Had to.

Something to lose? I had everything to lose. It was my first day of training. I had been there before, to watch, to stand shyly in the corner. I had watched those men gear up, mask up, and grab their tools. I saw them cut up cars, and go in smoke filled rooms without hesitation. I saw their muscles bulge under their sweat stained shirts, and I wondered if I would be able to do it too. I had been watching them for months. Observing quietly while they avoided my gaze. I could tell that I was not wanted. How dare a woman even think to step foot into their territory. They didn’t think I would be able to do it, it was comical to them that I would even want to try. Why did I want to try?

It was a Tuesday. The day I had been waiting for, the day I would get to prove that I could be there and keep up and eventually take the lead. I put on my gear. I stepped into my boots, hands shaking. I pulled up my suspenders, goosebumps. I tugged on my hood, sweaty palms. Next was my jacket, each button took forever. Then my helmet and lastly the gloves.

One of the older men took me into a corner of the room. He had a pack with him. He showed me how to properly put it on and off. I practiced a few times. I could feel eyes on me, but I tried to concentrate on my task at hand. Next the man showed me how to mask up and breathe on air. I practiced it a few times. I was listening to the others around me. The female medics watched me cautiously. Would I be competition to them? Would I give up and join them instead? What was I trying to prove? The men watched me hoping for failure, an ounce of cowardice, or a sign I would give in.

They had been dragging dummies across the floor. They would tie up the victim, and then drag them as fast as they could fully geared, on air, staying low, blacked out. I was finally up next. I was terrified. Not of what the task was, but terrified of failing in front of everyone. My heart was beating so fast. I was sweating profusely. I took a deep breath and tried to calm the thoughts in my head. I had to do this right now. Had to. No question about it. I heard them talking “Make her freaking do this. She wants in, she has to do it just like we do,” I had everything to lose. My dignity, my potential to be respected. If I failed they would never take me seriously. Would I be able to face them again? Would this be my first and last time on air? I had to do this. Had to.

HAD TO.

They gave me some webbing and told me to tie up the victim. My hands were shaking so much, but I got it around the torso. I went to pull and got nothing. The dummy didn’t even flinch. It looked so easy when they did it. I was getting so angry at myself. Literally the whole room was watching me. And talking and pointing. And then someone said “I told you man, she can’t do it.” That was the last straw. That was all I needed to hear.

I took the webbing and wrapped it around myself. I started to crawl on all fours, and surprisingly I kept going. The dummy was dragging behind me! I was doing it! I dragged the victim to the opposite side of the firehouse. I had a huge cool-aid smile on my face. I was still shaking, but now more from adrenaline than fear. I had done it. I slowly got up, and one of them came over to help me with my mask. I took off the pack and my jacket and someone gave me water. I wanted to sit down so bad, but I wouldn’t dare. “You’re not supposed to be able to do that, you’re a little girl”, “Holy S**T”, “Hey you know if you ever need anything let me know, I’d be happy to help you out” “Good Job”. It was the best feeling in my world, up until that point in my life.

So what’s it like having sixty total strangers routing for you to fail? It sucks. It hurts. It made me question whether or not I was physically and mentally capable of succeeding. I could have lost myself that day. I put it all on the line, and proved everyone wrong, including myself, I’m disappointed to say.

I still have to prove myself, every day. That probably will never change. I accept that and I know I am up for it. Looking back, I think I did lose myself that day after all. I became a new version of myself. Stronger, more confident, respected, feared, a sister. I had everything to lose. I am so glad that I tried, and won.