Harry Situation Reviews: Cats
So... yeah... I saw Cats a couple weeks ago... and I'm just getting my review to you now...
I’m not sure what more I can say about that.
So Cats is a musical fantasy film based on the widely popular broadway musical of the same name by Andrew Lloyd Webber. It was directed by Tom Hooper (known for directing great films like The King’s Speech and Les Miserable) and features an all-star cast the likes of James Corden, Jennifer Hudson, Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Idris Elba, Jason Derulo, Taylor Swift, and Rebel Wilson.
The story... oh man, what is the story behind this mess? You know, for the first time ever, I’m not entirely sure how to summarize the story for this film. Let me try to see what Wikipedia says. A white cat named Victoria (played by Francesca Hayward) is dropped into the streets and then she meets up with a group of alley cats called the [hold on a second]... the Jellicles. Still with me? So they take her to the Jellicle Ball, where they compete to go to something called the Heaviside Layer to be reincarnated. There's also this outcast cat named Grizabella (played by Jennifer Hudson). And there's also this evil cat named Macavity (played by Idris Elba) who wants to be chosen for this Heaviside Layer thing.
Okay, Wikipedia really isn't helping me out here.
Look I think it's pretty clear that I know nothing about the musical. I just know that it exists and it is very popular for its costume designs, music, and dance choreography. And that’s about it.
Well, a movie has been made about it, and you can probably tell from my review so far, it's pretty bad. I'm sorry, that's not true at all. It’s really bad. Basically every bad thing you’ve heard about this movie is true. I’ve staved off my Bottom 5 Worst Movies of 2019 list for this movie.
Let's get the obvious negative out of the way: the CGI is really, really hard to look at. It's some of the worst CGI I've seen in any movie, and we've come a long way with some of the most groundbreaking motion capture CGI work from the Planet of the Apes reboot trilogy to the Avengers films. Hollywood has made some of the most realistic people and beings with such outstanding digital effects. And this film had a $100 million budget. So what fucking excuse does it have for looking this bad?
It looks very awkward and very unsettling how everyone looks like some cat-human-hybrid-abomination with all their cat ears and tails but they have very humanoid faces and hands. Not to mention that sometimes these characters will be naked but other times there are cats that are wearing fur coats. Someone please try to explain that to me. Looking at these things brought back horrid flashbacks when I first watch Mike Myers' Cat in the Hat movie. Oh yeah. I went there.
The comedy in this movie... cat puns. Cat puns... by Rebel Wilson and James Corden. I don't think I need to go further. >:(
I don't even know what the tone for this movie is. This has a PG rating, meaning kids are allowed to see this movie. But every character is so horny, and everything is so sexualized, and everyone just wants to fuck everything. Was this something that was in the broadway show? Someone please tell me. Was this an actual thing? Yuck! I feel dirty having to write this all out.
There are also a lot of pointless characters that show up for no reason, sing a song, and then disappear from the whole movie. As I sat in that theater and as a character showed up I was like, "who the hell was that?" This movie introduces one too many characters and I couldn't really care about any of them. This is how it goes: a new cat appears and sings a song. And then another one shows up and sings a song. And then another, and another. Speaking of which, who the fuck named all these cats? Listen to these names: Bustopher Jones? Rum Tum Tugger? Jennyanydots? Mr. Mistoffelees? And I thought Star Wars and Star Trek had some strange names. The only character that I sort had sympathy for was the cat played by Jennifer Hudson solely because it's Jennifer Hudson, and I thought she was pretty good in this role. Everybody else I couldn't care less and I was more curious of how the hell it manage to snag all these big name celebrities.
Now let's talk about the songs real quick. Now I can see why these songs are pretty popular with this musical. The one that Jennifer Hudson sings, "Memory", that was pretty good. But I cannot give any credit to this film by stating the songs are the one decent thing about this movie for two reasons. The first reason is these are not the movie's songs. I don't even think the movie has any original songs that make it stand out from the broadway musical. The second reason is that, having to listen to these songs from a 21st Century perspective, they sound super dated, like it was meant to stay in the 80s and be forgotten. I'm being completely honest here.
Doing a little research into this film I found out that originally this was going to be helmed by Steven Spielberg, and it was going to be animated. Now that would be something I would have liked to have seen. That being said I also understand why the studio and producers of this film went along with live action. It was for the dance choreography. Cats the musical is known for having some great dance numbers. They want to get the actors and extras to perform these wild dance routines just like the broadway show. They even hired the choreographer behind Hamilton as I understand it to do it too. Sadly, the end result is what it is.
I feel bad for ripping on this movie, honestly. I really do. I mean Tom Hopper is a really good director. He already had experience directing a widely acclaimed broadway musical and bringing it to the big screen with Les Miserables, and he received a couple Oscar nominations too, I think. But this just wasn't in the cards for him. The film has no plot, so there's nothing to follow. The characters are one too many and uninteresting, so there's no one you can feel for. This movie just has nothing going for it.
Is it worth calling it one of the worst movies of 2019? Yeah, I think it does. Folks, save your movie. Don't bother with this one. Even crazy cat ladies will despise this film.
Positives:
-Jennifer Hudson and that "Memory" song
Negatives:
-Ugly, awful CGI
-Awkward comedy
-Super dated songs
-Pointless characters
-Confusing story
-Confusing tone
Final Grade: F
So those are my thoughts on Cats. Have you seen it already? If so, damn, how'd you survive? Have you seen the broadway musical? What were your thoughts on that? Please be kind, leave a like and comment, and check out more reviews here on Prose!
Best Quote:
Jennyanydots: "Don't mess with the crazy cat-lady."
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