The Rock

There is no orientation class after you die. No, “How to For Ghosts”. You are just there all of the sudden, outside your body, looking at it, and probably with a lot of confusion. There is not a concierge to greet you with a smile and a brochure listing the many adventures and activities that haunting has to offer. You don’t get inducted by a circle of mysterious hooded figures ready to initiate you into the secrets of the dead. You just are, all by yourself, existing somehow, outside yourself.

Alarik knelt next to my body studying the wound that marked my head, his face intense as he studied it, like a puzzle to be solved. He looked up at another stern faced man who stood a bit apart observing the scene.

“This looks intentional.”

The other man scowled, facing the tree lined bluff above, and he gestured vaguely with one hand. “There is a clear line of fall.”

“Actually the line of fall indicates a body drop more than a fall,” Alarik studied the bluff as he explained, pointing along the line of smashed ferns. “When a conscious person falls they grasp at anything they can grab hold of. There would be much more disturbance to the underbrush if she had been alive when she fell. We would most likely see plants pulled out to the roots.”

Rivera studied the bluff, looking at the line of dirt exposed as I had tumbled down the face of the steep slope. It was true that some plants were flattened, but none looked pulled out. I couldn’t remember dying, but I did know that I would have fought.

Rivera shook his head, and turned to face Alarik and my body on the moss covered ground. “You’re seeing what you want to see. We all know you’re some big shot FBI investigator, but this is just a small town. There aren’t murders just wandering our forests. What we do have is idiot hikers, and idiot hikers mean hiking accidents. That’s all this is. ”

“You may not want to see it Rivera, but she was killed, someone bashed in her head and then threw her off the cliff. So they could trick someone like you, not paying attention, into thinking it was an accident.” As he spoke, Alarik stood up. He squared his shoulders with Rivera, bringing them to approximately the same height. They postured like animals ready to duel over a potential mate, only instead of a mate, it was my body they fought over.

Bristling at the insult Rivera narrowed he eyes, and leaned in inches away from Alarik’s face and whispered. “I guess that’s why you’re not in the FBI anymore, huh? That family curse coming back to haunt you? Seeing monsters in the shadows like your uncle did? Careful, better get control of yourself before you kill some innocent man like he did.”

Well that was interesting. What kind of monsters was he seeing? Suddenly I was losing faith in my shining white knight, but then who was I to say his monsters weren’t real?

“Sometimes there really are monsters, they just wear human faces. Give me seventy two hours and I’ll prove it.”

I had the distinct impression this fight wasn’t really about me. I was merely the latest rope they had to pull in opposite directions. These divisions ran deeper. Stupid men and their egos.

Indignation flooded Rivera’s face his tan skin passed red and went straight to purple, but there was a shadow of doubt behind his dark eyes. He might be arrogant but he wasn’t stupid, if this was a murder and he didn’t even investigate it a little, then it would be on his head and he knew it. Still his words dripped with condescension. “Fine. You have forty-eight hours, and just you. I don’t want any of the department’s resources wasted on your delusions.”

Grim faced Alarik nodded, it wasn’t enough time, I could see that in his face, the doubt behind his eyes, but he would try.

I knew two things definitively, the first was that I had been murdered. The second was that I hated Lieutenant Rivera. I tingled with my hatred, molecules I didn’t know I had vibrated with it. Who was this small man to dismiss me so easily? His own petty grudges more important to him than my life. No, I thought, not my life. That was over, now I just had death. A formless existence with massive limitations yes, but maybe also possibilities that I hadn’t even begun to explore. I could go after him, and experiment. I could test the limits of my new existence and break my ghostly baby teeth chewing on his arrogance. I almost followed him then, to pursue his foot prints made by perfectly shined, expensive shoes. I hoped the muddy forest floor ruined them.

Just as I was about to leave the clearing I stopped, for one last look back at my body. With grim faced determination, Alarik, careful not to disturb any evidence, was crouched down taking photos of my too-clean hands. Using his gloved hand, he lifted my limp one, to swab underneath a nail. While there was no dirt there to collect I hoped I had gotten a swipe in, and had my killer’s DNA preserved, just waiting to incriminate.

I wished I had known Alarik when I was alive, he seemed like the kind of guy I would have liked. He was earnest and lacked the kind of ego that so often led men to their own destruction. He had a gentleness to him, I could see it in the way he touched my hand, softly and with respect, even though he knew I could not feel it. I realized then, what a waste it would be to spend all this righteous anger on such a petty little enemy as Rivera, when I had a much bigger one. Alarik didn’t seem to be bothered by his confrontation, he had just dismissed it and gotten on with business. If I truly wanted revenge, on the person that deserved it the most, I had to help him. ……………………………………………………

I didn’t remember dying, I barely even remembered living. There were just snatches that stood out, with a glaring brightness. My life reduced to a highlights reel. The woman sitting opposite Detective Alarik Lavel featured heavily in that reel. She was beautiful, but in a less conventional way. She pushed back her unruly dark blonde hair, it was constantly getting in her face as it curled around her head in kinky medusa curls. How many times had I watched her struggle with it in a mirror while we got ready to go out together? It was one of those crystal clear memories, her bent over, dry shampoo in hand liberally spraying, the scent of it filling her small bathroom. She flipped her head back up, curls bouncing back to life like magic.

“Wow! That stuff really works.” I said with amazement. I knew about the existence of dry shampoo, I had just never thought to use it.

Karlyn smirked, she loved to feel sophisticated, and it was even better when her sophistication was in contrast to my own naivety. “Umm, yeah it’s good stuff. Have you seriously never used dry shampoo?”

I should have felt stung by the condensation, but I didn’t mind it really, I was just happy that she liked me. Her being a little bit mean made her approval feel like it meant more.

Karlyn looked across the bar table at Alarik, eyes twinkling conspiratorially. Her slender fingers swirled the straw in her drink, she never could be still for more than a minute at a time.

“If you want a drink Detective, I won’t tell.”

Alarik studied her, with that intense gaze he has. You can see his brain working sometimes, cataloging information as he observes it. He cataloged Karlyn now, not in a sexual way, but he still had to have noticed her attractiveness. His eyes traveled up from her casually crossed long legs, to her elbow propped up lazily on the table, he followed the line of her arm up to fingers with chipped paint, which tapped her full lips playfully. You’d never guess that an hour ago she had been standing in front of my dead body, stony faced. That’s the thing about Karlyn. Most of the time she was pure expression, but she never showed sadness, and she never showed fear.

“Would it make you feel better if I ordered a drink?” He ask it sincerely, although the words could have easily been sarcastic.

“If I say it would, will you order one?” Karlyn quipped, mouth curling up in a half smile that I was extremely familiar with.

Alarik flagged down a passing waiter, “I’ll take a whiskey neat.” Then he stopped himself, thinking better of it, “Scratch that, I’ll have an IPA.” Apparently remembering that he was supposed to be working, you know, solving my murder.

