bath water

It's normal for me to sit here and think of what life means; what I mean. I can't help but think of how I'd be better off dead, or how I wish I could've had a different life. I've made so many mistakes in my life and I wish I could change that. I cannot undo them no matter how much I wish. No matter where I go or what I do, I am constantly reminded of how much I've messed up. Is it so much to ask for, to start again?

The weight of the world is too heavy for my shoulders. There's too much to think about and too much to worry about. If only I could just make it all go away. Is life even worth living? Life is stupid. There's too much hassle. It's too emotional. Some people have great lives and some people don't. It's hard to fathom how much someone goes through on a daily basis. They may seem fine on the outside, while they're a mess on the inside. You never know what others are going through.

I back down to people. I let them walk all over me. The taunts, the names, the hurtful things they say to me are just too much. There's only so much a single person can take. Everyone has limits. After a while the pain starts to fade and all you're left with is anger and then nothing.

Numbness.

It's terrible to feel nothing. It's as though you finally realize all the things they said are true. But are they? Are they really true? No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know anymore. Why would they say them if they were not the truth?

I walk through the school hallways alone. I am alone in a crowed room. Class is a bore. How can I pay attention when the back of your head is being bombarded with spitballs and wads of paper? The kids think it's fun to pick on someone like me. Why? I've never done anything to them. So what's their motive?

Different. Weird. Stupid. Ugly. Worthless. Unlovable. Freak. Abomination. Loner. Loser. Hopeless. Broken. Unfixable. Useless. Unwanted. Lost. Dumb. Fat. Faggot. Idiot. Lame. Disgusting. Disgrace. Creature. Punk.

Nothing.

Those words impact me. I've hear them so many times. I've never thought that I was anything worth noticing, I am nothing, and they were right. Those names do suit me. I've lost most of my feelings. My heart is decaying and I have no reason to care about anything. There's nothing worth staying alive for. They took it all away. The names took everything. I am nothing thanks to them.

But sometimes there are those rare moments I'm not numb. Sometimes I can feel that anger rage inside of me. The little sorrow I have mixes with my anger and I lose all control.

I have anger towards to people who called me names, but most of all, myself. I loathe myself. Everything they said was true and I was too stupid to realize it all until now. I am nothing. There's no reason for me to be here.

During the day I am all alone. School is torture. Can they not see the pain they cause me? Or maybe that's it. They want me to feel pain. They want me to suffer. That's just who they are, they're horrible. The teachers are far too stupid to realize that anything is going on. They look down on me as well. They look at me like I'm a mistake, an answer someone tried to erase, but didn't quite get the job done.

People are rude. They are cruel. How do they think it's fun to do these things? Who knows, maybe they're just trying to spare me and tell me how things really are? Yeah, that's probably it. I'm just worthless and needed to be told, so my hopes wouldn't be raised.

I'm thankful that people have told me what they think. Now I know that I am truly useless and have no purpose on this earth. People have proven that to me.

Every once in a while I get a glimmer of hope that someone out there could help me. Someone who could understand what in going through and tell me that everything's going to be alright and that everyone lied when they said those horrible things. But that'll never happen. No one ever talks to me anyway.

Anyone who's ever gotten close to me or tried to get close to me, only wants to hurt me in some way. I'm not fit to be around others. They just want to see me crumble. That's what they all want.

They. All. Want. Me. To. Break.

I don't understand why I even bother. People are doing a great job making my life a living hell. Any inkling of care that anyone had, had for me was long gone by now. I'm alone. Everyone is selfish anyway. No one wants to help others, they just want to tear each other down and watch each other suffer. Survival of the fittest.

Rude. Bitch. Annoying. Rowdy. Bully. Prick. Asshole. Jerk. Self centered. Stupid. Evil. Narcissistic. Self-absorbed. Unintelligent. Selfish.

I don't need them. I don't need anyone. I'm better off dead anyway. No one cares. If they did they would have shown it by now and not let me suffer here. Maybe, just maybe it would have been different. But no this is the way it has to be.

They have made me believe there is nothing for me, and I'm done. People have led me to this. It's their fault I feel this way. I'm leaving. And I'm not coming back.

I have several types of pills lined up on my bathroom sink. They differ from shape, size and color. I'm only assuming that taking them in bulk will do the job. My bathtub is also filled. The water is cold. It welcomes me. It's as if its calling me; begging for me to join it.

I take each pill individually. It takes a while, but I want to make sure that they all go down. I'm unsure how many I've taken when I finish, but there was enough to make me feel slightly uneasy.

I step into the tub. I feel the water soak into my clothes and shiver. This is what I want. I think. I cover myself in water my head is the only part that is not wet. I slowly lean my head back, allowing my hair to become wet. Then my ears, and the ready of my head.

This is it. I'm done for. No more being made fun of, no more pain. But, maybe I should stay.. I didn't always feel pain. I remember when I was happy, when people were nice to me. Recently people have treated me badly, but that doesn't mean they'll always treat me that way. I always hear that things get better..

Maybe I just need to get out of this town and have a fresh start. Somewhere I can make friends, somewhere I can be happy. That wouldn't be so bad.

Maybe life is worth living. Just because some people believe I am something doesn't mean I am. They may say that I'm nothing, but they don't know what I'm like, what I'm capable of. I can show them. I will overcome this and show them that they were wrong. I'm worth something, more than they can imagine. Living overshadows dying. We all live and die, but I should not try to end my life. I'll die when I'm supposed to. When I'm older, not now.

Their words mean nothing. I chose to believe the so often lies that left their lips. How stupid of me to think less of myself just because someone decided to be horrible to me. I am what I want to be, not how someone perceives me. Some eyes tell lies. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but their words are nothing short of a lie.

Being different is what made them hate me, but being different is what's important. Now I see that I'd rather be different, and outcast, instead of being part of the cookie cutter world.

I open my eyes wide. I feel the water rush over them, as I'm still underwater. It begins to hurt my eyes, I open my mouth and water seeps into my lungs. I resurface and cough in order to exert the water from my lungs. I breathe in and out heavily, trying to regain my regular breathing rate.

I'm alive.

The freezing water still surrounds me. And I am confused as to why I thought this would be a viable way out. Nothing in my life would be worth this. If I were to die, they would win. I would be the coward. They would be right. Well, now I am the winner. I will not give into them.

Real revenge is making something of yourself. I plan on making them all see who I really am.

I call 911 and take a deep breath. I need to be here.

I am infinite; sempiternal.