Terrified

Maybe I will see you again. Maybe I will not. Honestly, I can’t discuss my lasts as calmly as I discuss my firsts. Lasts. One last handshake. One last hug. One last goodbye. 

I will probably just make jokes about anything. I will totally be judgemental and tell you how that girl with a hideous blue bag has worn a dress which is a bit too extra, even for her. I will obviously not stop talking once I get started on the things I will be doing when I leave. I will talk about places and food. I will make sure I irritate you in some or the other way. I will avoid you each time to try to get even a little bit emotional. I will skip those sentimental talks which are a constant reminder of the fact that I am leaving. 

When it is time for me to leave, I will make a stupid comment about you, call you ugly or something. I will say that I am the happiest because I am gonna go away from you. I will remind you how I am not gonna miss you at all. And all this time, there will be a broad smile on my face. 

Then, I will go away, without a proper goodbye. No, I will not even turn around once to look at you. Because I am terrified that once I look back, it will be impossible to muster that courage to leave again. Because I am terrified of getting too attached to leave. Maybe I will see you again. Maybe I will not. I am terrified of the ‘maybes’. I am terrified of goodbyes.