“So Detective, are you from around here?” Karlyn ever on the offensive, asking questions to the question asker.

He laughed bitterly, “Clearly you aren’t from around here.”

“Complicated history?” Karlyn asked.

“You could say that. My family has a bit of a …. reputation.” Alarik answered.

“Not a good one I take it?” she was intrigued.

“Like you said, it’s complicated.” He left is at that.

Then at a standstill they just sat there in silence looking at each other, each waiting for the other to speak. Alarik’s sensitive brown eyes met Karlyn’s bright blue ones. She had piercing gaze, she saw into your soul, but never the other way around. I thought she would get the better of Alarik, but then something happened and she dropped her guard. Her eyes softened and finally showed a deep sadness within her. Karlyn let him see her then, the real her, underneath all the bravado. That was the person I’d loved, the lonely girl she never let anyone glimpse. Now she had one more reason to be lonely.

“Tell me about yourself.” Alarik finally broke the silence. It wasn’t a question, although given kindly, it was an order all the same.

“Me? I’m a nobody, just a small town girl.”

“And now you’re a small town girl with a dead best friend.”

That took her a bit off track, even after she had seen my body in the morgue, only a few hours ago she had skirted around the issue. Even looking at me had been hard from her, but she’s had to for a moment to identify my body. Her gaze would land anywhere but on me. It was so unlike my fearless and direct friend. That was how I had known that even if she hadn’t broken down in tears, she mourned me.

“Yes, I suppose so.” Karlyn didn’t expand, she wasn’t going to make this that easy for him.

“Do you know if anyone would want to hurt her?”

“Mysa? No way, she was the sweetest. Too sweet for her own good really, sometimes she let people walk all over her. Everyone at work loved her. Anyway, why are you asking, I thought it was an accident, she fell right?”

Well that stung a little, I wasn’t that big a pushover, if anyone was walking on me, it was Karlyn herself! One of the hardest things about being a ghost, I couldn’t talk back, I couldn’t defend myself.

“We haven’t determined what it is yet.” Alarik frowned at that, no doubt thinking he knew exactly what it was. “What about outside of work, any boyfriends?”

Ah yes, I thought, it’s always the partner. Was I that clique?

“Well, no one recently. When we met she was dating a guy. He didn’t last long after, he was a real dickhead to her.” Karlyn said with a scowl.

She had hated him with a passion, but to be fair to her, he was in fact, a real dickhead.

“How was the break up?” Alarik asked, making notes on a little notepad. “Mysa didn’t talk about him much, but she knew I disapproved. He was a drunk, in and out of rehab. That’s how Mysa was, she thought she could save people.”

I wanted to disagree with her, it felt too much like criticism, but she was right, I did try and save people. That particular boyfriend had been a prime example. Poor Keagan just had too many daemons in the end to be saved, but he wasn’t really violent. He got loud a few times, he had scared me just enough for me to leave, and finally not come back after promises of change, but he had never hurt me. He didn’t have that in him, I thought, making excuses for him.

“The ex, had they been in contact recently? How long ago did they break up?”

I wished I could answer his questions instead of her, but my memory was blank for at least the month leading up to my death.

“It was about eight months ago, and maybe she did? I’m not sure, she knew I disapproved of him, so she might not have told me.”

Right, because it was over, I had no reason to talk about him! I hadn’t seen him in months! I was going to have to find a way to communicate, this ethereal muzzle was infuriating.

“Could he have hurt her? Does he have a history of violence that you know of?” Alarik asked.

“Maybe, I know he scared her sometimes. She had a restraining order out against him.”

Well, that was true on a technicality, I had needed to break our lease and that was the only way. He had made some conveniently timed, if completely toothless, threats that I had used to get the order. At the time it hadn’t seemed like a big deal, but that probably wouldn’t look great for him now. Oops, sorry Keagan. Karlyn knew that though, I had definitely told her, thinking she would be proud of my Machiavellian thinking. I had gone to his house and pushed him just enough to get those threats after all. It was something she would do.

“Do you have his last name? Any contact information?” Alarik said, sliding the note pad across the table for her to write it down.

“I don’t remember but it’s easy to find, he’s on her Facebook. You should be able to find him the same way you found me. Just go back in her photos about a year and you’ll see him.”

“Can you point him out?” Alarik pulled out his phone, he had my Facebook page already pulled up.

I was glad I hadn’t bothered to set it as private. Karlyn leaned over to look at the phone he held, their heads bowed over it together within inches, as she scrolled though and pointed out Keagan. There was a tension in the air vibrating between them as their body’s pulled closer together like magnets.

Alarik looked at the picture of me posed in front a waterfall, Keagan kissing my cheek as I took a selfie. That day was one of the flashes of memory I still retained. It had been a good one, he’d been sober for a while. I’d thought I had succeeded in saving him. Alarik nodded and saved the picture, no doubt he’d be looking into the lead soon. Alarik pulled back from Karlyn, contemplating something, “Any idea where her cell phone might be?”

Karlyn looked caught off guard, “You didn’t find it on her? There’s no way she would come all the way from Portland to Astoria without it! I doubt she would have even found her way without GPS. That girl would GPS her way across her own neighborhood just to avoid traffic.”

“We are still looking, do you know if she lost it recently?”

“Well she lost stuff all the time, including her phone, but she texted me the night before, so I doubt it.”

“What did she text you?”

Karlyn looked off for a moment, her mind going somewhere else, then waved away his question with a hand flip, “Oh nothing really.”

Her voice croaked at the end, and I was surprised to see tears forming in her eyes. My strong, brave friend brought low by the mention of texts? I didn’t even remember what they were about, but it couldn’t have been that important. Karlyn was crying now, full tears running down her face. Alarik got a handkerchief out of his jacket pocket, of course he would have one, and handed it across the table to her. She took it but didn’t let go of his hand. She clung to it like a lifeline while she buried her face in her other hand, hiding herself with his handkerchief.

I felt bad for her, I really did. We had both been through a lot in the last twenty-four hours, and I was even glad she was letting down her guard a little and actually feeling some emotion. Unfortunately that wasn’t what I needed right now. I needed the steely bitch that never showed fear. I also needed her to stop distracting my detective. I had been used to her getting all the attention when I was alive, but really? She even had to steal my detective? This was getting out of hand. So far I had just been watching and waiting. Hoping that Alarik would find all the answers and I could just go along for the ride. Clearly that was not going to get me anywhere, so time to take things into my own hands.

Then I remembered I didn’t have hands. This presented a problem, but I was going to have to come up with something, and quickly. I saw it in her purse, reflecting light with a twinkle, my spare apartment key. I’d forgotten that I had given Karlyn one, she didn’t use it often, but I was worried I would lock myself out so I had given her one. Alarik needed more information, I didn’t know what might be in my apartment that would help him, but maybe he would find something. I just had to get him there. I jingled the keys.

