Sincerely, Mady. Chapter 19: L.O.V.E
(This is from my first book ever written. I'm editing slowly, so this chapter may have typos. Sorry in advance!)
"It's so ironic
How I look at you
Hoping you will look back at me.
But when our eyes meet
I look away
Because I don't want you to
see how much I need you."
I have never known the author of this quote. I only pulled it off a Facebook page when it appeared in a post, and it represented how I feel with Jack sometimes.
Now I stand here in front of my bathroom mirror at 7:00 p.m. to be exact, dressed casually and terrified. I had my hair straightened and pinned into a half up-half down style, with a loose dress and flats. My make up was pretty simple: mascara, foundation, winged eye-liner and a touch up on my eyebrows. "Okay." I sigh at myself. "Jack, I love you. I'm not completely in love with you but I have love for you. I know it doesn't make sense, I never will make sense. But I know that I am slowly and recklessly falling in love with you and I can't stop it." I say practicing my speech into the mirror.
The doorbell rings and I jump at the sound. My stomach turns as fear wells up in my eyes. I can do this. I shake my head and make my way towards the door. I grab my bag, keys and stop by my living room mirror to make a few touch ups. I had already had everything set up at the location: the dinner, candles and whatever else you do to make something romantic.
I place my hand on the doorknob and open it slowly. "Hey." I smile at him.
"Hi," he replies examining me. "You look beautiful." His eyes light up.
"Thank you." I say.
"Where are we going? I need to know cause I'm driving." He grabbed my hand.
"You know that place I showed you a few weeks ago?" He nods. "We're going there."
"Okay," he said. "My lady?"
"Ever the gentlemen." I grab his hand and step out of the doorway.
It's like my physical being reacts to Jack quicker than my mental being. He makes me do things I would possibly never do with anyone else.
We pulled outside of my 'special' place where I had set up a strain of electrical candles earlier. Jack slipped out of the driver seat and walked around the car to open the door for me.
And who said chivalry was dead?
His hand slipped into mine, resting almost perfectly against each other. I squeezed it and he squeezed my hand back.
"Let's go," I murmured. I stumbled out of the passenger seat and fixed my dress. "Curse this thing."
"It looks good on you though," he whispered in my ear.
"Thank you." I kissed his cheek. "Let's go inside."
"Are you going to show me that special closet?" He asked.
I froze instantly, "Yes. Later though."
"Okay," he said. "As you said, let's go inside." I could hear the curiosity in his voice.
Of course I wasn't surprised by the candles or food, because I was the one who planned it all this time.
"Woah." His eyes widened.
"I tried to make it romantic." I sighed.
"It's perfect." He tightened his grip around my hand.
"I hope you like burgers." I sighed. "Because that's what we're eating."
"I'm a vegetarian," he frowned. My face moved into a worried expression. "I'm kidding. I love burgers."
"So funny." I chuckled.
"Shall we eat?"
"Yes we shall." I said motioning him over to the food.
I ate the last piece of my burger, which Jack finished his a few minutes before.
"Here." He said licking his thumb. "You have some on the corner of your mouth." He rubbed it off slowly.
I looked him into the eyes and smiled. "Thank you." I breathed.
"So what's in the closet?" He asked.
"What I went through in my childhood. From what I can remember to until I was 14." I sighed. "My dad was abusive, a drug addict and did things. Then one day, I came home and found him dead. He overdosed on heroin." I almost cried. I remember the day very well and everything before that. He would hit my mom right in front of me, call her names and leave bruises on her. I tried to stick up for her, but he would hit me too and tell me to stop before he kills me. To stay out of it. When I found him dead, alone, before my mom walked inside I started to cry. Half of my tears out of happiness, yet half out of sadness.
"I've never told anyone else this before, besides Sarah, and that's not everything. I was also bullied for my appearance and how I carried myself. So one day a few girls called me names and slammed me into the lockers a few times." I whipped the tears from my eyes. One of the girls called me fat, while another would punch me. Then it was the other girls turn to call me a name and slam me into a locker. There were three of them: Marie, Florence and Farrah. They were the most popular girls in school and found it joy to make my life hell. And after that incident I just snapped.
