Moving On..
“I dreamt about Mark last night,” Christine said as she moved to the coffeemaker and poured herself a cup. The rich smell of coffee grounds settled into her nostrils and woke her up in a way only coffee could. She turned at her sister’s sigh, steeling herself for the inevitable criticism against Mark.
“Honestly Christine... it’s been a year... I mean you’re still thinking of that idiot? But why? What happened to you moving on?” Julia said, drawing out a chair and sitting down with her own cup at the bright blue kitchen table.
“No... You don’t understand... it was different this time... I felt… nothing,” Christine said with a smile as she sat down.
“What do you mean you felt nothing?” Julia said, concern tinging her voice, eyebrow raised. Christine understood her concern, the break up had been bad and for a time, the very act of getting up every morning had been a task she really hadn’t wanted to do.
“Exactly how I said it… I woke up this morning, lay in my bed, remembering the dream and I didn’t feel the sadness or the longing or the anger I’ve been feeling... I felt nothing. Ok maybe not nothing but I felt maybe relief, like a weight was off my shoulder," Christine said, tracing circles around the rim of her coffee mug.
“Do you think you are finally letting go?” Julia asked in a lowered tone.
“I don’t know... is it possible to let go of six years of loving someone, having dreams about them, planning and hoping and seeing this future?” Christine sighed, feeling a twinge around her heart. God it still hurt to think about Mark, hurt to consider that he really did not want her, that she truly was single.
“I spent all of last year hoping and praying that the time apart would make him miss me... that he would see how much I loved him and how much I had sacrificed for him all those years,” Christine felt the tears thickening her voice. “I was always there for him Julia, without question... I put him first, I gave up my dreams... my life revolved around him and now maybe I’m realizing that maybe while I was all about him, he was all about him.”
Julia nodded, “I remember how you always refused to move even when it would have meant better opportunities.”
“I loved him… at least I thought I did but maybe what I felt for him was attachment and fear of being alone. Do you know that I broke up with him so many times? But I always went back, “Christine sighed. “Do you think it was that I didn’t love myself enough? I am really afraid of being single Julia…of being with someone else.”
Julia nodded, “There’s nothing wrong with being afraid Chrissy... I don’t know about the loving yourself part... maybe you were just stuck in this cycle that you never had the courage to get out of... you were not wrong for loving him or wanting things to work out.. And wanting him back is not a crime either, “she smiled, “no matter what I have told you… I mean he is an idiot for not recognizing how lucky he was to have you, but you also should not beat yourself up for wanting him to love you.”
Christine nodded, she felt strange- on one side she was not sure the feeling of betrayal and hurt would ever go away, but the other she felt strangely liberated, almost like she had a chance to feel again, “maybe you are right Jules... maybe it didn’t feel like we had broken up because he technically did not do all the wrong things that people do to break up, I mean he didn’t cheat.”
“He hit you once, “ Julia said, her voice taking on a hard tone, “ and what about all those times you said he put you down, spoke about your weight in a condescending voice or didn’t include you in his decisions.. He became a cop without telling you for God’s sake… and remember when he didn’t show up for dad’s funeral even though you had been dating for months?”
Christine nodded, recalling the sadness and constant fighting they always used to do, the need she always felt to be heard. Funny thing was Mark never thought he had hurt her feelings. Even now he suggested that they were only broken up because she had left... nothing was ever his fault, “I was always apologizing and saying I’m sorry even when I did nothing wrong just so the fighting would stop,” she sighed, “ I never thought of how much it hurt my heart until I was no longer around him 24/7.”
“So what now Chrissy, what do you think the dream meant?” Julia asked looking into Christine’s eyes.
Christine laughed, the sound echoing through the kitchen, her heart a little lighter, “Damned if I know...”