Heartbreak: Ambitious Darkness
Expectations kill. Someone you thought’d stay, leaves in a flash like you never meant anything to them. Let alone intimate relationships, non-romantic partners can devastate you just as horribly. Seeing your insecurities about loosing someone turn into a reality and not being able to do something about it acts as poison.
The worst part comes when you want to scream your heart out and cry, but can not. There’s no one to listen, because you never needed anyone else to open up to until now. The helplessness, the guilt, the frustration scorch your insides and you have to put up a smile in front of others. Why? Why have to let all of it kill you alone and not let it out. Half of the people around you either don’t care about the battles that you’re fighuting and the rest are glad that you have to. You stop living and merely exist.
You are afraid to love again. Afraid of the tenderness and concern your friends and family have to offer. Afraid of anything that has even the slightest aura of the feelings that you had with the person who ditched you. Your soul desperately in need of warmth builds around itself, a cocoon of fake self-content and satisfaction to show to the world. Although genuine people are rare to find, the thought of getting stabbed with betrayal rules out the possibility of you turning towards them to find solace. The colours seem to fade away from the world. Food tastes bland. You start wearing dull and darker colours. Depression becomes your best-friend. It hits you hard when you’re midway through a laugh with the people you pretend to be okay in front of, and leaves you dumbfounded, wondering about what did you do wrong.
They say time heals. No! Time just helps you calm down momentarily have a glimpse of the happier side of existence to bring back to you the same pain, all the heartache, the depression, the sleepless nights and the days when you don’t want to live anymore. You want to jump off a building or cut yourself because its easier than being strangled by your own feelings day and night. You start to attach you emotions to things instead of people, knowing these lifeless bodies won’t turn their back on you, unlike people who did.
You finally find someone to share, to cry on their shoulder and let all the agony that’s been burning you all along, out. It starts to feel better and life seems to be getting back on track. You find out things that both of you enjoy doing and do them together. You start to live life again. But once again, you find yourself standing at the gallows of flashbacks from your past. The very things you sought solace in, become another reason of your endless suffering. The present doesn’t feel right. You realise you’re making yourself vulnerable again to all the pain and torture that devastated you. It’s terrifying how only a single memory can break you back into pieces when you haven’t even finished healing. The scars start burning once again. You become lost, and once again turn towards isolation to find your own self.
The world is a really cruel place to be in. The only thing that life offers are infinite amounts of suffering, over and over again, at times when you least expect it.