Dear Hipbones,

I want to take a moment to apologize profusely for your permanent bruising (especially the left one) as a result of my clumsy stumbling to the bathroom late at night in the dark. It wasn't my fault that I was born with such long legs so you are the perfect doorknob height for these purely unintended bumps. I suppose it is my fault, however, for keeping in shape so that you protrude absent any fat covering. But that's not going to change.

I suppose I should also extend atonement to my fingertips for my constant nail-biting (especially during football games, particularly those where my Chargers blow a fourth-quarter lead like they have four times already this season) and incessant typing. You little guys are tough, indeed. Keep up the good work!

Love,

Me