I've been meaning to talk to someone about what been going on lately, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I guess its because the times that I've tried speaking up, I was heard and then forgotten about quite quickly. So here I am. Writing something honest and true.
I've always enjoyed writing, it brings a certain calmness. Recently, I came across a journal that looked familiar, but it wasnt until I opened it that I relaized it was mine. Many pages from the front were torn off, but one. I had written about how diffiuclt the year had been for me and how much of a toll it took on me. Now, I understand people go through ruogh patches in their lives, however, I wrote in that journal several years ago, I might not even have been 12.
I have always encourage myself to write about my day in my journals, but none of them have ever been filled out. I begin with writing the positives but it is not long after that I write about how I'm struggling and how I find each day a challange. So I stop. I stop writing and I stop recording my life. I don't wanna know years later about how dark my days were and how empty I felt. Even now, the journal that I've kept for the past three years is barefully full because I can't seem to find things to write about that truley make me happy. My journal is hidden and tucked away, becasue I don't want anyone to know how I feel. How I think and what I think about. There are no secrets in there, just misery.
I want to belive that this is just a phase, that I am going to feel better. But it's not. I don't look forward to much anymore, don't know what I want to do or who I want to be. I can't see my self five years from now and I can't bring myself to take bold moves.
During the course of the last for years, I have suffered from potentially severe health issues, which doctors claim could be stress related. I've broken down and been extremely happy because I felt like I needed to be for the sake of others. I've been exhuasted doing nothing and have been feeling so lonely. I fall asleep by watching videos online so that I distract my restless mind from thinking and worrying.
I worry, I stress, and I tend to over think. Every. Single. Little. Thing. And I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do, because I don't know why I feel so sad and doubtful of myself all the time. I've been raised very well and have so much love and support around me. I have guiding figures and trsut worthy hearts at arms length away. However, I can't bring my self to discuss the details of my thougths with them.