Harry Situation Reviews: The Dark Tower
I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I aim with my eye.
I do not shoot with my hand; he who shoots with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I shoot with my mind.
I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father.
I kill with my heart.
Stephen King's masterpiece series finally gets the big screen adaptation with The Dark Tower, starring Idris Elba as the Gunslinger Roland Deschain and Matthew McConaughey as the elusive and sinister sorcerer Man in Black.
A boy named Jake Chambers from New York seems to be having dreams about another world. They turn out to be clues to another dimension called Mid-World. Upon following the mystery, he is spirited away to Mid-World where he encounters a Gunslinger, Roland Deschain, who is on a quest to reach the "Dark Tower" that resides in End-World. Yet a vicious sorcerer called the Man in Black hot on their trail, and the unlikely duo will find that their quest may be difficult to complete. I've spent my whole summer reading up the series to this moment. I've only gotten through the first three in the series but I feel that I'm prepared. I unfortunately wasn't prepared for this at all. This movie was awful.
Let's get the big issue out of the way. While I haven't read all the Dark Tower books I at least had a good idea what they were about what the general story was, based on the first three. I didn't have a fucking clue what the story for this one was. The bigger problem was that I didn't care because I wasn't invested in the story at all.
Now I know what you're all wondering: is it a decent adaptation of the books? I'm gonna say no. They've seemed to take elements from all of the novels and try to mesh them into some Frankenstein freak of nature. Nothing seemed like it was out of the novels. Even the characters themselves, while the actors do a fine performance, are in no way identical to their book counterparts.
Don't get me wrong, I like Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey. But their characters pale in comparison to the books.
What's worse is that the fact that the movie is just boring. I was sitting in the theater just bored out of my mind. Hell I was so bored I actually had to check my phone only to find out that there was still twenty minutes of the movie left. I rarely do that!
The action was so boring. For a film with his much action I should be thrilled, but all the action sequences lacked any excitement.
I will say one positive thing that got me smiling were the number of easter eggs from other works by Stephen King. There was a brief moment where a mom and son were walking their St. Bernard, a reference to Cujo. There was the remains of a carnival called Pennywise, a reference to Pennywise the Clown from IT. Seeing those did get a chuckle out of me.
Yet that's not enough to save the film. I don't think anything is. This movie has been in production for a decade, and this is the fucking end result we the audience gets. I may be new to this series but I feel like I too have been spat in the face by this fucking movie. Don't waste your time with this. Hell, I couldn't even finish it. The moment the good guy kills the bad guy and saves the kid - oops! Spoilers! Ah who fucking cares?!? Not like there was a surprise ending. If there was I surely didn't stick around for the credits. I was out the door while there was 5 minutes left.
This is seriously one of the most disappointing movies I've seen all year. I mean it don't waste a fucking dollar or minute on this shit!
Go then, there are better movies than these.
Positives: Negatives:
-Fine performances -Incoherent story
-Stephen King easter eggs -Characters unrecognizable
-Lame action
-Incoherent writing
-Disregards the books
-Boring
-10 years wasted
Final Grade: F
Can you believe they want to make a TV series off this too? God, Sony would just turn anything into a profit. It didn't work for them last time with The Emoji Movie!
So there's my review of The Dark Tower. Have you read the books? What were your thoughts on those? I know you haven't seen the movie so I won't bother asking. Please be kind, leave a like and comment, and check back for more reviews in the future.
Best Quote:
Woman's voice: "The Man in Black fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed."
#stephenking #harrysituationreviews #darktower #film #opinion #thismoviesucks