Or rather, I tried to, it was mostly unsuccessful. They did move, but just a tiny bit, not enough to make any kind of audible noise, in the somewhat rowdy bar. I tried harder. There was more movement this time, but still not enough to be heard. I would basically have to pick them up and shake the keys in their faces for them to hear with everything else going on. I could barely even move them, the soft little nudges I’ve gotten so far had taken enormous ghostly effort. Haunting was surprisingly hard.

“I should go.” Karlyn said, finishing the rest of her drink in one swig. Apparently she’d had enough of crying in public.

She reached down to pick up her purse, my opportunity vanishing. They were just there, dangling half out of the purse. What if I just pulled a little?

The keys hit the ground with a tinkling.

“Your keys.” Alarik said bending over to retrieve them for her.

He held them out to her, and I silently screamed in frustration as he almost gave them back without getting it. As she was about to take them from him, he paused, looking down at them he frowned. There it was! I could see his mind working.

“Is one of these hers?”

“What?”

“Is one of these keys Mysa’s? Like a spare. You were best friends right? Maybe she gave you a key to her apartment?”

Karlyn stopped, her delicate skin growing even whiter. “Yes.”

Alarik smiled, “Well then what are we waiting for?” ……………………………………………………..

It feels very strange to watch people go through your things when they don’t think you can see them. I wondered, is this what people watching burglars on security cameras felt? No. It was worse, because these weren’t nameless strangers possibly judging my housekeeping as they ransacked my apartment looking for loot. They were actually there to judge me. They were looking for something bad, something that I did wrong enough to lead to my own murder. I wanted them to find it too, even if it was embarrassing to watch them look. If they could.

“She wasn’t much of a house keeper.” Karlyn told Alarik apologetically.

“Well, she probably wasn’t expecting company.” Alarik said, cementing forever my love of him.

Karlyn raised an eyebrow at that, “I can assure you, it didn’t look much better when she was.”

Bitch. Sometimes she just couldn’t help herself. Her place wasn’t that much neater either! I really hated not being able to argue. See, I wasn’t a pushover.

“Well it might help us, messy people tend to leave important things laying out somewhere obvious. Look for any paperwork, photos, if she had one, a computer.” Alarik instructed.

“I don’t think she had one. If she did, she didn’t use it much, everything was on her phone.”

As she said it, for a split second Karlyn’s eyes darted over to my couch. She knew I had a computer, she was right I didn’t use it much, but she knew I had one, and she knew where it was. Why wasn’t she telling him?

“Even if she didn’t use it, her phone might be backed up on it. Most of them automatically do that these days.” He explained.

We got together every Thursday night, Karlyn and I, to watch a show that was both ridiculously stupid but also fun. We liked being mean girls and making fun of the earnest people looking for love. We were cynical, and sometimes a little bit cruel, but it made us feel better. We would drink wine and ridicule, then whine about how there were no good men left.

“Well, I’m empty.” Karlyn said getting up to run to the kitchen for more wine.

“Careful!” I said as she almost stepped on my laptop.

It was on the floor, halfway tucked under the couch. By the time I said something her foot was already resting on it. She looked down in surprise, then back up at me.

“Who keeps their computer on the ground!”

“Clearly, me.” I said defensively, and a little sarcastic.

“Ok, why you weirdo?” Her favorite affectionate insult.

“Because, when I’m using it on the couch, I get tired and tuck it under the couch until I get up later, only then I forget about it. Obviously.” I explained in a tone that let her know, she was in fact the idiot here.

Karlyn rolled her eyes at me, “Obviously.”

Then she got us some more wine.

Karlyn sat on my couch and looked up at Alarik, who had begun shuffling through some papers lying haphazardly on my desk.

“She was behind on bills.” He said casually.

“You don’t make much on hotel front desk wages.” Karlyn explained defensively. I appreciated the sentiment, but given that we made the same amount and spent the same amount on cheap clothes and cheaper wine, I knew she was as hard off financially as I was. Perhaps, she was defending herself as much as me.

“She wasn’t killed for her money,” Karlyn stated the obvious.

“Love then?” Alarik asked, wondering over to my refrigerator to examine the few photos I had hanging from magnets.

“If it was secret, maybe,” Karlyn said with a shrug, “but she didn’t tell me about any new lovers.”

As Alarik examined my photos, Karlyn slid the laptop further under the couch with her shoe. That bitch. What was on there that she didn’t want him to see? I mentally cataloged all the various shenanigan we had gotten up to. The trouble was, I didn’t have great recall. My life before was still mostly a blur. Was it drugs? What had we been into together? I wracked my, well not brain, but shattered memories trying to come up with something, but has escaped me.

I understood her need for self-preservation. It had bonded us together early. She didn’t talk about her past very often, but when she did, I could see the darkness behind her eyes. Her childhood had not been kind. That she had survived it with any kind of sense of humor and kindness was really a marked accomplishment. She was kind. I know that I have not painted her out to be so far, but underneath her air of superiority was a ferocious caring. She might mock me occasional herself, but she was protective too. Fiercely so.

“Would she tell you? If she were seeing someone that she shouldn’t be?” Alarik asked, moving on from the refrigerator.

There was nothing interesting on it, just photos of my family and a few of myself and Karlyn off on our sometimes adventures. One magnet that said, “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels” that my mother bought me. I had never believed it.

“If you had asked me that yesterday I would have said yes, we told each other everything.” Karlyn answered, again lying.

I told her everything. She couldn’t say the same.

“But now, I don’t know…. something had to have happened. Unless it really was just an accident?” Karlyn lifted her voice hopefully.

“It doesn’t look like it.”

I agreed with him, I had to. His logic was sound, yes, but it was more than that. I remembered the feeling. Not anything about it, just the emotion. The horror and the anger. It existed out of time for me, just hovering between being, and then not being. I had felt something like it only once before, locked in my own bathroom with my cell phone trying to decide if I should call the police. Finally, when Keagan said he would shoot himself it they came for him and banged on the door again, screaming at me to come out, I did. I called 911 and got hold music. So, I hung up and called Karlyn. Why do I remember this clearly, but not what is on my computer? I don’t know but my only guess is that it was fiercely emotional. I had never felt blind panic and absolutely helplessness like that before until a year later when someone hit me over the head with a rock and then tossed by body into a ravine. She had answered right away, score one Karlyn, zero emergency services.

“Just stay in there, I’ll be right over,” She ordered.

“No, you shouldn’t come. He’s not right, he might, I don’t know, he might do something,” I warned her in a panic, “He’s threatening to shoot himself.”

She laughed then, actually laughed in the face of my terror, “He’s welcome to, good riddance.”

“Karlyn, it’s not funny, I’m really scared!”

She softened then, “Of course you are baby girl, I’ll be right there just hold on.”

