Breathe

Breathe.

That’s what I have to tell myself everyday.

Just take a deep breath and everything will be okay.

Thoughts swarm my head.

Pushing me.

Telling me.

No…

Yelling at me to just hold on.

Hold on for a little bit longer.

Hold on until you can see the light.

Hold on until it hurts no more.

Hold on until the tears stop falling.

Hold on until the pressure in your chest…

Relieves and you can breathe again.

Hold on until you can breathe with ease.

Hold on until you can laugh without wanting to fall apart.

Hold on until you don’t have to hide behind a mask of false joy.

Hold on.

It gets easier, I promise.

The world loves to tear us down with every part of its being.

But guess what?

We may get bruised.

We may get cut with the edge of our own blade as we try to defend ourself.

But we still rise again.

Some days it is hard.

Some days I know you may just want to stay in bed.

Some days you just want to crumple and disappear.

Some days you just feel invisible…

Some days you feel like you are a convenience.

Some days you just want to

SCREAM!

Some days you just don’t want to be alive.

Some days I wonder why I am here at all.

Some days I wonder what I did so wrong…

Some days I wonder why I try at all.

Some days I wonder why bother?

Some days it’s clear as day.

Some days it is black as night.

Forcing you to blindly search for your way.

Some days I question my sanity.

Some days I question why I can’t be good enough..

Some days I question why me?

Why can’t I be happy?

Why can’t I just feel free…

Why does everything always turn bad for me?

Why am I choice number two?

Why am I the loser people drop?

Why am I not good enough?

Some days I wonder why I try…

Some days.

I don’t bother.

Some days my mask falters.

Some days I can’t keep up the fake smile.

Some days I just want to break down and cry.

Some days I don’t want to function at all.

The worst part..

I don’t get a choice.

I don’t get to say it’s okay.

I don’t get to cry and be alright.

I want to feel like it will be fine.

I want to feel like I’m not losing my mind.

I want to feel like…

Maybe I’m doing something right.

That maybe I’m not such a failure.

That maybe one day it will all be okay.

That one day I won’t have to question if I’m wanted around.

That one day I won’t second guess everything I do.

That one day I won’t be the other choice for everyone.

Until then…

I remind myself to breathe.

To hold on.

To hold on in the hope that maybe this will be true..

If not, I guess I’ll be alright...