Things I couldn’t say.

-I am scared that you will realize that I am not perfect. Not even close.

I am messy. Sometimes I don’t shower all day. I leave my clothes on the floor. I wear the same leggins three times before I wash them. I can’t cook.

-I am scared that you will realize that I over think everything. Everything.

I want the remote, but I am nervous you will judge the shows I like. Do I look good enough today? Thin enough? Too quiet? Too loud? Am I being present? I forget too many things. Can I ask that? Can I touch you like that? Is that okay? Am I enough?

I change my outfit ten times before I see you, and I usually give up because in my head you deserve to be with one of those sexy blonde girls who look good in everything and can put their hair in a messy bun and still look really hot.

When we drive somewhere together and there is silence I can’t tell if it is awkward silence or the okay kind of silence. What is he thinking?

-I am scared that you’ll realize how ugly I am.

Especially when I am tired and my eyes are puffy or I have acne or the dark circles under my eyes are extra intense. I picture you with a girl that wears makeup, but doesn’t need to. Big eye lashes, lip gloss that smells like cotton candy, and whose skin is always smooth and soft and tan. Someone that always looks good in pictures. I will never look like that.

-I am scared you’ll realize that sometimes I am lazy.

I don’t do my own laundry. I rarely clean Monkey's litter box. I procrastinate. I nap a lot.

-I am scared you will realize that I complain a lot.

I complain when things or people annoy me. I complain if I am too hot or too cold. I complain when I don’t get my way. I complain when I feel fat or sick or poor or when I have sunburn or too many bug bites.

- I am scared you will realize that I am sooo moody.

I can be manic. I can be depressed. I can be happy. I can feel small. Sometimes I cry for no reason. Sometimes I am not happy for a month. Sometimes I want to be alone. Sometimes I want company.

-I am scared that you will see that I am sad.

Deep down, just sad. Undeserving. Not worthy. Unlovable. Just there.

-I am scared that you’ll leave me when I feel fat.

I like to eat nachos and drink beer. If I am not happy with what I see when I look in the mirror, how could you possibly be happy with me?

-I am scared that you see right through me.

Sometimes you see me when I am trying to be invisible.

-I am scared that my friends won’t like you or you won’t like them.

I don’t have a lot of true friends. But my 'best' friends are really good people. If you didn’t get along with one of them, it would hurt me.

-I am scared that you think you know me.

I am not saying that you don’t, but you don’t know everything yet. And what if you hate the rest of me?

-I am scared that you don’t know me enough.

I'm dangerous.

-I am scared that you will get tired of having sex with me.

If I tell you I don’t want to, is that okay? Will you do it anyway? Take my body, not my mind? Will it make me seem not fun to you? Is it okay?

-I am scared that when I’m bleeding you'll see the crazy.

I can hide for a week from everyone else, but not you. You come looking for me. During that time I can't walk, nothing fits, I feel disgusting and gross. I get cramps and they hurt. I get headaches like a lot. I always have Tylenol on my person or very close by.

-I am scared that i will let you in, and then you will truly see me, and then you will leave.

-I am scared that you will judge me when you find out more about my past.

The things I have done. Things done to me. The scars. The damage. The dangerous.

- I am scared that this summer you will see me in my bathing suit, and be repulsed.

Or if we ever went on a winter trip, I don’t have cute ski bunny clothes. Not like the other girls. I'm scared to travel too far. And if we have to navigate, you will see that I am terrible with direction.

-I am scared that you will see that sometimes I am just like everyone else.

I talk about people behind their backs. Sometimes I tell white lies. Sometimes I just want to fit in, not stand out.

-I am scared that I will black out from drinking. Again.

You will see the alcoholism. You will see that sometimes people take advantage, and sometimes I let them. Maybe I will flirt too much and cheat. And in the morning, I won't even remember.

-I am scared that I will take pills or do blow, and you'll find out, and be so disappointed.

-I am scared that you'll see how anxious I get.

Even about little things. I need a lot of alone time.

-I am scared that you will see that sometimes I can be really stupid. Like really stupid.

I don’t always think before I speak or act. Sometimes I am really smart though. Scary smart. In a crazy way.

-I am scared you will realize how fucked up my family is.

Not just my parents, it goes beyond a little bit. What if I turn out like them?

-I am scared that your family will never think I am good enough for you.

Do they think you are settling? Do they hope it ends quickly? Do they say negative things about me the minute I leave their earshot?

-I am scared that you complain to your friends about me.

If you are out with them and I want to see you, and you always make time, do you huff and puff and roll your eyes and say things like 'Ugh, I gotta go see her.” or “Oh, this bitch is making me go to her house right now,” or “OMG shes so annoying, it doesn’t stop.”. Do you make faces? I don't want to be that person. Be a burden.

- I am scared that I will make you feel unappreciated.

You always make me a priority. Always make time. I don’t reciprocate. Did I thank you? Did I let you know that I notice these things even if I didn’t acknowledge it?

-I am afraid that I might actually love you.

But I will never, ever deserve you. I will never be enough. I'm Dangerous.