Your Song
I heard it today. Your song. How is it fair that it still makes me think of you? Why does a small part of my heart still ache? I have him. I don’t need you. I am better off.
But still...
With that song, comes the rush of a first love and the giddy feelings of being wanted for the first time. It brings that unending desire to make every moment last. It recalls the fear that it would end, yet also the comfort that I felt in your arms.
That song is bitter-sweet, as is every memory of you. I remember the pounding in my chest as we leaned in for our first kiss. When you slid your arm around me for the first time, my body filled with a warmth that reached every tip of every finger, without providing any real protection from the cold. It felt so perfect, like a movie being played, while we lay entertwined and skin to skin. My breathing caught in my throat when you said it back, “I love you too,” for the very first time.
Love has been frequently compared to a drug, but it can be a fitting comparision. I felt a constant need to have you in my life. That need only became stronger and more pervasive as you began to slip away. The less I got of you, the more I needed. You began to fill my every waking hour, if not in the front of my mind, always lingering just enough to be present. You tinted every moment, filling my life with a heavy fog, weighing me down and preventing me from clearly seeing the life around me. Those weeks felt like years.
Your song brings back so many emotions, but I have to remember that it is not your only song. The other song is a warning, a reminder to keep memories of you at bay. You let me down, too. I needed you. You were there offering support, and suddenly pulled the branch out of my hands, leaving me to slip into the pit of quicksand. But I got out. Friends began to offer twigs, but they weren’t strong enough on their own. A fake knight rolled up and carried me off into seven months of delusion. Yet somehow, you were always there.
I have a real knight now. With every day, his armor shines brighter. He is every love song on the radio. And I know without you, I may never have stumbled down the path into his arms. I have no ill will against you. I hope you worked through the demons that tore us apart. While he is my love, my future, my partner, my life, a part of me will always love you.
I heard your song today.