the sounds of sorrow
.
I still stand there looking out the window after he leaves. The memory of the nightmare I had permanently stitched into my brain. I stare at him, at first just watching his silhouette disappear on the sidewalk. I stay in place, unmoving until my legs go numb. Looking at the streets and people passing each other by. I gaze at them, yet I don’t really see them. Instead, I think about the past couple of days. I wonder. I worry. Surprised I can still be involved in other people’s lives like that. My eyes close for a moment.
I did meet Mrs. Wilson by accident, and out of boredom really. Just like I explained to Charlie. What I didn’t mention to him, is how I really knew so many things about her. As usual keeping to my half-truths. Just so I don’t have to answer any more questions. I had enough trouble with keeping up with my own lies as it was. I just didn’t want to add to it. So I said as many truths as I could possibly master and hoped that it would be enough. I cared about him and felt bad every time I wasn’t honest with him - which, let’s face it, was often.
Two days ago when I went to see him as usual at the hospital, I saw this old woman laying on her bed alone. No one else in the room that she was staying in. I remember passing her room and feeling an instant pull towards her. I could feel my head start to pulsate. But not in pain, as usual, this time it was different. As if I was being called, instead of being attacked. I felt her pain, but it didn’t touch me. I just ‘heard’ it somehow. I stopped then for a second, confused. Not sure what to do next. This kind of situation was happening to me for the first time. I had no idea what to do. I only shook out of it when a nurse walked past me, hitting me on the shoulder because I was standing in the middle of the corridor, like a complete idiot. Probably with my mouth open.
I’m sorry, I wasn’t watching.
The nurse says, both apologetic and annoyed at the same time. I wondered if she was related to Susan. She had the same penetrating eyes as she did. Maybe it was a nurse thing. I clear my throat, still in a bit of a daze.
No, that was completely on me. My bad.
She looks at me for a moment like she is trying to remember something and then gives me a dry smile.
I see you don’t get distracted only by Mr. Evans.
I look shocked at her for a moment and then her smile turns warmer when she sees my embarrassment.
Eleonore, right? I see you around from time to time and hear about you from...
Let me guess, Susan?
I lift my eyebrow and give her a meaningful look. She just rolls her eyes. The head nurse was famous here. And it wasn’t just for her professionalism at work.
I was going to say, the other nurses, but yes. Were you going to see Charlie?
Yeah, I was just about too, Joan. (I glance at her name tag and make sure I will remember her name). Is he busy a lot today?
Yes. An ambulance just came in, so he is helping with the new patients. I guess that it will take him a couple of hours to get everything in order. I am heading there later to see if they need more help. I just need to take care of things here first.
I look at her and listen to the steady flow of her words. She seems confident and very good at what she does. Very efficient and at the same time I am sure her attitude works in a very calming way. I already feel more at peace, and I just met her. For a moment my mind wonders what would happen if I touched her hand. She has that strange feeling of familiarity about her. Would it work like Charlie’s touch? I quickly retreat from the thought, annoyed with myself for even considering it.
I smile at her when my mind produces a question that won’t stop rolling around in my mind. If there was one person with those kind of abilities, then why not more? I suddenly cross my arms, trying to protect myself from the thoughts in my head. My eyebrows furrow, as the light from a lamp above my head, starts to flicker. Too bright, beware of the noise. I can feel low buzzing under my skull, and it’s definitely not coming from the fluorescent tube. I ignore it. It was nothing in comparison with what I had to endure before. I swallow and try to look relaxed.
That’s okay, I am sure I can keep myself busy with something. Is there a place here where I might find some books? Any at all?
Yes, we have a small library here. Well, not so much a library, as more of a single room filled with bookshelves, a couple of tables, and some chairs.
She shrugs her shoulders as if saying, “Yes, it’s small, but it works just fine”.
I smile at her. A room of books and some piece of quiet was all I needed right now. Well, that and Charlie.
That sounds fantastic (I notice her doubtful stare). No, really, you have no idea how much I need a place like that right now.
Strange one, aren’t you?
Yes, I have been told. Since I could first understand words, and my parents decided to share that particular wisdom with me.
