. I’ll go get the doctor to see if we can get you something to eat.”
I almost don’t care about food anymore. I keep trying to reach for Trisha’s last name and my mind keeps on snapping a trap of pain in response, making me mentally run from the memory. I fall asleep hearing Trisha’s scream.
~~~
I slurp down the last of the broth. It is literally the best thing I have ever eaten, even though my stomach is already rebelling for me drinking it too quickly. My memory though tickles another meal that was vast to the point of gluttony. A meal that was meant to be consumed as much for the pleasure of food and drink as for sustaining one’s life. Yet, as my mouth waters at the memory of it, I hear Trisha’s scream in my head again and the memory evaporates like a morning fog. I choke back the bile forming in my throat formed of fear.
“Not so fast, David. You do not want to throw it back up,” Janine warns me. Still, she is smiling softly. Now that my vision has cleared, I can tell she has a face of an angel. She is nothing short of gorgeous. She has been kind, gentle, caring and committed. It seemed like forever since I have known such kindness.
A short, bearded man enters the room and Janine gently squeezes my shoulder. “I’ll check in on you in a while, David. This is Dr. Mansfeld. Remember, just buzz your buzzer if you need anything at all.”
I watch Janine leave and I force down the panic of being left with this stranger.
“So David,” the bearded man says in an unemotional tone, “Can I call you David? I am Dr. Mansfeld and I just want to talk with you for a bit. Just a friendly, little conversation, ok?”
I am wary of this man instantly. There is only one type of doctor that just wants to have friendly conversations. At best he is here to do a psych-eval on me. At worst, he is going to try to pry memories free from behind the nightmare I do not want to revisit.
“David is fine, Dr. Mansfeld, but honestly sir, I am not in the mood to talk.”
“That is understandable, David. I will try my best to keep our initial conversation short, ok?”
“I suppose,” knowing that a conversation is going to happen whether I want to have it or not.
“Great. So, you do not remember where you are from? Do you remember anything? A car you drove? The state you grew up in? The colors of your high school or college? What you do for a career?”
A remember a black Escalade and being in Napa with it. I recall red and blue school colors. I recall looking in an open chest and replacing someone’s heart. Seeing the blood triggers a scream and the need to run, to flee. I think it is Trisha’s scream. The memories I just grabbed shatter.
“I...think I was...am a doctor. A surgeon actually.”
“Nothing else?”
“No,” I semi-lied, just as I try to recall the car and the place I saw in my mind moments before.
“Why were you in that forest, alone? Do you recall how you got there?”
I was in a forest? It felt like hell. “I just...remember that it seemed I was there for a long time. I was...chased...endlessly. There was no food...no time to find food. I don’t believe I was alone, but I don’t recall how I got there.”
“Ok. That is ok. Do you recall being found?”
I can still hear the whoop of the helicopter blades.
“Yes.”
“Do you recall how you came to be stabbed and cut?”
I hear the manic laughter as the spear pierces my back, while I scream “Run, Trisha Run!”
“A...spear,” I whisper.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“And you were alone when you were stabbed...with the spear?”
“No,” my throat is tight, my eyes welling up with tears as I recall telling the woman I love to run as I believe that I am going to be killed, “Trish was with me. I was telling her to keep running. Her green cocktail dress was a ruined mess and her bare feet were bloody things.”
“Do you think it is strange that she was in a cocktail dress and you were what I am guessing a tuxedo as you were being chased in a forest by someone wielding a spear?”
My brain was shutting down, just when for the first time in forever, there was a moment of clarity. I loved Trish in that dress. Spinning her around on the dance floor. Falling in love with her all over again as she laughed her shatter glass laugh.
“Honestly, I don’t recall the tuxedo.”
“Well, to be honest David, the clothes that were left on you when we found you were shreds of their former selves. The labels of your shirt and pants and the quality of the fabrics were the only hints of what they once were.”
“What happened to me doctor?”
“That David, is what we will try to figure out. Together. More tomorrow. Try to rest now and not think about it anymore. Sometimes this form of stress-induced amnesia loosens up better on its own. Don’t worry, we will get there. By chance, do you recall Trish’s last name yet?”
