I see her every day in school. We go for the same classes. She’s new here and somehow while I wasn’t looking she managed the take over my mind and all of my thoughts.
We don’t talk too much, I try to keep a distance. It’s just better this way. Safer. For me.
I don’t know how she feels and I’m not sure If I want to know. Because there is no right response here. Nothing that wouldn’t complicate things even more.
Not that I could ever muster the courage to do anything. I’m a coward when it comes to her. She’s so beautiful and I love the way she moves. Though I don’t think I have ever noticed that in any other woman. Not like this.
I try to focus on the teachers when they speak and wonder if she’s looking my way.
If she’s smiling again. I can’t think of her. Because it makes me crazy when I do, when my thoughts revel around her, let alone even consider anything happening between us...
I like the way she furrows her eyebrows when she’s concentrating. My pulse speeds up when she enters the room. Stirring the things I thought never existed. Not like that. Not for her. I try to ignore the feeling that growing so rapidly. The sense of falling and crashing hard to the ground. The notion that I can’t move or breath properly... and yet, everytime that her lips lift in a meaningful smile as if she owns the place, I just fall apart in thousands of little pieces. Crashing, shattering, breaking. But in a good way.
In such a good way...
I sit in my chair and can feel myself strain under the touch of a heavy arm. He smiles at me when I lift my head. Smelling so great and making me blush. He loves me and I love him. It’s been like that for a while now and at times it feels like forever. I smile back at him and feel pushed to the ground, a strong pressure on my heart.
An intense combination of guilt and disorientation.
I look back at the professor. Not really hearing the words. My mind twisting and bending, trying to comprehend the situation and denying it completely. He grabs my hand and I feel like a fraud. Like an imposter, taking up his time and his love. A foolish girl that didn’t understand her own heart. I take a cautious breath and make myself stop. All of those thoughts that make me sick. All the feelings that I can’t stop.
This wasn’t for real. It was just a crush. I close my eyes just for a second and my skin starts to burn, a clear sign that she’s looking. My pulse rises again and the adrenaline rushes through my veins, slowly turning me into ash... and I like it.
I open my eyes and slightly turn my head. There she is. Gazing at me like I’m the only thing worth looking at. Her mouth twitches and she can’t hold a smile. Throwing me a meaningful stare. Like she owned the place.. because she already knows, that she owns me. So there I sit, heart pounding. Mind already crazy with love. I brave myself and return the stare. Smiling at her in the exact same way. As if she’s the only person in this place. The only girl that I want to look at. And as the time stops for just a second my mind is finally made up. I return to my studies as my boyfriend squeezes my hand.
It was the time, to be honest with myself. To find the courage.
Because I’ve already found the love... and a girl that stole my heart.
While I wasn’t even looking.
Now, this is story I wrote almost a year ago and thought I would share it again.
I somehow just didn’t want it to get lost.