She could do that; make you feel better about anything with one heartfelt “Baby Girl” said in just the right tone. So, I breathed deeply and felt the panic start to subside.

“No, no I can handle him, he’s probably all talk anyway, you know how he gets when he drinks,” I brushed away my fears.

“Stay in the bathroom, Mysa. I’m on my way.”

That was the last night I saw him. She did come and with firm authority handle him, he was half passed out by the time she got there anyway. That’s the good thing about drunks, they tire quickly when they keep drinking, and Keagan always kept drinking. She escorted me out, grabbing a few things to stay at her place. Then the next day we went back for the rest after she determined he wasn’t there. I went back to that apartment only once, to get enough evidence of threat to obtain a restraining order. I presented it to my landlord along with my notice that I would no longer be a tenant in his properties. She showed me how.

Alarik sighed, he had just been through my entire apartment (except underneath the couch) and found nothing. He sat himself across from Karlyn in my little living room. All he had to do was look down and he would see my computer, but who could take their eyes off her?

“Struck out?” She asked him.

“If Mysa had secrets, she didn’t keep them here,” he responded with an air of defeat.

“You asked me if she would tell me about a new man in her life earlier,” Karlyn said, “and she would, she absolutely would tell me about any new man. The man she would keep a secret is the old one.”

“You think she was seeing her ex again? The one she got a restraining order against?” He looked confused.

“She might have. I like to think she knew better, but it wouldn’t have been the first time she went back to him after he got sober.”

I hated to admit it, but she was right. I had, in the past, believed him when he said he was done for good.

“I know it sounds stupid, but she blamed herself a little bit for his drinking. He had been sober for two years when they met.” Karlyn explained, justifying my behavior in a way she never had let me, when I was alive.

“Still, why would she blame herself?” Alarik asked, clearly never having been in a relationship with someone suffering from addiction.

“Maybe because it was easier than blaming him? Because if she blamed herself, then she could go on loving him, even when he did and said terrible things. She told herself it was the alcohol talking, and it was her fault he was drinking in the first place.”

“She believed it was her responsibility to get him sober?” Alarik asked, he was getting it now.

“Yes, and she saw Sober Keagan as a different person than Drunk Keagan. If Sober Keagan found her, he might have convinced her to take him back.”

“Ah, so kind of a Jeckle and Hide thing? But why wouldn’t she have told you?”

“Because she thought I’d judge her, we went through a lot together to get her out of that relationship, and for her to just go back, well she might have been right. I probably would have judged her.”

Karlyn looked grief stricken. I could tell she blamed herself. I wanted to tell her not to. I tried to tell her not to. I sat my formless self down on the couch next to her and placed my ghostly hand over her solid one. She shivered a little and moved it. I could provide no comfort now.

“So, she might have gotten back together with him, then Sober Keagan, becomes Drunk Keagan and kills her?” Alarik pondered the theory, “But was he violent enough to kill her?”

“I would have said no, before. He was an asshole, no doubt, but kind of all bark and no bite. I don’t think he ever actually hit her, just yelled horrible things at her and punched the walls.” Karlyn said, looking troubled.

“That kind of thing can escalate quickly. He’s the best suspect I’ve got at this point. Any idea how to reach him?” Alarik asked, resigned.

“No, none, if he’s on Facebook he’s blocked me and is private. Maybe she would have told someone else though, I wasn’t her only friend at the hotel, damn, she was friends with everyone.”

……………………………….

Karlyn exaggerated that, I wasn’t actually friends with very many people at all, maybe five or six, the rest were all just friendly acquaintances. I had a crushing need to be liked by everyone, which led me to having a lot of superficial relationships and not many real ones. It also meant I was a gossip. I had learned early on that if you want to be liked by people, have the best dish. When you talk shit on everyone, well then you never really get that close to anyone, Karlyn being the exception to this rule. The irony of this being, that now of course, news of my untimely demise was the biggest dish in the history of all dishes.

“Yeah, he was around here and there, sorry Kar, she asked me not to say anything to you. Knowing how you felt about him. I’m sure she would have told you eventually, just wanted to make sure it, you know, worked out.” One of those casual work friends of mine, Brian said unable to look Karlyn in the eye he fiddled with a pen, pretending to work on something behind the desk.

Alarik had booked a room at my hotel, well I guess now it was my former hotel. I imagined the ticking clock in him like the crocodile in Peter Pan, tick, tick, ticking away right at his heartbeat. It felt so strange to be here this way, it felt strange to be at the hotel when I wasn’t working. Being dead was that feeling times a million. All my co-workers, going on about their jobs that now had nothing to do with me. I do think they looked a little bit sad now. No one was crying uncontrollably, they didn’t have a giant memorial at the front desk complete with a glamorized picture of me and scented candles but it was there around the edges. No one was laughing, normally there was laughter here. Two servers I knew by sight but not name whispered to each other across the lobby in the restaurant, looking at Karlyn. Everyone knew we had been best friends, so I guess it was strange for her too.

“It’s ok Brian, we just need to know what happened now,” Karlyn reached a hand across the desk to still his meaningless scribbles as she said it

. Brian looked up now, and despite my earlier observation, did have tears welling up. Aw, I was touched, we hadn’t been that close. I guess you never know who likes you, until your dead.

“When was he here?” Alarik asked, pushing the box of tissues on the counter to Brian.

Brian took one, more for something to hold on to than to try his unshed tears. “A few times, the first time he had a ton of roses, Mysa was clearly surprised. She took a long lunch and went off with him. When she came back she looked really happy, glowing really. I joked with her about having a nooner.”

“And the other times?” Alarik asked, notebook at the ready.

“Oh nothing major, he came to have lunch with her a few more times, pick her up after her shift, that kind of thing. There was no drama if that’s what you’re asking.” Brian shrugged off the question.

“How long ago? When was the last time you saw him?” Alarik asked, jotting down notes.

“Oh last week, I don’t remember which day, he was in and out a lot the last month. They seemed really happy.” Brian broke now, tears streamed down his face.

I wished I could remember this, it was so strange how I remembered watching trash TV with Karlyn three months ago, but not getting back together with my ex-boyfriend a month ago. Now that Brian said it though, it was coming back a little. I remembered the roses. I remembered being happy, but worried and a little scared. Had I been scared of Keagan? Or was I scared of Karlyn’s reaction to me being with him again? Probably, both had worried me. As it turned out, maybe not unfounded worry.

“Anything else? Did she ever talk about their relationship?” Karlyn asked, hopefully.

“Just the normal stuff, and of course to tell me not to tell you about him.” Brian answered, still sniffling. Ok Brian, calm down we weren’t that close.

“Thanks.” Alarik said, “Anyone else that would know anything here today?” “Just her,” Brian said, nodding to Karlyn

. …………………………………………..