I think about it. All I can see is a torn green cocktail dress, her bloody feet, and an earlier memory of her smiling and laughing in it. “No.”
“Well, we still haven’t been able to figure out where you are from or find any relatives yet. But, we will get there. You are starting to recall. Your mind is starting to face the traumas that you’ve suffered. It is a positive step. Try to rest now, David. I will come back tomorrow.”
I watch Dr. Mansfeld leave and try to go back to sleep being as exhausted that I am. Grabbing at sleep comes with fits and starts though and a memory of Trish screaming as she looks at me the last time while I got stabbed in the back and then finally flees on bare feet covered in blood.
~~~
I am sitting up as Janine is sponging down my back. The look on her face today is not nearly as pained as it has been. The scars and bruises must not be as hideous today. As far as I can tell, I have been here a bit over two weeks. I have made little progress with Dr. Mansfeld in that time, but my strength is slowly returning and every meal has been divine than the previous one. Janine teases me on that fact, because it is just crappy hospital food, but to me, it is so much more.
“Are you ready for today? Are you sure you want to go through it?” Janine asks, with deep concern written on her face.
“Yes, I am tired of not remembering and finally feeling strong enough to face whatever it is I don’t want to remember.”
“Just be careful, ok. And it is ok to change your mind.” With that she kisses me on the cheek and lingers there for longer than a moment, before helping me back into a hospital gown. She gives me a look that was impossible to read before walking out the door. Janine has been my rock and I realize if it wasn’t for her warmth and kindness, I would still be more of a broken mess than I currently am. A different time, I might have gotten the courage to ask if she wanted to have lunch in the cafeteria, to see if there was something more to pursue with her. But, I was engaged to a girl that I barely could remember. And if God was kind, Trish was still alive out there somewhere wondering if I was.
Dr. Mansfeld enters the room a moment later, his emotionless face asking, “So David, are you ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be I suppose.”
“Good. Once you are under, you will hear my voice, but you will be elsewhere in your mind. Let my voice try to guide you to what you want to find. Ok?”
I do not recall what he said to put me under hypnosis, only that I suddenly felt like I was not in my hospital room any longer.
David, you are dressed up again and Trisha is in her green dress and she is wearing matching heels. You both look immaculate and happy. Where are you?
“We are at the door of some mansion, being invited in. Trish is beaming. She looks utterly excited. Our friends John and Holly are in front of us.”
You have never mentioned John and Holly before. What is their last name?
“Matthews. They had this special invitation to this dinner and invited us to join them.”
Good. Whose mansion was it?
“I do not recall. John and Holly never really said.”
Ok. What happened once you entered?
“It was a party unlike anything I have ever experienced. I felt underdressed compared to most of the people there. We drank, we danced, we feasted. It was literally the first time I ever had a seven course meal before. The food was amazing. The best I ever had. A squash soup flavored with saffron, a seafood pate I can only guess at but could have easily just had that and nothing else. A filet that made me sad that I had never been able to make anything half as good.”
So you like to cook?
“Yes”
What did you have for dessert?
“I...dessert never came. The lights suddenly went off during the entree. Some emergency exit lights came on. As time went by, the murmurs of everyone there became more anxious. People started to get up and head for the exit.”
What did you do?
“I wanted to wait it out. I assumed our host would have mentioned something. Trish, John, and Holly wanted to get outside though.”
Did you leave then?
“I was out numbered. So we got up and followed the others heading toward the exit. We were some of the last ones.”
And you got outside?
“Not at first, the exit lead to a long, narrow hallway. Trish was panicking because she hates being confined in anyway. But, we could see a light at the end of the hallway.
And then you were outside?
“Finally, after an eternity of Trisha panicking. As I was trying to calm her down once we were outside, I heard the doors shut and be locked from the other side. Then a voice called out, ‘Now you will all run for as long as you can, like the swine you are.’”
What voice?
“I...don’t know. Only that everything went crazy after that moment. There were the snap of whips and the prodding of spears wielded by savage-dressed people. They were too...polished...to be true savages though. Initially thought it was some act or something, until people were actually getting whipped and stabbed. Some of us then tried to fight them off initially. Some panicked and started to run down the hill. Those that were fighting were outnumbered greatly though. I fought at first until I claimed a spear then told Trisha and my friends to run. Then the savages chased us.
