Living With Anxiety

For years I have been living with a mental illness I did not know I possessed. For years I have struggled to live as a normal human being because I could never figure out why I felt the way I did. I never knew why I constantly felt exhausted, why I didn’t want to socialize with people, why I didn’t want to do anything but sit in the comforts of my bed, wallowing in self loathing.

Anxiety.

When most people hear the term anxiety, they just think of the word “scared.” They think of people having irrational fears that they should just “get over.” But that isn’t what anxiety is.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had so much trouble just being around large groups of people, talking in front of groups, sleeping, eating, and more. Everyday I wake up worrying about what I am going to look like, how people are going to view me. I spend hours laying in bed at night unable to fall asleep because “god dammit, why didn’t I say this? Why did I do that?” My brain is constantly telling me “you are so stupid, nobody likes you, you’re too ugly” etc.

Anxiety feels like everything and everyone is working against you, including yourself. ESPECIALLY yourself. It is like your whole body has begun to conspire against you while you were unconscious; you wake up unable to move or think straight. Your limbs feel weak, your breathing feels heavy, your head pounds, your heart palpitates, you simply just do not want to move. No, scratch that, you CAN’T move. Some mornings it simply takes a few minutes to arise and begin your day. Others? It can take hours to convince yourself you won’t shatter into a million pieces as soon as your foot hits the floor. It takes hours to regain composure and control over your body in order to face the day.

Anxiety is forcing yourself to appear outwardly happy and in control despite the torrential downpour behind your eyelids or the hurricane of emotions swelling in your chest, rising to your brain. No matter what, you can never let society know you are feeling anything beside 100%.... You may be on the brink of an episode, but you must smile. You must laugh. You must PRETEND.

They mustn’t know.

Anxiety is when you’re sitting in a lunchroom with your friends and all of a sudden your chest caves in, you can’t breathe, your heart races, your limbs begin shaking uncontrollably, your head aches, and all you can do is push around your food, pretending to eat even though you have lost all remnants of an appetite.

Anxiety is like hot wired fire alarms; once one alarm goes off, the entire system is blaring. Once one emotions rises, the rest come tumbling in. For years, you convince yourself you are okay and you don’t need help; you let yourself worsen for fear of being labeled “crazy.” Because that is how anxiety is viewed.

“Crazy.

Over emotional.

Weak.

Fake.

Acting.

Dramatic.”

ANXIETY.

MENTAL ILLNESS.

It is not something I am pretending so I can get attention. I do not WANT attention, but I NEED it. My brain thrives off of feeling accomplished or appreciated, yet no matter how many compliments I get, my brain still crashes and burns, taking my sanity with it. Why would I CHOOSE to live a life unfulfilled and heartbreaking? Why would I choose to constantly live in fear? Why would I choose to hate myself and close everyone out because “I’ll be damned if another person sees me weak”? Anxiety is not a choice. I’ve lived with it hidden for years; I finally got help, and I’ll be damned if I ever go back to the way things were before. I will not succumb to the disease; I will not allow my anxiety to take over and make me feel powerless again. I am not powerless; I am powerful.

So, hi. My name is Bree, and I am living with anxiety.