Now I had to wonder, could he have hurt me? If we really had gotten back together, then, like he always had before, he started drinking again. I would have tried to end things, I knew I would have. I might have taken him back sober, sure. He could be so charming, so sweet, with his winning grim, dimpling at the corners. I would have melted when he came in to surprise me at work with a dozen roses. I remembered the roses. They had been a delicate pink, almost white, and very full. Not the typical long stem reds, these had been voluptuous and a little wild. It was coming back to me in waves now. We had gone out to his car to talk, and sitting in the front seat he had told me he got them because they reminded him of me. That had done it, I’d been putty.

“Well, what do you think?” Karlyn asked Alarik, that classic eye brow raised.

She had plopped herself onto his hotel bed, while he was at the desk setting up his laptop and notes. It sounds more intimate than it was, there were only the two seating options.

“It was him, I know it was him.” She said angrily, answering her own question before he had a chance to.

“Maybe, all we have is circumstantial, and even that is thin at best, but I agree, he’s worth looking into.” Alarik said cautiously.

“Great! When do we go?” Karlyn sat up straight, like she was ready to charge out of the room and knock down Keagan’s door at any moment.

“We don’t go, I will do some research and look him up tomorrow. You are a civilian.”

Karlyn did stand up now, she walked the few feet between him slowly, her long legs slinking against each other. She was stalking him like a cat, as he typed away at the desk, his back turned from her.

“But Detective,” she purred, “we make such a good team.”

She had reached him now, she slid a delicate finger along the nape of his neck. Just one little touch, but it crossed a line that couldn’t be walked back. Alarik froze in place, his eyes widened in shock, then deepened. I could see it in his face how much he liked her touch. How long had it been since he had been touched, I wondered. He closed his eyes then resigned to what he had to do, what his honor required of him, even if it did betray the desires of his body. He shrugged her away, but by leaning into her, moving her finger from his neck, but in doing so he held her hand. I could feel the air buzzing with them, their essence. It pulsed all around us. Alarik stood up, meeting her height for height so that they stood facing each other, just inches apart. He had meant to stop her, but somehow found himself even closer. The tension between them pulled me in like gravity.

They just stood there for a long moment, locked in a silent conflict that took place only in the eyes. Karlyn opened herself up to him, showing him her most vulnerable self. She was grieving yes, but that made her yearn for him all the more. I could feel it coming off her, the sadness and lust all mixed up together. To Alarik it was a perfect cocktail, matching his loneliness and fear. He couldn’t help it any more than I could when she pulled him in close. We both delved into her, him with his lips, crushing hers, their tongues meeting, tasting each other, and I straight into the core of her. I didn’t do it on purpose, I would never have crossed a line like that willfully but as she opened up to draw him in, she unknowingly laid a trap for me as well. She pulled me straight to her, right through her.

I could feel his lips on mine, feel his arms wrapped around me, crushing my body to his. He was so firm, and strong. I could feel my hand between us, still gripping his shirt from when I had wrapped it around his collar and pulled him into me for a kiss. Only these weren’t my lips, this wasn’t my hand. They were hers. I came back to my own sense of self slowly as the intensity of the connection faded just a little. I was still inside her, riding in the back of her mind. I could feel what she felt, I imagine I could see what she saw as well, but her eyes were closed in the passion of the moment. Then Alarik pulled back, and she did open her eyes. For the first time I saw him with living eyes. He was stunning, and so very sad. He looked at me, at her really, and shook his head clear.

“I can’t, we can’t. Not like this, not before it’s over.” He stammered.

Then I finally saw her, my best friend of over a year, she finally showed herself to me in a way I had never imagined. Rage flooded over her, absolute and total, she rang with it. I could feel her sly thoughts working their way through.

“Just a little longer,” they hissed and slithered across her mind like snakes.

I fled her body, shock jarring me lose. Never would I have guessed the darkness she held inside herself. She contained multitudes. You would never know it by her face. She smiled at him prettily, “Of course, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve embarrassed myself now.”

“No, no, it was my fault, I shouldn’t have…. But I wanted to, I want to, but after. I have to solve the case first, then there won’t be a conflict.” Alarik said, his heart still pounding with excitement so hard I could hear it.

I realized then, that I could hear a lot of things. I could see things much more clearly now too. I wasn’t solid by any means, but I did feel somehow, heavier. Whatever had just happened, what I had done, jumping into her like that, I must have syphoned something off her. Some vital part of the living I had taken away with me when I fled her mind. Well, this was an interesting development.

“Well then, Detective, you better solve the case fast,” Karlyn said, her lips curling into a cruelly seductive smile.

I saw her differently now that I had a peek into her psych. What had once seemed mysterious now just looked evil. When I had thought was humor, now looked like malice.

. Alarik smiled back at her, “I certainly will.”

Alarik escorted her to his door ushering her out. They paused at the doorway, again looking deep into each other’s eyes. I wanted to scream at him, “It’s all fake!”

Alarik shut the door with a disappointed sigh

. ……………………………………..

Alarik sat on the bed with his face in his hand, he sighed again, breathing out the last of his distraction he got up and we to the bathroom to splash cold water on his face. I guess he didn’t have time for the whole shower. I followed him there, standing in the door way and watched him study himself in the mirror. I wondered what he saw. I had to warn him, somehow. I had to tell him that she wasn’t who he thought she was. I couldn’t be sure that she had killed me, I still didn’t remember that much, and maybe it was Keagan, he might have that kind of boiling rage in him too, but she wasn’t safe either. So I focused, maybe if I tried hard enough that heaviness I felt could be translated to sight.

Alarik saw me, I was sure of it. He has been studying himself in the mirror, but then his focus shifted to the right, just over his own shoulder where I was forcing myself into solidity. He could see my reflection right next to his, and yet, he didn’t react. I would accept many responses to someone seeing a ghost, particularly the ghost of the girl whose murder they are investigating, but literally no response was not one of them.

“Umm, Hello!?” I think ghosts are supposed to be all spooky and mysterious, but I wasn’t going to change who I was just because I was dead.

He sighed again, then turned slowly, rolled his eyes, and left the bathroom. Stunned I followed him.

“Excuse me!” I said offended, “It’s me, Mysa, the one who died?” I don’t know why I said it like a question, like he wouldn’t remember me.

He looked up from the paper he was reading, “Obviously.”

Well this certainly took the wind out of my triumphant sails, “Ummm, I’ve come to warn you.”

Now why couldn’t I manage to sound confident in death, I was a ghost god damnit. I had managed to overcome death itself, but I still couldn’t put a sentence together in the face of an indifferent man.

He sighed, “Well what is it then?”

Shouldn’t he be more interested? Oh well, nothing to do but soldier on now.

“Karlyn, she’s not who you think she is.”

He shook his head slowly, “Why do you always do this to me? Anytime I might get close to some kind of happiness you have to come and ruin it!”

Now I was very confused, “What? We just, ummmm, met.”

“Oh, sure this face is new, every time you wear a different face, trying to convince me your someone new, but I know who you are,” He growled angrily.