How long did you run?
“For days. To the point I lost count. Running, hiding, keeping Trish and Holly safe. John was overrun the second day. He bought us time. I cannot recall how many days we went without eating. I recall trying to find food during the nights...No matter which direction we went though, the wilderness seemed to never end. After the third day the only other people we saw again were the savages. Never the other guests.”
How long was it before you got separated from Trisha?
“Days still. We woke one day and Holly was gone. We looked for her for a time, but Trish was having a hard time walking. She had a resigned look to her. She was starting to give up on hope. It was hard to keep her hopeful. We hadn’t seen any of the so-called-savages for days though. We left a cave we were shuttering in. We heard the hoot of savages a few hours later. Minutes after they were upon us. I was stabbed and Trish ran.”
This is important David, what happened after?
“I fell to the ground in pain. I felt kicks and and my back hit with both ends of the spears. Then I heard Trish scream and the savages laugh. Then nothing.”
Was that when you were found?
“No. I woke. I was alone. Left for dead I suppose. I wandered for a while after. I do not know how long. I recall seeing a near full moon that night. Recall the night feeling cold. Days seem to go by because the last night I recall seeing a moon that was a waning into a crescent. Perhaps I was found the next day or the day after.”
When I next say your name, you will wake. Are you ready David?
Suddenly, it is as if a dream cleared. I could see Dr. Mansfeld again for a moment. He asks me a question, but I cannot answer him as I sob uncontrollably. I remember every nuance of the nightmare that was my life after entering that mansion. I recall every moment with Trisha Kowalski and wondering if I will ever see her again and if I do, would she ever forgive me for not being able to protect her well enough.
“Kowalski. Trisha’s last name is Kowalski…” There is more I want to say, but the words can’t overcome the choking sobs.
~~~
I am eating a ham sandwich when Janine enters my room. She looks sad or concerned.
“David. There is a man outside claiming to know you. Are you up to meeting him?”
There was something in her voice. I hint behind the words. She wanted me to say no for some reason. Her vibe reminded me of my old golden retriever, Molly, when Molly didn’t like someone.
“Well, I suppose I should see him then.” I was antsy and was willing to see anyone that knew me at this point.
She nods and gives me a look. A look knowing how I was going to answer yet wishing I didn’t. She squeezes my hand before she leaves. A moment later, a man I have never met walks into the room.
“Hello Mr. Charters. It seems you have been well taken care of. Do you remember me?” The man places a laptop on my table and opens it. I look at him trying to recall if I have ever met this man. I shake my head no. “Just as well. I belong to the...society that was hosting the party you were at. I was at the mansion that night. I am hear to fill in some...gaps...and to answer questions that I am allowed to answer. After, you will either believe your friend John was a good friend or a very, very, bad one.”
I am shocked at his almost flippant candor. I struggle to even respond to that, when the man starts a video on the laptop. The camera is on a disheveled John. A man’s voice starts. John obviously doesn’t realize he is being recorded.
“I am sorry to tell you John, your membership was denied. We are looking for someone…”
“No, you have to let us in. Holly believes we have already been…”
“I am sorry, Mr. Matthews. We only take certain, unique, individuals. You do not qualify…”
“I will do anything. Give me another chance...anything?”
“Anything? Would you bring your two of your closest friends to a gathering? Would you let them experience whatever we decided to do without giving them any hints beforehand? If you were willing to do this, we might reconsider…”
The video goes black and the man pauses it. “Do you want to see more, Mr. Charters or is that enough?”
I have a fury pounding in counter to my heart. John did this to me, to us. “Just tell me, is Trish alive?”
The man wears a pondering look before he responds, “If you want to know the answer, you will need to keep watching. Should I continue it?”
“Won’t I eventually find out if I don’t continue watching?” I feel defiant and angry. I didn’t like this man. I didn’t like being toyed with.
“Perhaps Mr. Charters. How long are you willing to wait to learn of the answer?”
“I don’t like games. I hate being toyed with.”
“All of life is a game, Mr. Charters. There is always someone trying to use us as their own pieces for their own devices. It is up to us to decide when to stop being a piece and instead become a player.”
