Ode to my lowest
I remember when you fit me, once,
that one day I skipped last period
and drove 105 all the way to the mall,
saw you in the window display
and slipped you on my figure
I remember laughing and laughing
I used to be size six; you were size zero
And now you were the width of my thighs
I remember standing in the mirror
in my sisters business dress
For interview day at school
and thinking I looked good,
My best friend stared at me first period
Said "wow, what the fuck?
I want be as skinny as you."
My smile lasted the rest of the class.
I remember Jeff, the looks at lunch
When my brown paper bag
contained zero calorie air
"You need to fucking eat," he said
But he didn't understand;
I didn't need food to live
I needed the compliments to live,
The envious voices of those around me
I needed to like my reflection
In the white school bathroom walls
I remember changing in the locker room
With the rest of the teammates,
Getting ready for a competition
And I remember how Elena
That girl I wanted to be like
commented on my weight,
And the rest did too,
things like "wish" and "jealous"
And other pretty phases to my ears
Validation never felt so skinny
I remember failing chemistry
Because my concentration was shot
And i was running 18 hours on empty
But a boy on the bus called me beautiful,
Some guy I'd never known before,
And that was enough, for me.
I remember cutting my thighs
with a pencil sharpener blade
Into the words of my next goal weight
I remember parents fighting,
Running seven miles with my dad,
Him telling me "you need to eat,"
I remember my mom finding me
with two fingers down my throat
In the bathroom after dinner, one night
I remember liking how I looked
When I woke up and faced
The mirror each 5am morning.
It's a long time since then,
And I don't like how I read
In the reflection any more
But I don't starve out my life
So I guess the point is moot.