This I definitely had not expected, “Who am I then?” I demanded.

I was getting angry now too.

“Just me, just my subconscious, here to torture me, my slow decent into madness. The good ol’ Lavel family curse.” He said bitterly.

“No! I’m me! I’m Mysa!”

I really had not been prepared to defend my own identity. Although, looking at it logically, he was right. Which was more likely, that he was hallucinating, or that ghosts were real and the one that happened to belong to his murder victim was appearing to help him with his case….

“How can I prove it to you?” I ask him.

“Tell me something only you would know, something provable.” He challenged.

“My laptop is under my couch.” Well, I guess Karlyn covering it turned out to be for the best after all

. ……………………………………….

After my big reveal Alarik proceeded to completely ignore it. Apparently he decided to, “Pursue actual leads” and not “follow the instructions of my deranged sub-consonsciousness”. Whatever. I was interested in finding out more about the Keagan element anyway, and that’s the “actual lead” that he decided to follow up on.

It was surprisingly easy for Alarik to track Keagan down. For all his faults he had managed to hold a job down at the same company for the past five years. A quick search through the criminal data base was all Alarik needed. So there we were waiting in a dusty parking lot waiting for Keagan to emerge on his lunch break. Me peppering Alarik with questions, him ignoring me and obsessively checking his watch. I guess the ticking time bomb of his forty-eight hour deadline was weighing on him. Good.

Keagan came out from the industrial warehouse in his typical work clothes, a ratty t-shirt, jeans that looked like they had been tortured for information, and dirty, sturdy work boots. His tall frame was stooped in a somewhat defensive posture, and his normally bright eyes cast downward. Alarik hadn’t told him what he wanted to discuss only that it was about me. I guess he hadn’t wanted to break the news to Keagan that his ex-and-maybe-current girlfriend was dead over the phone. Maybe Alarik wanted to see his reaction when he found out. Whatever his reasoning he still didn’t tell him, not in that parking lot. Which did seem fair, I don’t think there is a good place to find out your girlfriend is dead, but a parking lot with a used condom three feet away was probably the worst place. At least pretty high up on the list.

“Detective Lavel?” Keagan asked, even though that was pretty obvious given that Alarik was the only one within three miles of this place not wearing work boots (or a thong, there was a strip club across the street. This was Portland after all, thongs are never very far away.)

Alarik just nodded in reply.

“Anywhere around here we can go to speak more… comfortably?” Alarik said, eyeing the lot.

Keagan led Alarik to the dinner down the street. I remembered the place, I’d met him here for many lunch breaks, or quick dinners after work. It was in a strip mall but surprisingly homey anyway. They settled into our favorite booth, as I mournfully eyed a cinnamon roll one table over, they had been my favorite, the size of your head, gooey with butter and icing. I hated being dead.

“So what’s the matter with Mysa?” Keagan, always quick to the point.

Alarik took a moment to gather himself, looking down at the table. Keagan might be a suspect but he had also (presumably) cared about me. Unless he killed me. I didn’t think he had, but if I was honest with myself I wasn’t sure.

Alarik looked up to meet Keagan’s eyes, “When was the last time you spoke to her?”

“Sunday.” Keagan didn’t volunteer information much, even when he wasn’t talking to a cop.

“What did you do?” Alarik said prodding.

“We had dinner, saw a movie. What does it matter?” Keagan said angrily, “Where is Mysa?”

“Her body was found off a hiking trail in Astoria yesterday morning.” Alarik gave it to him straight, no flowery words or apologies.

The blood drained for Keagan’s face. He sat in silence, stunned. I knew him well, he wasn’t faking this reaction. I’d never known him to fake any reaction. I went to sit down next to him, to try and comfort him, even though he couldn’t see me, but before I could he slid out of the booth and stormed out the door. He wasn’t fleeing, he just couldn’t stand to be in that dinner one more second. He climbed into his old rusted truck, and pounded the steering wheel yelling fuck over and over again. He had never coped well with strong emotions, my old apartment had holes in the wall as evidence of this. Alarik followed him out, I think he was afraid Keagan was going to leave, but he slowed seeing him in his truck, clearly grieving in as private a place he could get at short notice. Alarik approached slowly, I don’t think he wanted to disturb the man, but he still had questions. So he just awkwardly stood on the side walk, averting his eyes as Keagan worked out the worst of it. Anger finally spend, he came back to himself and noticed Alarik still waiting. Wiping his eyes, because yes he had cried, Keagan opened the truck door and slid out.

“Ready to go back inside?” Alarik asked gently.

“I can’t go back in there.” Unspoken was the grief, that was our place, he couldn’t just go back in there now, he might never set foot in that restaurant again.

“Ok, we can talk in my car. I still have more questions.”

Keagan nodded, and followed Alarik to his nondescript, but still somehow identifiable “cop” car.

“How did she die?” Keagan asked quietly.

“We are still trying to determine that,” Alarik said carefully, “Where were you yesterday morning?”

“You mean someone killed her?” Keagan looked up dark eyes flashing with a barely contained violence, ignoring the question.

“I’m looking into that possibility, yes.” Alarik said as diplomatically as possible.

“I was at work, you can check, but it doesn’t matter. I know who killed her, it was that bitch, Karlyn.” Keagan spat, in his anger it didn’t even occur to him to be defensive, that this cop might think he had done it.

I the up until this point silent third party sitting in the back seat, piped up now, even though only one of them could hear me.

“See, I told you! Now can we go get my laptop?”

Alarik was still unconvinced, but he confirmed that Keagan really was at work. His schedule starts early, and he arrives even earlier, so there was no way he could have killed me, then gotten back to Portland from Astoria, and still made it to work by 4AM. I was relieved, I hadn’t wanted it to be him. Memories were starting to come back. Nothing from the time I actually died, or even leading up to it, but I remembered him now. I might have been stupid to take him back. He had certainly gotten sober, then fallen off the wagon just as I was starting to trust him before, and maybe that would happen again, but now I would never know.

Alarik turned to face me in the back seat when I spoke, which must have looked very odd to Keagan. Alarik caught himself before replying to the woman only he could see, and told Keagan he could go. Then once safely in the car alone he turned to me again.

“I suppose I’m out of options anyway. Let’s go break into your apartment.”

"Oh Alarik,” I said with a sly smile, “I had more than one spare key.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

I would have thought that showing Alarik exactly where I hid my spare key, and leading him directly to my lap top would have convinced him of the reality, but he still persisted in the idea that I was a manifestation of his own mind. For each new discovery he had an explanation.

“Lots of people hide spare keys under their welcome mat” and “I must have seen your computer when I was here before and just not completely registered it.’

“Well ok, Mr. Wise-Guy, how about this, what’s my computer password?” I asked him.