I weigh what he just said in my head. More, I weigh what has been left unsaid. There was a test to his words. Almost a hint of sympathy; a kindness lurking there right on the edge.
I steel my will because I know the rest is probably going to be worse, and motion to the man to continue the video.
The next scene is at night, with a night-vision look. John is in the shot again, this time fully aware he is being filmed. It is sometime after everyone left the mansion.
“So Mr. Matthews, how is your wife and friends fairing?”
“Not well. Holly…”
“Holly’s membership has been approved, as long as she tells your friends nothing. It is up to you to remind her what is at stake.”
“And me? What about my membership?”
“You will need to play the next scene well. Unfortunately, it has been decided that you will need to be shot tomorrow when your group gets discovered again. You need to play the hero and convince them to leave you behind. You will bleed, [laughs] well more than you already are. Do this, and you will be granted to join. Your actions the last few days have made up for your earlier...failings. Will you do this?”
John didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“Good. Here, eat this. You will need your strength tomorrow. Once you are done, go back to where you were ‘keeping’ watch. We will shoot you with a tranquilizer. We have already tranqed the other three.”
The screen goes blank. The man gives me a questioning look. More? I nod my head.
“Trish, Trish wake up.”
“John! You are alive. Where is Holly?...David! John is here...”
“Trish, he cannot hear you. He has been tranquilized.”
“What? Why? What is going on? Why do you look...ok now?”
“Trish, listen. There is more going on here that I cannot explain. I need you to do me a favor.”
“I am not doing anything until…David! David! Wake up!”
A different voice that is out of frame talks, “Ms. Kowalski. We are here to help you. You and your fiance have been entered into a contest of sorts. You have an amazing fortitude and because of it, you are about to rewarded. Question is, are you willing to leave David behind, for a time?”
“What? What do you mean? Are you not here to rescue us? John, what is going on?”
“Ms. Kowalski. John, is not at liberty to say. Are you not tired? Are you not hungry? How long do you think you can continue running on your wounded feet. It can all end, if you are willing to help.”
“What about David?”
“David cannot know. The savages that you have not seen for days WILL return tomorrow. David still doesn’t know what is going on. He knows none of it makes sense, but he pushes on regardless. We think mostly because of you. You have to leave him, tomorrow. You have to accept his sacrifice for you, that we believe he will make. You have to run.”
“No. I will not do it. He has suffered so. He needs to know this is an...act.”
“That is your choice. But, this is no act. Most of it has been very real. I will concur, a few parts have been ‘adjusted’, and few have been permanently hurt, but this is very real. We will either overwhelm him and then hunt you for sport the rest of the time you can resist. Or...we can almost overwhelm him and you can get away. My associates are willing to make it worth your while if you run.”
“What does that mean?”
“If you run and leave him behind, we will save you. You will get the best of care. We will then send you to France for a time, because we know you have always wanted to go there. And, you will have 50 million dollars in a bank account in your name to do with as you wish.”
“How can I believe you?”
“Because, you know we have to power to do what I just described. Just think of the mansion, the party, and all you have endured since.”
“Will David ever know? He will never forgive me.”
“If he doesn’t forgive you, you will still have 50 million dollars to figure out a way to live without him? Think of all of the times you can start your life over? Perhaps you should see if he loves you enough to make a life altering decision on his behalf? Or, you can stay, and share in this...hell a bit more. You can tell him it is all a game, but will he believe you? Will he trust you? Will he not take the next savage as seriously only for one of them to still run you through? There is a grand reward for the ‘savage’ that gets the last capture or kill.”
“I just want it to end.” But, I could see her mind ponder the possibility to be free of running and suddenly rich because of it.
The screen fades to black. The man shuts the screen.
“David, we all know how the rest of it played out. Trish is very alive in France. Holly and John are alive and properly rewarded as well. You played a good, long game. You hold the record for a hunt. Now I offer you a choice. You can return to your old life. Rekindle things with Trish, enjoy your shared winnings. Or, if you can never forgive her, you can go your own way, we will financially compensate you for your time. Or, you can join us and have the world opened up in ways you could never imagine. You are special Mr. Charters. Let us show you how much. I’ll give you a moment to ponder your answer. As you do though, consider this? Have you ever felt more alive? Have you ever been more aware of the value of your life? Do you cherish it more now?”