I grin at her and she just shakes her head. Her mind already elsewhere. She starts to leave.
Oh, Joan?
She turns back impatiently now. Wow, I really got those stares a lot.
Yes?
Could you just tell me one thing? I promise to leave you in peace after that.
The woman sighs, seeming sorry that she didn’t just disappear at the first opportunity that she had. Honestly, I was used to that kind of response. It did nothing to me.
Alright, but make it fast.
Hmm, who is that woman in the room next to us? The one laying all alone?
Joan sends me a strange look. I can almost hear little alarm bells set in her head.
Why do you want to know?
I sigh.
Listen, I am not some crazy nut job, that is dangerous for the people around her and opposes a threat. To be honest, I stay away from people as often as possible. Trust me on that. It’s better for everyone if I don’t get involved ... look, I don’t know, I guess she just seemed so lonely in that big room, no one there by her side. Maybe it got to me.
The nurse looks at me with more and more surprise in her eyes. Like she doesn’t know if she should just call some help or feel sorry for me. Again, nothing new for me. It was a miracle that nobody put me in a strait-jacket yet. And if nobody did, then it’s on them by now.
Anyway, I just wanted to know what her story was. I promise to you, I am not planning to steal from her or anything like that. Do you really think that Charlie, of all people, would let me come here if he thought I could do something bad to anyone?
She looks at me with suspicion, apparently forgetting that she was in a rush. But then she just nods her head.
No, he wouldn’t. Never. Plus, Susan seems to approve of you, so that’s sure a strong testimony of your worth.
I can almost hear angelic music in my head and smile. “Officially approved by Nurse Cormeum; product good to go”.
Okay, so what’s her story?
She’s a patient, Eleonore. She is an older woman with a lot of illnesses and suffers from depression. And at her age that can be very dangerous. However, her daughter visits her almost every day, so that’s good.
And will you help her get better?
We are doing everything that we possibly can, but it is only in her to find the willpower to live. She needs to want it. We can only treat her for the things that trouble her body, but not her mind.
Has she been long here?
I ask while I wonder about everything that Joan has just said to me. At the same time, feeling my mind somehow pulling me in the older woman’s direction. I try to ignore it as best as I can. I had enough problems as it was. I didn’t need to add to the list.
A couple of weeks.
And is she improving any?
She is... stable. Which is also good in her state. Only time will show us if she can pull herself out of it.
And her daughter? How is she about all of it?
She tries her best. She is supportive and cares for her, but I can see how much the situation is affecting her. She looks exhausted most of the time she comes here.
I nod, processing the information. And look to the door next to us. I mean, if they had trouble helping her, what possible chance did I have to make her feel better? If anything, I would just scare the old woman and cause her a possible heart attack or two. I sigh, at the same time literally feeling my body shifting in her direction. Almost, as if I heard faint, sad lyrics of a song but could not make out the words. Just a low melody, a buzzing noise. I swallow and look back at Joan, that is looking like she was way past the irritation point, has already driven past the annoyance junction and heading straight for the I couldn’t care less city. Hmm, a lot of people had ended up in that city because of me. I wave my hand frantically in the air.
Sorry, Joan. I will be fine, thanks. Will look for a book to kill the time.
The woman just gives me a funny look and leaves in a hurry. As if this conversation has put her responsibilities behind by two days, and some serious stress syndrome surely on its way. She leaves but I stay put. Not even moving. Wondering. I look around, shifting my head to the left and then to the right. The hall was empty. No one in sight. Perfect moment and probably the only chance I will get. I head to the open door and step in. I look back, afraid that someone might run in and call the hospital’s security on me, but no one comes. Hmm, they should really have better security here.
I walk up to the older woman and stare at her for a moment while she sleeps. I shake my head. What was I even doing here? I walk to a nearby window and stare at the grey sky. Clouds forming a thick blackened blanket above my head, the wind blowing steadily. I watch people walking past the parking lot and feel the shivers. Lately, I have been constantly cold, no matter what I did. I close my eyes. I try to relax and clear my thoughts. I listen.
