I’m so vain
In all honesty, i am vain... To a nauseating degree.
I’m so vain that while driving in my car, I use the rear view mirror to stare into my reflection instead of for its intended purpose.
I’m so vain that I value the number on the scale above almost all else. At 16 I picked up a smoking habit with the sole intention of losing weight. A year later, I began, what has become, a 10 year addiction to prescription drugs for the same reason.
I go to the doctor monthly for refills. In anticipation of the routine weigh-in, I wear layers of my thickest articles of clothing and stuff my pockets with heavy items to add weight when I step on the scale. If I didn’t, I’d have to say adios to my maintenance pills.
I’m so vain, it thrills me when asked:
“You’ve lost so much weight, are you ok?”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
The honest truth is I am a self destructive mess. I’m selfish, and oh so vain.
I’d speak the truth but I am, at least, not so dim to know the truth is an obnoxious burden that only I should bare. The truth is an embarrassment to my self involved ego. The truth is- the elation that comes from seeing my bones protrude from my hips, ribs and cheeks, doesn’t compensate for my pathetic depression, loneliness, paranoia.
The truth is I feel ill and exhausted.
But the truth will remain on this sacred page.
The truth is, I am SO vain.