Pinks and Yellows
I stood in the toy aisle at Target. I was looking for a present for my niece. Her ninth birthday was soon and she just loves The Avengers. She's my favorite, but don't tell anyone! She's such a special, beautiful little human. Whenever there's a family gathering, she and I will sit by the toys, most of them action figures (at least when she's involved). We play for so long, and although I usually fall asleep with her clipping pink bows into my beard by the end, I like her company a lot. On Thanksgivings, she'll make such an adorable fuss that I usually end up sitting at the kid's table by her. I like all of my little nieces and nephews, and we have a lot of fun together. More often than not, my wife will glance over to me during those Thanksgivings only to see me engaged in a spitball contest with the boys, or a food-art contest with one of the girls. Sometimes she'll abandon the adult table and come kneel by me. She'll give me the sweetest smile before kissing my neck and coaxing me to come sit back by her, but only after she's gotten involved in a few no-laughing contests and at least one small food fight. She's a beautiful woman. She's definitely not as silly as me, but for some reason she tolerates, almost embraces, my childishness. She thinks I'm cute; I think she's amazing. Well, she thinks I'm amazing too.
Anyway, I stood in the toy aisle at Target. I couldn't decide between a Lego set of the SHEILD hellicarrier or a Captain America shield. My niece already had all of the action figures and I wanted to give her something special. Undecided, I walked over into the girly section. I noticed a big, fluffy stuffed animal that looked like a miniature flamingo. I remembered that she'd told me once that she'd wanted to fly a flamingo into space and eat cheeseburgers with Jesus. She's the funniest little girl! So random! I laughed pretty loudly thinking of the story, and the mother standing near me gave me a look. However, when I smiled at her she smiled back, so I was happy. I snickered excitedly as I placed the flamingo under my arm. I also grabbed the Captain America shield.
After I had checked out, I walked over to where my wife had been returning some gifts from relatives. I didn't see her though. I glanced back and forth a few times, and then checked my phone. A message from her read:
I couldn't bring myself to return them...
Then, a moment later, another text:
I tried handing them back... I really did... but I couldn't help but cry... I just kept crying... I couldn't do it. I'm so sorry. I hate myself
I bit my bottom lip slowly, my stomach churning. I had immediately lost my smile. I felt sick. Questioning why I'd dared to be happy, I asked:
Where are you? I'm sorry...
After a minute, she responded:
In the bathroom... just walk out to the car. I'll be there soon. I love you.
My heart was barely working. I felt completely drained. However, I typed quickly:
I love you too. So much. It's going to be okay. It is.
I didn't get a text back so I jogged out of the Target and found our car. She wasn't there yet so I sat on the grass by the curb and tried to pray for her, for me. I probably looked like I was having a breakdown. I probably was, to a certain extent. My eyes squeezed shut from stress and sadness, I didn't noticed that she was beside me until her head was resting on my shoulder and her arms were around my stomach.
I pressed my cheek to hers as gently as possible, my hand rubbing her neck as I tried to think of how to console her. I placed my hand on her stomach and she immediately jerked away, trying to stand up. I reacted quickly, grabbing her hand a bit harshly. She looked down at me and tried to smile, not fighting my grasp, but her eyes were welling with tears. She had dropped the bag full of the baby clothes she'd tried to return. There was a lot of pink and yellow and other bright, girly colors. It had made us laugh before, but the sight of those colors made us miserable now. Not only the clothes made our insides ache, but seeing the toys we still owned, the blankets, and especially the crib that was still in our room.
She tried to stop herself from crying. Hiding her eyes with her free hand, mascara dripping down her cheeks, my wife sniffed defiantly and mumbled almost inaudibly, "This is stupid. I shouldn't be making such a big deal out of it... it happens every day. Why am I being so selfish?"
I stood to my feet, gently bringing her up with me. Holding her tightly, I whispered, "Everything happens almost everyday... that doesn't mean nothing is ever a big deal... that this isn't a big deal. It is. You don't need to feel guilty for being sad... I'm sad too. I'm sorry."
She frowned. I couldn't see, but I could just feel it. "I feel so dumb. It's so humiliating... I just feel bad. I failed you. You wanted this so badly."
I held back tears as I tried to say as strongly as possible, "This isn't your fault, okay? I'm so sorry it happened, but it's going to be okay... it happens. You did not fail. I am not mad at you. At all. Sometimes things just don't work out. Maybe God has other plans. But you did nothing wrong... there was nothing you could have done. It's okay. I love you."
She looked up into my eyes. Hers were so sad. Just barely touching my cheek with her hand, she murmured, "We will have children. I promise. I'm not giving up... I-"
I stopped her. With an angrier, harder tone than I'd wanted to use, I argued, "You don't have to promise me anything... don't worry-"
She interrupted me. "No... I do. This isn't the end." She kissed my lips gently, comfortably, and took the car keys from my coat without me noticing. Smiling bravely, she joked in a depressed, but hopeful way, "Let's keep the clothes... for next time. For her little sister."
Trying to be strong for her, I smiled, tenderly, sadly. Picking up the spilled pinks and yellows, I placed them into the Target bag with my niece's flamingo and Captain America shield and followed my wife to our car.