Problems are for pansies

Oh here she comes. About time. Spending most of my time alone in a lamp doesn't exactly make me the most charming, insightful being, but if I had to guess, I think this one is an obnoxious old bumpkin. Although, I have been known to misread my subjects. But who picks up a genie in a lamp and doesn’t make an attempt to engage it’s magical power? The look of my humble abode is so classic surely any idiot would attempt a rub or two.

"Bumpkin" picked me up at a garage sale a while back from a sweet old lady. I heard her nasty tone that day. Kinda scared the crap out of me. Exactly how long ago that was I couldn’t say because inside this lamp, for obvious reasons I have lost all track of time. If I had to guess, I’ve been dormant for a year or two, maybe more. And I still can’t get her annoying voice out of my head.

“Hey lady. How much for this old piece of crap lamp?”

“Ten dollars,” said "Sweetie". When she asked me to solve world hunger as her only wish, I told her I’d be happy to grant her unselfish wish as best I could, but to remember; I’m just a genie, not a miracle worker.

I then asked Sweetie if she would kindly pass me along quickly, because quite frankly my accommodations are a little tight as you might imagine. If I can, I try to manipulate as much stretching time as possible in between gigs. She agreed without hesitation and said there was a neighborhood garage sale in a few days where she would pass me along for less than the $40 dollars she paid for me at an antique shop, for a quick sale.

Bumpkin continued that day like an out of tune violin, “Are you kidding me? For this piece of crap? Look lady. It’s late in the day and I’m sure you want to wrap things up. I’ll give you five to save you the bother of packing this junk back into your attic where it will sit till your next garage sale.

And I think she dropped the five and more or less walked off with me because I could hear Sweetie's diminishing exclamation to have a nice day.

And since then I’ve been sitting in total darkness biding my time. Perhaps I should think of this as a well deserved sabbatical. I’ve done hard time. You wouldn’t believe some of the problems I’ve been asked to solve. There are more than a few good doers out there, like the the old lady I just spoke of. Some have asked for cancer cures; an end to gun violence; a solution for the opioid epidemic and more, difficult complex problems too large to permanently solve, even for a genie, but I do what I can. And get this. I’ve also been asked to murder a few wives, making it look like an accident and as equal rights do prevail these days, a few husbands too. Call me a pseudo hit man if you will. This is the part of my job discription I cannot appreciate, but Genie's gotta do what Genie's got to do. Truth be told, the people I knocked off deserved it, otherwise I’d opt for a creative malfunction of sorts.

Oh yeah. She’s rubbing, come on baby, that’s it,........and.......YES! I’M OUT! Even though I’d rather not give nasty Bumpkin my standard spiel after the way she ranked on my housing and the way she treated Sweetie, I must, but not before I stretch.

“Greetings. I am your Genie. I have materialized to solve a problem that you most want to solve, but one problem only.”

“Genie!? Ha!? I knew it when I picked you up at that garage sale and decided to teach you a lesson. What gives you the right to be messing with God’s intentions? All this hocus pocus nonesense is just bullshit I tell ya. Bullshit. That’s why I’ve let you sit and stew all this while. Been 3 years since I tossed you in my attic. And problems...HA! Problems are for pansies. My momma always said, “There are no problems, just situations that need tending.”″

“Look lady. I’m just doing my job. Do you want me to solve a problem for you or what? You are giving me a headache and even though I really feel like stretching, at this point I’d rather go back inside my lamp than have to deal with you.”

“Well then I guess you can say you just solved my situation that needs tending. Genie, do the world a favor and go back into your lamp for good. Problem solved!”