"See I'm not looking for sympathy or attention, I'm being honest with you." A sad look appeared on his face. "I went home and downed a few antidepressants and for the last time cut my wrist. I barely survived and I was hospitalized for a few weeks. I didn't even tell Damen this part of me." I cried. Now this was when I went off the deep end. I remember shutting my bedroom door and walking over to my dresser. I picked up the prescription bottle that had my name labeled on it and had only five left. I struggled to open the cap, but when I did I ran to my bathroom. Turned on the sink and popped the pills: one by one. I get relieved in that moment, that I would finally leave this place. Worried it wouldn't be enough, I broke a razor and took one of the blades out. Tears poured down my face in happiness as I took the blade and cut straight up my wrist. I remember my mom running in and calling 911 before everything went blank.
"This was before my dad died, so he would come into the hospital room and hit me, call me worthless, attention seeker, weirdo. When I came home from the hospital is when I found him. I sort of me was sad, but a part of me felt relieved, because my mom and I could move on." I started crying even harder. My dad would come into the hospital room while everyone else was clearly busy and tighten his hand around my throat and yell, 'so worried your mommy would forget you had to go a seek attention?' then he would call me a few names and let go. My eyes welled up with tears in fear and all he did was laugh. You could smell the alcohol on his breath. It was horrible, disgusting and I wanted him out of my life. He didn't care about us at all. I didn't even cry at his funeral, I eternally smiled at a lot weight had lifted off my chest. "That's what the little scars on my arms are from." I pulled out my arms rubbing over the tiny scars that reminded me of sow thing I regret doing.
He wrapped his arms around me as my eyes kept luring out tears. "I love you." He said. "That doesn't change how I feel about you. It makes me love you more." He placed a hand on my cheek. "Listen: I'd always still choose you; in a hundred lifetimes and in another world, I'd find you and I'd choose you." Holy freaking shit.
I almost cry, "Come, I'm going to show you the closet." I said pulling him behind me.
I pulled a key out of my purse pocket and unlocked it. I opened the door slowly and it revealed my poems, pictures, newspapers, journals, drawing and everything. In the back of the closet lied the only book I had ever written.
"I'm writing a book about my life. You will eventually be in it." I admitted.
"You're so strong and amazing," he whispered running his fingers along the papers on the walls. Poems I wrote during my depression and after-- everything. "You write so beautifully."
"Thank you," I say lowering my head. The pictures in the room started giving me flashback of everything that happened. I kept shaking my head and pulling on my hair.
"Are you okay?" Jack asked.
"I'm okay." I smiled at him. "Jack I would like to tell you something," here it goes. "I love you. It's complicating, I feel love for you I'm just not in love with you." I wanted to tell him quickly, just to spit it out before I could stop myself.
"I don't care." He walked towards me. "You love me in some way, that's good enough. I love you too."
I jump into his arms and start sobbing. For the first time in my life someone understands me like I have always wanted. "Kiss me." I say. In one swift motion his lips are on mine and my legs are wrapped around his waist. He walks over to the couch, sits down and I straddle his lap. I run my fingers through his hair and mound myself against him; pressing down.
I never felt this with Damen, I was never this comfortable. He takes his mouth and kisses my cheek and makes a trail from there to my ear, then my neck. I throw my head back and sigh at the feeling of his mouth on me. He takes his hands and move them down south and grab my rear. I squeal in shock when his grip tightens and he pulls me closer to him. I start to slowly grind against him kissing him roughly, and all I could feel was a powerful, hot sensation at the apex of my thighs.
"Wait," I pull away. "This is really heated and I don't want to go to far." I whisper against his lips.
"I know. I just love kissing you," He says, kissing my cheek a few times.
"But I've never had what you call it before." I whisper embarrassed.
"Sex? I know th-"
"An orgasm." I've never heard myself speak of such.
"Well then that will have to wait too." Jack said. "I don't want to punch you into anything you're not ready for."
"I love you." I smile before pressing my lips against his. "But I think we can go to the long make-out sessions stage in our relationship now." I whisper.
"Really?" He says, laying my back on the couch and climbs on top of me. "Because I've been ready since I laid eyes on you."
"Good." I say pulling him against my mouth. Me and Damen didn't even make out hardly in our relationship because I wasn't comfortable, but with Jack I can do it.
Maybe at some point I can actually give my full self to him. Give every part of me to him as he would do the same for me. I love him, and I can't wait to fall in love with him, and love him harder than anyone I have ever loved.
(Full unedited version of book is on my wattpad under the user: madisondw)