Through the Absence
Shadows. Technically, the absence of light. Metaphorically, something bad or looming. Superstitiously, a spirit or mischievous side of a person. Personally, a way to see people's desires.
I don't mean this figuratively. I mean this quite literally. In people's shadows, I see more than just their figure, blocking light. I see ballerinas and painters, musicians and engineers. I see what people want most in life. Whether they wish to go back to a time of youth or happiness or if they have a dream career - which occurs most often - I see these images in their shadows.
Today, as I walk down the road, I watch the shadows, like always. The brisk autumn morning provides a nice breeze and a satisfying view of red, orange, and golden leaves. Of course, the leaves aren't my main focus.
A small girl walks past. I see the silhouette of an astronaut, and I smile to myself. So many small children want to do more than see the stars; they want to be among them. The thought prompts me to look upward, despite the early morning sun and lack of stars.
What a lovely age to be, what a lovely time it is when you're young. Anything is possible. We aspire to be so many things. We reach for the stars - literally. But in the end, dreams don't always work out.
What was my dream? What is my dream? I have no idea. I see nothing in my shadow. I see only the absence of light. I see no dancers or firemen. I see no farmers or singers. I just see me. And that scares me immensely.
Do I even have a dream? Will I be working at a café forever? Will I never find my desire?
I don't know. And that is the scariest part - the absence of knowledge.
So, I continue walking. A small child - policeman. A teenager - someone holding a sign, but it's a silhouette; I don't know what it says. An elderly woman - the figure of someone very young.
Stray leaves blow across the sidewalk. As people step, the leaves crunch and crumble into little brown pieces which are blown away by the breeze. I watch as the pieces blow by a man, and I look at his shadow. His shadow is much slimmer than he; he wants to lose weight maybe.
I look back to the leaves beneath my feet, and I sigh. Slowly I've begun to feel like I will never find a dream, a desire, anything I want. Did that mean I was happy the way things were? I don't feel happy, but I don't know what would make me happy.
Any person could come to me and I could tell them what they want, but I can't tell myself. Things don't feel correct, but I have no notion as to what could fix it.
I know nothing is there, but still, I glance back at my shadow every once in a while. Maybe one day I will see something. Maybe one day I will know what I want. Maybe one day I will be able to see past that absence of light and see something more.
But for now, I will just keep seeing the shadows of others. I will keep watching other people's dreams.