He sat there, looking at the prompting screen. He didn’t have an answer, and he wouldn’t be able to guess. It wasn’t that original, my childhood pet and some random numbers and punctuation, but it wasn’t anything he knew about either. So when I finally told him, after watching him sweat, and it worked, he looked at me in stunned amazement. It was such a little thing, but the implications for him were enormous. He wasn’t crazy.

“So you’re real.” He stated it with reverence.

“I’m real.” I confirmed.

“I’m sorry, I just…. How could….. It just doesn’t make any sense. But how else would I know that?” He ask himself.

“It’s ok.” I responded to the question he wasn’t really asking me.

“Well now what?” He asked, this time it was for me.

“You tell me Detective.”

“But don’t you know? Who killed you?” he asked me, bewildered.

“I don’t remember anything about that morning, or even that week,” I admitted to him, “but I agree with Keagan. I think it was Karlyn.”

“But why? She was your best friend, what possible motive could she have to want you dead?”

Alarik couldn’t marry the image of her as a murderer with the charming seductress he had begun to have feelings for. She was like that, before you knew it she had drawn you in.

“I don’t know exactly, she did love me, as a friend I mean. I loved her too, but she could be possessive. If she had found out I was dating Keagan again… but I don’t know. That still doesn’t seem like a good enough reason.” I stumbled through my words, as confused by it as he was, and yet sure I was on to something.

He just nodded, contemplating.

“When you kissed, in the hotel room, I sort of… got pulled in.” I said hesitantly. I really did not want to have to admit to him I had possessed her sort of, but I didn’t see a way out of it. He needed to know what I had seen in her.

“You got, drawn in?” He said confused.

“The passion, I guess it affected me somehow, there was an opening and I was sucked in. For a minute it was like, I was her,” I admitted, “I could see a darkness in her. Even then, even when she was kissing you, it was like she was drowning in this dark ocean. The evil of it shocked me right out of her.”

“Every part of that is awful,” he said with distaste.

I could tell he wanted to reprimand me, but wasn’t sure how. What would he say? “Don’t go around possessing people, even if you think they might have murdered you,” or better yet, “Don’t possess people that I happen to be making out with.” He couldn’t say any of that, because then he would have to address the fact that he was kissing someone that might have murdered me, while he was supposed to be concentrating on solving said murder. Basically, we were both in the wrong here.

“It probably was, but what I saw in her, that’s important,” I explained, “before that I would have said there was no way she could have done this, but now. Yeah. She could have, it’s in her.”

Alarik examined my computer, now that he had the password, going through programs I didn’t know I had.

“Did you back up your phone on here?” He asked me.

“No, I don’t think so,” I said, “for a millennial I was pretty technically challenged”

“Where is your phone? Do you remember that?” he asked.

“No, I’m sorry I wish I did,” I said regretfully, “but Karlyn was telling the truth about that, I always had it on me, there is zero chance I would have left town without it. So it’s either still in the woods, or Karlyn has it.”

He continued fiddling around with my computer, pulling up my carrier’s website he went to the find my phone feature that I didn’t even know I had.

He sighed, “It’s not pulling up, so it’s either dead, or destroyed.”

“So, it was her.” I said definitively.

“But without your phone I have no proof,” He asked, “I can’t just go around accusing people of murder on the word of a ghost. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I already have a bit of a reputation.”

“Yeah, what’s with that?”

I had been wondering. It’s hard to get the full picture when all you can do is eavesdrop.

“Well, I thought I was hallucinating, maybe going crazy. There is a streak of crazy in the Lavels” He answered quietly, clearly still grappling with the implications of me not actually being a hallucination.

“What about your uncle? That asshole Rivera brought him up.”

“You were there for that? But I couldn’t see you…” He said surprised.

“I was. You couldn’t see me until after you and Karlyn… Well I seemed to have gained something from that. Gotten stronger somehow,” I explained nervously, “So then I was able to make you see me.”

I didn’t like bringing up the whole “I possessed a girl you were kissing” thing again, but he needed an explanation.

“Oh,” was all he said to that, so I needn’t have feared a lecture, he was too caught up in his own drama to be concerned about mine.

“But your uncle, what happened?” I persisted, I really wanted to know.

“He killed a guy, said a woman told him to do it, that he needed to avenge her, everyone always said he was crazy, but now I’m wondering, maybe he was right.” “Don’t worry Detective, I won’t ask you to kill Karlyn.”

He looked relieved at that, but we still were at a dead end. Without proof. Then I remembered, I’m a ghost.

“But, I could try haunting her.” I exclaimed.

Alarik looked at me confused, “What, to scare her to death?”

“No, but if she did kill me, I bet there is proof of it, or at least of why she would want to,” I explained, “If you had a motive, could you get a warrant?”

“Maybe, it would have to be good,” he answered, “I don’t know if you noticed, but Rivera isn’t exactly cooperative.”

“Yeah, what’s up with that dickhead anyway?” I asked, happy for the opening, I hadn’t forgotten that he was still an enemy, if only a petty one.

“Well, for one thing he is next in line for the Chief spot, and he’s afraid me coming to town is going to ruin that for him, seeing that I’m vastly more qualified. But it goes back farther than that. The man my uncle killed? It was his older brother.”

“Well, fuck.”

“Fuck, indeed,” he agreed

. …………………………………………….

Between the two of us we devised a plan. He would go back to Astoria and look for my phone in the forest where my body had been found, and I would go pay Karlyn a little visit. We hoped that between us we might find something to incriminate her, and I think he needed to see the proof too. I had convinced him enough for him to agree to look into her, but part of him still was reluctant to believe she had killed me.

“There will be funeral costs, I need that money now!” Karlyn was speaking into her phone as I silently entered her apartment.

I couldn’t quite make out the other voice, but based on her facial expressions, she wasn’t pleased with his answer.

“Of course it was an accident. They are closing the case tomorrow, I just need to get started processing the paperwork, I’m going to have to take possession of the body, and I need to have somewhere to send it. Somewhere that I am going to have to pay.” Her tone growing louder with every word.

More garbled words from whoever she was talking to.

“What exactly is the point of life insurance if I can’t actually get the money when I need it?”

Well, now that was interesting. I’d never signed up for life insurance. Like any twenty-five year old I had assumed I was immortal and had no use for it. I smelled a motive.

“Fine, but I better have that check the second they rule it an accident!” She said as she forcefully hung up on the man.

So, I had been murdered for money after all, how pedestrian. I may not have found the cell phone, but now I had something better. Motive. It stung, that it was this shallow a thing. She had been my best friend, I probably cared more about her than anyone else in the world, and she had killed me for a payout. I hoped it was more than that, even though homicidal jealousy wasn’t exactly a good thing at least that would have mean she cared, maybe too much. This was so much worse. I wondered if it had all been an act, our friendship just a means to an end for her.

