Please Don’t Leave Me

I sat down at the table for two. My heart was racing and my palms were sweating. I sat with my back as straight as I could. My breathing was uneven. Across the table from me sat a beautiful woman. At least I thought she was beautiful. She seemed calm and her eyes penetrated deep into my soul. I didn’t know how that was possible and it kept me off balance. I felt uneasy. I had been waiting to speak with her for a long time but now that she was here, I could hardly bare to look at her. I had questions but I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to know the answers.

She just looked at me. It was like she was studying me. At first her face was like stone but after a few minutes it softened. Then tears started rolling down her face. She was still silent though.

I finally asked the question. “Why did you give me up?” I tried to keep my voice even but I was not successful.

She waited a few minutes before she answered me. “The simple answer is that I was young and stupid.” she replied, “Everybody wanted me to terminate the pregancy” she continued, “but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

I didn’t know how to react to this statement. The woman who gave birth to me was telling me that eveybody wanted her to murder me, but she didn’t do it. She had the legal right to decide if I lived or died and she let me live.

she continued speaking. “Once you were born, I couldn’t take care of you. So I gave you to somebody who could. I think about you everyday of my life and sometimes I wish things were different. But once we make our choices we have to live with them.” She stopped talking and waited to see what my reaction would be.

When I learned that I was adopted. I wanted to find out who my birth mother was. I had thought about what I would say to her a thousand times but now that the moment was here, I didn’t know what to say. A lot of emotions were running through my body and it was hard to settle on a response. I finaly said simply, “Thank you”. My voice was soft and low and I wasn’t sure that she heard me.

I could have been harsh with her. I had thought about it but when those eyes pentrated my soul all my resentmet left me. I couldn’t imagine what this woman had to go through to make sure I survived. Emotion overwhelmed me. I got up from my chair and walked over to where she was sitting. I got on my knees and put my arms around her waist. I then put my head in her lap and started crying. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

She stroked my hair with one of her hands and I asked her my other question.

“Please don’t leave me.” I pleaded.

“I won’t” she replied.