I hear the lightbulbs and their steady buzz. I listen to the machines behind me beeping and the sound of my own breath. My head starts to hurt a bit and I hear low murmurs in my head. They aren’t shouting, just politely preparing for the evening show. I sigh and just try to grab something extra. And then I hear it, as if the faint melody that I heard before was growing. Expanding. It’s like a question. Like a wonder flowing in the air. And then I hear something else; though ‘feel’ should be a better word for it. I feel sadness and sorrow. A steady, deep sorrow beating in the same rhythm as the pulse in my veins. I look back at her. She still seems to be asleep, yet her chest appears to be moving faster. I walk up to her bed and sit on a chair next to it. I look at her and wait as if something big was about to happen but she just lays there, eyes closed.
My eyebrows furrow. Now, I wasn’t exactly sure what it was that I was waiting for, I just felt like I should be here. Maybe it was crazy, maybe it didn’t have any sense, but I just couldn’t move from the spot. I lean back on my chair and cross my arms. The chair sways in the air, as I amuse myself by trying to balance it somewhere in the middle. Minutes pass, and nothing new happens. I’m starting to get bored. Perhaps I should have gone for that book first. I start to get up but then hear something shift. I look at the old lady and almost have a heart attack myself. I feel palpitations as her silent eyes stare at me. They’re blue and have that watery color about them. Almost like a faded painting that has seen its better days. The chair shakes and it lands hard on the ground, making a nasty scraping sound. I move uncomfortably and try to loosen up my arms. I put my hands on my thighs. The awkwardness stretches out. I clear my throat.
Hello. Ehm, I don’t mean to bother you or anything...
The woman doesn’t seem to respond. Just stares at me. Her eyes no longer focused on me, staring somewhere behind my back. I turn around but there is nothing there. I look back at her and then at her nightstand. There is a picture of an older man there. He looks very serious, but you can see there is a twinkle in his eye. I can’t help myself and take the picture to have a better look. Then my stare travels to the old woman’s hand. A very delicate gold wedding ring is on her left hand. I gaze at those bony hands and close my eyes. I feel the sorrow again, and it feels so familiar like it’s my own.
“She’s a patient, Eleonore. She is an older woman with a lot of illnesses and suffers from depression”. Depression. I taste the word in my mind. Sadness. Loss. I swallow hard. I do know this sorrow. I look at the old lady again and see how beautiful she must have been once. I don’t see the grey hair put in a knot. I don’t see the wrinkles that cover her face. I don’t see how her body trembles or how loose her clothes are. I see the pain in her eyes, that I know all too well. Loss. I put the picture on her bed. She finally stares down and picks it up, a faint smile lingers on her lips but then it just fades away. First pain and then the numbness replacing it.
My hand lifts and I touch her fingers that are wrapped around the frame. I’m not sure if I do it to comfort her. I just feel the need to do it. And as I touch them I can feel something shift in my head. As if I had a device there and it just got activated. I see blurry images fill my head. Like old photographs or those pictures played from a plastic film negative. I can’t seem to make them out exactly but after a while I understand. The images before my eyes - are memories. Silent memories of her life. Of her family. Her daughter. Her husband. I freeze at the image and let go of her hand.
The images and the pain hitting too close to home. I open my eyes, as my heart flutters in my chest. I swallow hard, as tears form in my eyes and fall down on my jacket. My breathing exhilarates and then drops immediately. I look at my bare fingers and sense how cold they feel now. As if experiencing this old woman’s pain, somehow distracted me from my own. Even if it was the cause for me to remember that pain in the first place. I feel the always present chill returning to my body. The one I normally no longer notice, but now it feels like a slap in the face - as if it was punishing me for so carelessly forgetting about it in the first place.
I get up and shiver as if I wanted to shake off all the things that I saw and felt because of that woman. I didn’t want to remember those things, thinking that my insane levels have gotten even higher. I leave her room and storm out of the hospital, people sending me strange looks as I push them out of the way, my vision starting to get blurry with fresh tears. But it doesn’t matter, nothing really does anymore. All I knew was that I needed to get out of here before I lost my mind completely. My heart races as I run out into the cold dark afternoon.
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link to the book
https://theprose.com/book/1755/with-all-my-senses
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