Log Entry #38
I see the world around me as nothing more than a multitude of things to obliterate.
The sight of the rubble filled me with such satisfaction. Another thing destroyed by my own hand. Before I could walk away from the mess I made I met someone. She was astonished by my work. She seems a fascinating being. I think she may just be the right fit for me, she is Reparation. We made plans for tonight.
I am filled with excitement at the prospect of something new. She just got off work and is heading here now, will write more later.
Log Entry #39
Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. It’s been fun getting to know Reparation. When we aren’t hard at work fulfilling our purposes we are with eachother.
I destroy and she rebuilds. It’s beautiful, us enabling eachother do what we do best.
The novelty of a new connection never ceases to fill me with joy and curiosity but most importantly, hope.
Log Entry #40
Reparation left today. I feel hollow. It’s impossible to fight my innate desire to destroy, I am blinded by this desire. Perhaps I should give in? Will ponder this.
The search must continue as still I yearn to find my solution. It’s painful thought isn’t it? What if I try again and fail? This fear debilitates me, I don’t want to hurt anymore.
Reparation taught me alot, she was stunning and such an optimist. Always saw a way to take my destruction and build it back up into something new. But, we got caught in an increasingly negative feedback loop as illfitted partners do. She grew weary of cleaning up my inevitable messes and I grew increasingly ashamed of my lack of ability to change.
It was heartbreaking. I couldn’t bare to watch her walk away along with my hope for a solution, so I didn’t. Coward!
Log Entry #41
Had to get a new computer after I destroyed my last one or I’d have written sooner. I am filled with questions as of late:
Is there a solution searching for a problem like me? Could there be one? Or am I destined to wander this existence in solitude?
Isolation is so much more lonely when it feels like my only option.
Reparation was the first time I felt hope in awhile. Regeneration was fun, but we ended up doing the same things over and over again - it got old quickly. Protection and I had a quick fling but it was obvious that we were opposites in all of the wrong ways.
Eh, it hurts to revisit these relationships that I was inevitably the demise of. It’s getting late anyway, going to rest now.
Log Entry #42
I know, it’s been awhile. I spiralled out a bit. Didn’t feel much like writing. I took some time to be with myself, to destroy without fear. By doing this, I went further than I ever have. I am convinced it was doing this that lead her to me.
My solution has found me. I know with every fiber of my being that she is what I have been searching for. I am empty no more.
She is life, she is light, she is everything that I am not. She is Creation.
I am resolved.