Oblivion is Best

My small fingers curled around my father’s hand. The air was heavy with ash and tasted of smoke, each step producing a crunching sound. And even though my feet were growing uncomfortably warm, the rest of me was cold to the point of numbness.

“Father, when can we go home?” I asked, looking up.

His face was darkened, illuminated briefly by a ray of moonlight that pierced the fog. Lips pinched into a thin line, something wet sliding down his cheek. Were those tears?

“What’s wrong?”

I tugged on his arm, and he looked down. Why did he look so sad?

“It’s okay, honey. We’re not going home tonight, we’re going to go ... ”

He paused, swallowing.

“Camping?” I squealed, jumping up and down. “I love camping!”

Father turned and kneeled, pulling me into a hug and kissing me on my forehead. “Yes, camping.”

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I rested my cheek against his. Then I pulled back.

“But what about Mommy? Won’t she want to come, too?”

There were those tears again, though I couldn’t figure out why.

“No, she’s ... tired. Maybe next time.” His thumb slid down from the corner of my eye to my jaw. “Come on, let’s go.”

He picked me up, and I giggled. When he laughed, it didn’t sound right, but maybe he was just tired. Hopefully he wouldn’t want to go right to bed, so we could fish or count stars or sing by a fire.

Father pulled me tight to his chest, but then I couldn’t see the sky or make creatures out of the smoke. I squirmed, but that only made him hold me tighter.

“You’re hurting me,” I said, confused.

But he didn’t hear me.

A few seconds later, he loosened, eyes fixed straight ahead as tears streamed down his face. They plopped onto my skin and hair like rain. The smoke must sting his eyes like it did mine.

I twisted my head. The village lay behind us. It was hard to make any of the buildings out, and even where the smoke blew away, they weren’t in the spaces where they should be. Where was our hut? Where was the willow with its long branches that brushed the grass?

“Where is everything?”

He didn’t hear me this time, either.

“It’s okay,” he soothed.

“Okay.”

I rested my head against his chest. If he said everything was okay, then that had to be true.

I should catch a fish for Mommy.

I giggled to myself.