this is a confession. it is far to real to me to be anything else

Desire is something that drives me mad. My 'morals' tell me to not act. They are currently stronger than the desire, but as the desire grows I am pushed further and further into madness against the moral cage that i live in. It would not be a problem if I let go would it? To just take her and lay her out and make her mine and let go of all else the other. I'm tied to another because she came first, because I felt pity for her and am too "kind" to break up with her. Why do I stick around? why do I even promote this?

And then there is that other woman. I see her, I talk to her, I smell her. but I cannot have her. not like this, not now, not in this way. Two ways could I take her as my own. to lay her out and penetrate deep within her body. if i were an honest man I would break all previous ties and be a clean man. ...or... or I could keep it down, never tell anyone... never let another soul know. and take her as my own. What does it matter if I tie her to the bed of my mind and do those things which I cannot to her in person. To completely unleash myself from my moral cage and take her body as my own, if only in thought. To see her laid bare on the bed. Her body quivering in fear and tension and lust and want and anticipation. she would feel whatever I wanted her to feel. slowly decending upon her tied form. taking from her what I should never, ever possess. bringing her into the dungeon that is my mind, where "safe words" don't exist, and the only thing that will stop my feverish ravaging of her body is my own exaustion... but of course, this is a mind game, and my mental self does not tire easily. She will beg for help, scream for release, but it doesn't matter because it isn't real. right? it's just my mind... what does it matter?

...she would hate me for this. the other woman, my woman, would hate me for this. my family would never forgive me for this. I could never forgive me for this. So I don't unleash the dark part of my mind. I keep it in my moral cage. Thank God I have some form of a moral cage.

but everytime I entertain even the idea of it, I can feel the bars slip... I can feel myself take a step towards mental action I don't dare think about lest I make it happen