The man takes the laptop and leaves the room. I barely understand what I just witnessed. I cannot believe how angry I am. At John, at the man and his group, at Trish, mostly at myself. I feel like a fool, yet it was so real. All of the wounds were definitely real. The never ending fear of the chase was real. The hunger was very real.
Before I could fully ponder the man’s ending questions, Janine walks into the room. She looks...chagrin. Suddenly, I have a sinking feeling that this woman that has taken care of me over the last few weeks, has been a part of...whatever the hell this is. I thought she was my friend and cared. She was my comfort. She was a constant nice thing in a confusing and frightening time.
“What is your part of this, Janine?” I ask somberly.
“I am your nurse, but I am currently their pawn, just like you. David, do not make the mistake I made.”
“Which was?”
“Wanting my old life back. They gave it to me, when I was in a similar situation as you are now. I got pulled into their game unknowingly yet still won it. I was given a choice so I took my old life. They gave it back, then slowly took it all away. Now...now I am paying penance and I want it to end.”
“When does it end?”
She laughs without humor, “Perhaps it never ends. They offered me an ending if I could find a way to seduce you. I wanted to, but not for them, for me. You were alone and I have been so alone. In the end, I couldn’t.”
“Is Trish truly alive?”
“If he said she is, she is. But…”
“But what?”
“They may not want you to be together unless they found her worthy as well. For me, by the time I got back to my own fiance, they made him very rich and gave him such temptations that...well it was easy for him to reconsider how much he loved me.”
I thought about Trish. I thought about her with more wealth than she could imagine just as her guilt clawed at her. How her beauty, guilt, loneliness, wealth and vulnerability would attract all sort of suitors. She would be a goddess to be won. Would she wait? Especially if some secret society with unending resources was stacking the deck against her. The pit in my gut already told me she was gone, in a worse way than when I thought she might be dead.
“I see.”
“I am so sorry, David. You are a good man. You don’t deserve this. I wish…”
“Stop. You were doing what you felt you needed to do. You did help patch me up. And I would like to believe most of the friendship you gave was genuine. So you have reason to believe if I ask to rejoin Trish, she most likely already moved on. If I just take my old life back, they will slowly take it away and make me pay a ‘penance’. So what do you think is behind door #3?”
“I do not know. When I was offered it, I refused it because of my anger and disgust.”
I look at Janine for a long moment. I soak in her loneliness. It is a real, tangible thing. I soak in her self-loathing. She hates herself. She is trapped and doesn’t believe she has a way out.
“Go through it with me.”
“What?” Janine asked, dumbfounded.
“It seems we both lost our old lives. You seem to want to be done with your penance. You may have not seduced me in the terms they wanted, but you have been a friend and suffered something similar, if I am to believe your story, which oddly enough, I do. Go tell the man, I have my answer please.”
~~~
“He is joining us,” said the man standing outside of David’s room to someone on the other line.
“Did he have any conditions?”
“Only one. That Janine’s penance ends.”
“Did she succeed then?”
“I am not sure. I didn’t listen to their entire conversation. She succeeded in convincing him that his old life is not an option anymore.”
“They might make a great match. Let’s see where it goes.”
“Ok sir. What about Ms. Kowalski.”
“Leave her with her new beaus, for the time being anyway.”
“We gave her a lot of money.”
“We will reclaim it over time. And she will not even realize it being done. Regardless, it was a small price to pay for what we got in David Charters.”
“And the Matthews’?”
“Insignificant. As far as they know, they are on the inside looking out now. They are the type that will never realize how many rungs to us there is. They will be content on the lowest one.”
“So, since Janine’s penance finally is to end, am I to tell her just who she is?”
“No. Not yet. I want to see how Mr. Charters and Janine evolve together in their new lives. Does he think of her as an ally or is he using her?”
“I believe an ally. There is a shrewdness to Mr. Charters though. He joins us without pleasure. Will he enjoy being one of us, or will he bide his time for a moment of revenge? I can see both outcomes.”
“Delightful! Do what you can to keep the two of them together moving forward. We have seen the breadth of the man. Now we will see the depth of the man that David Charters is.”
“I will do my best.”
“As you always do.”