A New Hobby

It was Friday night and I had turned way too much water into wine. Inebriated and bored out of my mind, I had decided it was time for me to pick up a new hobby. My current hobby was becoming too redundant and mundane –walking on water lost its excitement with no one there to witness it.

That's it! I knew right then what my new hobby would be. I could create a group of followers to astonish with my water-walking skills!

Walking to the nearest moistened soil, I was giddy. I couldn't wait to create the first people to become my followers. Scooping up the soil, damp from stagnant water leaching from the nearby cesspool (don't ask, I was high when I created dry land and water, and I hadn't gotten around to fixing that little error yet) I began to mold the foul-smelling muck into a man-shaped form. I'll admit it was a sloppy job, but considering my wine-induced double vision is the reason Adam had two feet to stand on, I think we can look past the sloppiness.

I decided on the name Adam, which most of you already know, but what most don't know is, his last name is Miracle. A-Dam-Miracle. Haha!

Man I was drunk.

Anyways, I realized if I made a woman to pair with Adam, they could procreate my followers for me, and I could begin a new hobby –sword swallowing always intrigued me.

Ripping out a rib from Adam seemed an appropriate way to create his counterpart. I’m not sure why, but I'm pretty sure I was thinking about the barbecue ribs I had for supper the night before.

Eh, either way, Eve never asked me why I chose his rib, so thank fuck for that!

Eve is actually just a nickname I gave her. Her real names Even. Even Steven. Wine brings out a sick sense of humor –don’t judge me.

When I had realized that Adam and Eve were not procreating my followers for me, I attempted to “set the mood” by creating the moon and the stars to pepper the heavens in romantic lighting. But to accomplish this, I had to make the sun go away for part of the day, so the moon and stars could shine brighter. Aha! Dark and light!

The first night that the moon and stars came out, procreation began and it wasn't long before I had myself quite the audience. Everyone bowed to my water-walking skills, and I couldn't be happier than when I'd hear the “oohs” and “ahhs” of the crowd.

Before long, I became bored again, and quite frankly, Adam was getting on my nerves. Eve too. Adam couldn't stop begging to eat the stupid fruit I marked as inedible (Should've stuck to wine that night, whiskey makes me a bit of a control freak) and Eve apparently wanted to procreate with me, which I wanted no part of. I mean, wasn't that the purpose of creating them both? So I wouldn't have to put in the work?

Fretting over the current frustrations of my creations, I decided I would create something to eliminate them from the beautiful Earth I had made.

I'd need to lubricate my thinking wheels with some rum and Coke before stumbling upon a solution.

Yes! That's it! Flying animals to swoop down and carry these ignorant assholes away! So I took a long, hard swig of rum, straight from the bottle, and spat it into the air. Before my very eyes, an eagle had formed; such a big, strong looking creature. I instructed it to find the people, grip them with its talons, and carry them off as far away from me as possible.

The eagle flew the opposite direction, so I continued spitting rum in the air, making an entire fleet of all different species of winged animals. None of them heeded my instructions.

Pissed off and hungover the following morning, I was burning with the need for revenge. The winged creatures failed me terribly. I had to eradicate them, too.

I know! I'll make land animals, big ass wild cats, alligators, grizzly bears; oh the plethora of predators I had planned!

I had made two of everything and just finished the last pair of elephants, when one of the grizzly bears released a ferocious attack on me, nearly mauling me to death. Frankly, I'll admit it ok, that bear kicked my ass! I needed a vacation, but what I ended up with was one day of rest.

One. Fucking. Day?

Eh, it's all good I suppose. I created the food chain to get even with every species of the animal kingdom; my Friday night hobby is tuning into shows like “When Nature Attacks” and “Predators of the Wild” –unless it involves bears.

I don't need to get even with the people, they do enough damage to each other without me lifting a finger.

Hahaha! Ignorant shitheads.