Bad Roots, Bad Seeds
It’s kinda like rain
The sounds your mother makes
When she pleads for you never to leave her
When she softly screams in your ear
About why you should love her for what she did for you
About why it’s your responsibility to be with her
About how you matter to her more than anything
About how you deserve a mother in your life
About how she’s sorry, despite her not knowing for what
About how I shouldn’t let others make my decisions for me
At first it makes you shiver
The first time you hear your mother beg you for your love
But after awhile, it becomes white noise
You become indifferent
It’s hard to believe at first
The way the woman who gave birth to you’s tears fall
And maybe you notice a foggy window
Or how your hair’s a little frizzy
But it means nothing to you
You take no joy in it
But it doesn’t hurt you like it’s supposed to
It’s just there
Trickling into your ears
Watery and insubstantial
Making no claim on your conscience
Guilt is her weapon
So is fear
And rage
And kindness
And mercy
And ignorance
And trust
And deceit
And curiosity
And faith
She breaks you down with every tool she gave you
Once you realized it, your veins coursed with fury
An indignance too mature for your age
You realize how she kept you and your brothers and sisters in the dark
And she manipulated your father
The more you think about it, the more it seems like she tricked him
The hours he worked, his exhaustion every day
While she “taught” you like she was supposed to
She did whatever she wanted
While you fought and never learned
This was all I could think before I spoke to her that night
My parents never taught my brother to read
They never taught me to tie my shoes
They never cared what I did
I used to torture my siblings for fun
Because I didn’t know what else to do
There was nothing else to do
Alone with them all day
Every single day
Not a single wavering aspect
Never having contact with someone outside of your family
Never even going outside
Not a single one of us having friends
So we tortured each other
We did it out of necessity
It was fun to hurt them
And it was fun to be hurt by them
And it wasn’t playing, either
It was torture
It really was
And my parents didn’t care
My father too tired or too busy
My mother content with the chaos
I did things to my brother I’ll never repeat
And I saw him do things to my sisters that would bring most to tears
Each day was an eternity of suffering born of neglect
And they were all too young to remember
But not me
I remember every single day
What really strikes me looking back is how little my parents cared
I lost my virginity at 9 years old
A fact that haunts me every day
And they couldn’t have cared less
Because she was just fine with her easy little life
Once my father finally caught on, that’s when the pain really set in
When I really realized what was going on
My parents got a divorce
And my siblings and I were finally put back in school
My brother unable to read
My sisters having never interacted with another human being their age
Me having to grow up that instant
I went from not going to school from 1st through 6th grade
Being completely left behind in my education
To having 7th be my first experience in school
And when I went to talk to her
When I finally confronted her
She brushed every last word of my pain off
When my father finally moved out
And we were split finally
I was forced to do everything my mother wouldn’t
I realized what I’d done wrong
I realized what had been wrong
My malice reared its head
I knew she was wrong
Wrong for forcing me to take care of my siblings when she refused
Wrong for never giving me the chance to be normal
Wrong for never giving me the chance to be a kid
Wrong for never teaching me
Wrong for never taking the time to be my mother
And I still loved her
She was my mother after all
So I kept hearing in my head after she picked up the phone
I told about how I didn’t want to any more
And the lines in my forehead deepened
Lines too deep for a twelve year old kid
Her forced sobbing cut me deeper than I’d imagined
Emotions were just tools to her
Means to an end
Just like my father was
Her pride wouldn’t let me go
So she tried all she could
I can barely believe I didn’t surrender to her
It was only recently that I realized how much I hate her
I hate her for what she let me do
I hate her for never changing after these years since that night
I hate my mother
But I also know that she isn’t some villain
Some master manipulator like I thought before
She’s just pathetic and selfish and unaware
Which only makes me hate her even more
Because I see that same stupid face in the mirror every day
And when people ask I always tell them I don’t think about it
But I’m lying
It still dries my eyes out in the middle of the night
Her repulsive little voice still lives in my mind every day
Because I’m just as selfish and pathetic
And rambling about it just shows it:
I just want the attention, don’t I?
I’m just as bad as her
I’m sure that I’ll torture my children just as much
I’m just another batch of spoiled milk
Wasted potential
Just like her
Everything I said is just more white noise
Just more rain trickling in the background