Know Your Worth

There are so many lessons that life taught me. Some of them I learned from, some of them I still try to defy. With all this talk surrounding Netflix's "13 Reasons Why," I will choose to tell you how life taught me my worth. In "13 Reasons Why," the main character, Hannah Baker chooses to kill herself. I purposely used the word "chooses." Although there was a lot of poor choices being made by the people around her, she still made the ultimate decision. You might feel the same way she did. Did someone treat you bad or harm you? Do you feel lonely? I know at one point in my life I felt like Hannah.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. -1 John 4:4

First, I blamed the people around me. Then I blamed myself. Finally, I pointed a finger at God and told him bitterly that he did this. One night, in my small apartment, I never felt so alone. I moved away from my family and all my friends scattered across the country after high school and college. I was so depressed I had trash everywhere. It was just piled up all through my apartment like a hoarder. The difference was I wasn't attached to the stuff, I was just too depressed, lazy and didn't care. One night, I smoked some weed(which was like the 3rd time ever) and drank a six pack of bud light. Feeling so down I grabbed my Ruger 9mm handgun. I laid in my bed that didn't even have a sheet on it. I sat the gun on my chest. As I laid there reflecting back on my life and how I got to that point I started to cry. I looked out my window and up at the sky. I said "you did this!" I continued and said "Why am I here? Why did you leave me?" Even in the drunk and high state God immediately answered me. A voice came right back in my head, "I didn't leave you, you left me." It was true. I was a good kid until I turned 18 and thought I was untouchable. Fridays and Saturdays were for partying and Sundays I was too hung over to go to church. I totally blocked God out of my life.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. -Deuteronomy 31:6

Here's how it taught me my worth. As I laid there that night and thought, I'm so worthless a voice said, yes you are. That same voice said that's what makes the crucifixion of Christ even more loving and perfect. The son, the only son of God, chose to die for a worthless piece of crap. That's a perfect love. That tells me I have worth. That tells me you have worth. I love that God created Adam from dirt. Yes I am a pile of dirt that Jesus died for.

then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature. -Genesis 2:7

so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. -Titus 3:7

I cried myself to sleep that night. When I woke up the gun was laying beside me in my bed. It was a miracle it didn't go off. I dusted the cigarette ashes off of the cover of my Bible and I tried reading it more. However after that night it didn't just get better. There was still the trash that completely overwhelmed me. I tried to clean it up but it was just too much. I remember sitting on my couch and I watched a couple of mice running across the room. I continued to struggle. One day I was so stressed and fed up I took off in my car to a parking lot just to get out of there. I just needed a break from the smell, the worry and stress. That quick break turned into two very long years of me living out of my car. I continued to pay my rent I just didn't want to go back in there. As for worrying, that's all I did. I was waiting for a phone call from my landlord or police asking "where are you, why is this place such a mess?" It never came though.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. -Psalm 91:1

I worked night shift 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. Which that was good because all I did was bounce from parking lot to parking lot to keep suspicion to a minimum. My nights off of work I'd drive 2 hours north to stay at my parent's house. If I worked another shift this all probably wouldn't have worked out because people would have noticed the one car left in the parking lot at night that has been there for hours. A few times police did come up to me and ask what I was doing and I made up some bogus excuses as to why I was there. I don't know if they believed me or not because my car quickly looked like my apartment and you could tell I was in it a lot. I stopped back at my apartment every week or two just to clean out a mailbox full of mostly junk mail and overdue bills. I had a gym bag full of clothes and toiletries. My shower was that I arrived to work early and found a bathroom to at least quickly wash the important areas of my body. I was doing wash just about every two or three nights. I didn't even mind it because it gave me something to do. I gained so much weight just because I would go to fast food parking lots and buy something to eat. I wouldn't even be hungry. Sometimes I bought it and never ate it. I was so sick of fast food and now I don't even eat McDonald's anymore. I'm convinced they serve straight poison. Not to be humorous because it was so horrible but I felt like a rich homeless guy. However, between food, gas and bills come payday I was broke. It was crazy that no one ever caught on to what I was doing.

At the same time, I had my Bible and a lot of sitting and reading time. I never have smoked weed or drank after that depressing night. I figured it wasn't a good idea to mix depression and different outside chemicals. I would read and pray. I prayed for a way out. Then there was an opening for a first shift position. Knowing I couldn't get away with the way I was living on another shift I immediately put in for the position. I felt this was God giving me a way out. I thought he can provide opportunities but if I don't make a move and take it then how can he help me. When I put in for it I knew I would get it based on seniority. I took it to force myself to change the way I was living.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. -Matthew 7:7

My bosses informed me that I got the spot and it wouldn't be for two weeks until I would switch. I thought that that was great and that it will give me time to go over to my apartment and clean it out. Well, I still dreaded walking in there. I managed to find enough guts to go in. I started to clean. It didn't last long. I just stopped and stared. I thought I can't do this by myself. I went back to my car and found another parking lot. I'll go again tomorrow. Tomorrow became the next day and the next day after that. Before I knew it, it was the day before I switched shifts and I was off so I was at what I called "home home." My cousin had this training for work and it was going to be down where I live. He asked if he could stay at my apartment. When he asked I had every intention of cleaning my apartment so I said sure. I was up late worried because I was going to have to live back in that trash and I got family coming in a couple of days to stay.

casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7

When my mom came home from work that night she was telling me about one of her friends struggles. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't tell her about everything but I told her about the depression and that I almost felt possessed. That might be a little far fetched but not impossible. If I wasn't, then I believe I was being oppressed by forces that certainly weren't earthly or Godly. I remember the silence because I knew if I spoke the knot in my throat would have burst into tears. I'm pretty sure that's what happened anyways. I lost it as I told her about the trash and living in my car. My mom listened and thought of a plan to get me out of the mess I was in. She comforted me with a hug and her words. The next day, my parents and I went to my apartment. I remember not wanting to walk them in there. My mom insisted it was okay and this was the only way which she was right. When I opened the door she again comforted me saying it wasn't as bad as she thought. I don't know if I fully believed her. Not only did we clean up the mess but we cleaned out everything. I decided I was going to live at "home home" and commute. I was making enough money to do that as long as I was willing to drive the long distance.

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. -1 Peter 5:8

So here I am. I drive about an hour and forty five minutes to and from work each day. I get sick of people saying I'm crazy for driving so much. Maybe they would all stop if I told them the truth behind it. Then we all know how that goes. You become "the guy." You become the crazy suicidal guy that everyone talks about. As for the drive, it gives me time to think and pray. If they as me why I do it I just respond with I didn't like living there and alone. Work isn't as bad knowing at the end of the day I get to have that "I'm home" feeling. Yes, I drive a lot but I'm smiling. I get to spend time with my niece and nephew. My niece just celebrated passing kindergarten and what's really crazy is I almost wasn't there to experience it. I remember when I was finishing up recording a song and she was just learning to talk. I had her speak into the microphone.

I said "say something."

"ummm..." as she thought.

"say Jesus loves me,"

"Jesus loves you."

I just laughed and said "close enough!"

"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars,

which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. You made them rulers over the works of your hands;

you put everything under their feet." -Psalm 8:3-6

During the days I was writing this, I received news that a friend of mine had overdosed and passed away. Please pray for her and her family as they deal with this trying time. Thank you. Rest in peace Aimee.