Running on Empty
Just not sure I can stand to wake up today and live out a day, all work, no play, all work, sleep, eat, repeat, run run run run always running, never resting.
I’m a problem solver, what do I do, keep going, going, running, running, who is taking care of me, I look older and older every day, hair fried and gray, skin sagging, stop smoking, smoking, smoking, so fucking what?! Let me smoke goddammit what else do I get to do, it helps me think, keeps me alert, let me do what works, who the fuck are you to tell me no...
Shit, groceries, order, have delivered, jeezus expensive. I have no energy, none to go get it all, carry it all up those stairs, jeezus I’m feeling old, my kids will only help when I nag them to, and that’s if they’re even home. Never home, I’m never home, I don’t even feel like this is my home, never actually owned a home in my adult life, parents had all this figured out by mid-40′s why don’t I... oh yeah, 3 failed marriages, kids to raise properly which I CANNOT do properly, stop doing that to yourself, shut the fuck up, you worked with what you had, oldest daughter already has shit together, so I got one right so far.....
Extra hours, people to take care of, phone calls from dads and schools about kids, everything everything everything, everyone is hurting, just stop, everyone just stop, can’t stop, another problem to solve, another fire to put out, ok, now things are ok, now another fire, just put it out and don’t complain and keep running. Get more coffee and keep running. Have another smoke and keep running until you have a goddamn heart attack, but you can say you kept running....
Fuck it, moving out, I’m done, before I make a mess of too many lives, mostly my kids, I’m making things worse, I’ll be dead in 5 years if I don’t, got to stop running. Stop stop stop.
Texts from home, why did you move, had no right to move, we still worry about you, we still need you, we never call or text or write but we still need you, you had no right to go anywhere, no right at all, don’t you understand it wasn’t working when I was there, no matter, you had no right to leave, you are supposed to keep running running running but only in places we need you, until what, til the love runs out like One Republic, love that song, maybe that’s my relationship with this man, I don’t know yet, too soon to tell, but I get to WRITE until the love runs out and AFTER it runs out and forever because I forced the issue to happen and took the chance and fuck all of you who don’t get that and I get to own this part of me finally and I GET TO STOP RUNNING.