Saving Myself
My alternate universe self got laid a lot more than I did. But at night, in the dream space where the barriers separating the realities were less fixed, I caught glimpses of his sexcapades. Every night he slept with a different partner- some beautiful, some plain, some fat, some thin. I grew concerned. Who were these women that he brought home night after night? What about disease?
I had to help him. I read in a comic book that it was possible to run fast enough to alter your vibration so as to be in tune with the frequency of an alternate universe.
I went to the gym. I hopped on a treadmill. I ran as fast as I could. I wanted to stop but I knew that I was the only hope for the alternate me. I ran until I was so exhausted that I slipped and fell. I blacked out.
When I woke on the gym floor, a woman wearing gym shorts and leg warmers was helping me. She smelled good. She was nice.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
I said I was. I thanked her. I realized that I was probably in their alternate universe now. I realized that she was probably one of the women that my alternate self would take to bed. I decided to play along. I decided to act like my alternate self. I was more confident. I didn't talk as much.
“Yes,” I said. “Thanks to you. What is your name?”
“Rose.”
“That's beautiful.”
“Thank you,” she said.
“Rose, can I take you to dinner?”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“He's a lucky man, Rose-- I hope he treats you like a queen. Because that's how I would treat you, Rose.”
“You're bleeding,” she said.
She was right. I had hit my head. Rose took me to the emergency room but didn't wait around with me for the doctor. Already I felt a new lightness knowing that things were different here. And I had saved myself from a potentially dangerous sex encounter with this gym woman; exotic name or not, a lot of nasty germs live in gymnasiums.
As I was checking out, I discovered that this alternate reality took my insurance card. I got a cab. They took my money too! And when I stumbled up to the alternate reality apartment, I was surprised to find my key worked in that door’s lock.
Once inside the apartment of the alternate me, I cautiously entered, expecting my doppleganger to be there. But the apartment was empty and I collapsed in my double’s bed, exhausted. I dreamed. I had a shocking realization that woke me immediately. Sitting straight up in bed, I shook with wild comprehension.
It was all too clear: my double had sensed my trespass into his sphere and had simultaneously entered into my world—his alternate universe. And while there he sought to usurp my place. With lascivious intent, he entered my life and was determined to sully the straight-laced, chaste, and altogether good life that I lived. How cunning and cruel he proved to be—to take my exact plan exactly in reverse! But what else could I expect from someone just like me but altogether opposite? And then I had a second and more profound realization: each night, he must have also seen into my world just as I had seen into his. And surely, he had the same but mirrored reaction to my life and the way I choose to live it. Where I saw carnal licentiousness in his life, he saw something altogether different in mine.
I wondered what, but immediately stopped—realizing that asking that question was exactly what he wanted. To introduce the idea of something else in my pure temple of a mind would only encourage it to grow. And fester. And… stop, I thought! No more! I would not fall into his trap.
I must abandon this mission of mine and return to my reality. I immediately left the apartment and headed to the gym. I walked through the doors of the 24 hour health club and presented my membership card. The receptionist expressed some concern at the wound on my head but I was determined and headed straight toward the treadmill.
Now I must note that I was completely aware that this bold move was not without risk. Surely, in his post-coital slumber my double had gazed into my reality and could see my trajectory toward the treadmill. I imagined a half-dressed me, reeking of sexual congress, sprinting toward the fitness center. And so we had a race.
The room was empty so late at night. I mounted the treadmill and burst into a quick trot. If I had learned anything from my last ill-fated inter-dimensional adventure, it was to hold on to the handrails. Too much was counting on this.
As I started to run I knew that my frequency was changing ever so slightly. Soon I would be returning to my dimension. I looked across the dark, empty room and saw my doppelganger running just as fast as I was on an identical treadmill. He mockingly mimicked my stunned expression and met my pace stride for stride. I gave it everything I had. Surely he had burnt some energy in his last sexual conquest? Energy of which I had untapped reserves.
How long we continued like this I could not say—I looked at the timer on the treadmill: five minutes! My God, I thought, how much longer? I was huffing and puffing. A sidelong glance revealed that he was equally tired. I made a fateful decision to employ some more dastardly means to achieve victory. I reached for a cup left in the drink-holder. I grabbed it and, as hard as I could, I hurled it at him. It bounced across the glass leaving a dark liquid spill on the mirror. I smiled knowing this must have slowed him down. But this victory was short-lived.
"Sir, you are not using the gym equipment properly,” the receptionist said. She marched over and pressed a large red button. The treadmill immediately began to slow down and so too my hopes.
I pushed past to get back on the treadmill but she grabbed me. She was very strong (she clearly took advantage of her employee membership). She hurried me toward the lobby and outside.
I gazed at the city lights. Surely my double had won our race through the dimensions. But which reality did he choose? Mine? Or his own?
I started to walk toward my/his apartment. And then I saw me -- standing up the street staring right back.
"Nice race," I said.
"Thanks. I guess you won."
"Let me get you a drink."
There was a bar up the street I was known to frequent. My double ordered us drinks and we sat in a booth opposite each other.
"So-- do we have a problem? I mean, do I need to get a restraining order?" he asked.
"I won't be able to come within 100 feet of myself!" I said, cracking myself up. We laughed for a good minute and that seemed to break the ice. He scanned the bar like a hungry shark. There were a few other people drinking and a cute bartender.
“Look—every night I go to bed and I have dreams,” he said. “Dreams of sitting in my apartment alone. Reading comic books. Watching bad TV.”
I bristled a bit. He reached into his wallet and pulled out a condom and put it on the table.
“There you go, tiger. Problem solved.”
I looked at it.
“Now—go order a drink from that bartender. Chat her up.”
I stared at him.
“Really. I look at you, I see myself-- but pure and clean and totally sad. Now, my life is not perfect. I am completely alone. I probably always will be. I don’t know the answer for me. But I think I know what you need. Get up there.”
I walked to the bar. The bartender walked over.
“Do you come here often?” I asked.
“Yeah, every night for about eight hours,” she said.
This was going better than I hoped.
“What can I get you?”
“The same as before. And one for my friend over there.”
“There’s nobody there.”
“Okay, one then.”
She went to make a drink for me. I looked back at the booth. Empty. I reached inside my pocket and felt the condom. It was exciting and scary. Like holding a loaded gun.
If comic books had taught me anything about alternate dimensions it was that once you interfered with one you actually created a new one. So if you were from Earth-one and went to Earth-two, then you created Earth-three -- a whole other reality. As I thought about it, I realized that might be time-travel. But I don’t think it really mattered because who knows what was possible?