Armed with my new found knowledge, I needed to tell Alarik. This was proof! I assumed things like life insurance were public record. I wondered how much it would be for, how much had my life been worth to her? At least he would be able to find it, establish clear motive and with that get a warrant that would hopefully turn up even more proof. I wanted her dead, if I was honest with myself, but rotting in prison was at least some kind of justice. But, how could I find him?

Coming back to Portland had been easy. I just rode in the car with him, but now I was stuck. It’s not like I could drive a car, or even use a phone to tell him to come and get me. Karlyn had no reason to get anywhere near that town, in fact I’m sure she would avoid it. When we parted, Alarik and I, we had failed to address this little technicality. An omission that was uncharacteristic of him, although, less so for me. Perhaps, he thought I could go to him. POP! Just Casper my way out of nowhere. I paused, caught by the thought. Maybe I could.

I wasn’t sure how this should go, or if I even could, but I was tied to him somehow. I think that him just being present at my murder scene might have had something to do with why I was still here. After all, I didn’t “come-to” until he was there. If my tie to life wasn’t linked to him, shouldn’t I have been aware as soon as I was killed? Maybe that tie could help me now. So I concentrated on him, on that connection. It was there buried in me, a thread that connected us. If I looked for it I could feel him, a light a little brighter than anything else around. He pulsed at me, radiating even from a hundred miles away in the forests of Astoria. So I followed the thread. Not physically but I went deeper into the darkness that was at my core. Into the unknown black I traveled though until, POP! (well it was more of a gentle shimmer) there I was, right in front of him.

……………………………………………

It was strange to be back here in this clearing. No, strange was the wrong word, painful. It was painful, knowing what I knew now, that the person I trusted the most had killed me, right here on this forest path. I looked around and saw, what before had been mostly a blur. The forest was beautiful, green, and teeming with life. I could feel all the little heartbeats of the creatures surrounding me, down to the knits flitting around the wet ferns. There was a steep rocky bluff to one side of the pathway where Alarik stood, and the deep foliage covered ravine, that my body had tumbled down, on the other. So I had been standing, probably right about here, when what? Had she snuck up behind me, clocked me over the head? Had she used the bloody rock by head had been lying on when Alarik found my body?

He was moving around the edges of the pathway, metal detector in hand, scanning for that precious in hopefully incrementing object. It was still possible that Karlyn had it, but I didn’t think so. Things were started to clear up for me, as I found out the truth of what happened, the memory of it also seemed to draw closer. I didn’t know why exactly, but I knew that phone was important. Alarik’s metal detector beeped a high pitch warning, it had found something.

He bent down to examine whatever he had found, still oblivious to my presence. If I had breath it would have caught in my throat, hoping that he had found it. Alas, he picked up a loose penny some hiker had dropped, looking as dejected as I felt. Then he saw me on the pathway in front of him and gave a start. He hadn’t been expecting me to find him.

“How did you get here?” He demanded.

I was a tad bit offended. What? He wasn’t happy to see me?

“I just followed the yellow brick road I guess.” I answered sarcastically, mostly to cover for the fact that I had no idea how I got here.

“I take it you struck out.” I said in a fairly mean tone, given that he was trying to help me. I guess I was in a bad mood.

His lips formed a thin line, and eyes narrowed at me, “It may not even be here. I take it you struck out too?”

“It’s here.” I don’t know how I knew, but I did. With certainty. “But, no actually I did not strike out, I found motive.” I said.

Alarik’s expression changed, eyes widening in surprise, and a bit of sadness, he had still been hoping it wouldn’t be her.

“What was it?” he asked.

“She has a life insurance policy for me,” I spat it out, like the bitter thing it was. His eyes widened even more and he whistled, “Damn, that’s cold.”

“Yeah, I thought so too,” again my comfort blanket of sarcasm.

“I know it stings, but this is good news,” he said to my raised eyebrows, “it’s verifiable.”

I just nodded.

“Rivera can’t deny this, especially if we can prove it was fraudulent,” he continued, “You never signed the paperwork right?”

“Of course not!” I protested.

“So then, she planned it, she forged you signature, probably months ago. This wasn’t just a crime of passion, it was premeditated. This is first degree Mysa.” He almost sounded excited.

“So you are going to arrest her right?” I just wanted this to be over, I was exhausted by her betrayal.

“Well, I’ll try. We can at least get search warrant, as soon as I’m able to get a copy of the paperwork and take it to Rivera.”

I narrowed my eyes, “She’s not going to get away with this, one way or another she is going to pay.”

I wanted to be the one to make her pay. The rage in me was welling up again. I wanted blood, literal blood, I wanted to see the redness spill from inside her, the way it had me.

“You said your phone is here?” He asked, “Are you starting to remember things?”

“Not precisely, it’s more of a feeling, I’m certain it’s here, I know it’s important, but not precisely why.” I explained, “I’m sorry I know that isn’t very helpful.”

As I told him this I realized I was starting to remember more, just like being in the café with Keagan had sparked memories of past meals, being here was bringing something back. I focused on it, even though part of me wanted to stay away. That was a dark place, nothing good dwelt there. I would find only pain.

“Are you sure? Maybe if you try harder?” Alarik asked, annoyingly echoing my thoughts.

“I am trying,” I snapped back at him.

I was, harder now. Him speaking was distracting me, going to the effort that I had been low key maintaining this whole time, to be visible to him was distracting me. So I let go of it. He looked around in surprise. You would think by now he would be used to me popping in and out at will. I forgot him for the moment. I can’t say I closed my eyes, I didn’t have eyelids, but I did the spiritual equivalent to that, I went in to myself. I followed the pathway of my own consciousness to the core of it, and focused. There in the forest that I died in, surrounded by the same trees, I let the setting soak in and saturate me. I remembered the emotions first, first just happiness, a feeling of contentment. This abruptly changed, it was immediately replaced by surprise, and pain.

I could feel it now, my head hurt. It throbbed, and pulsed with the pain, so unbearably bad that it blocked out all other thought. Then, nothing. I went down further, went back further to the time before the pain. I felt the happiness, contentment, my legs burned a little with the effort of climbing the hill, I was short on breath, huffing my way up, but I was happy. I heard her laughter ahead of me, ten feet further up the hill, laughing at my struggle.

“Do you need to rest?” Karlyn asked me?

I laughed, out of breath as I was, “Maybe for just a quick minute,” I said catching up to her.

I pulled a water bottle out of my bag and took a big swig, then offered it to her. While she was preoccupied gulping down water I pulled out my phone. I loved taking candid photos, surprising people, so that I caught them in their element, not posing. She hated that I did that, Karlyn liked to control her own image. Maybe that was why I liked doing it so much. I turned and snapped quickly. I caught her just as she swung that giant walking stick right at my temple, then came the glaring pain, the shock, then nothing.

I reappeared to Alarik, back in the moment with him now, knowing something important.

“It’s here! I remember now.”

He looked back at me surprised, I don’t know if it was my sudden reappearance, or my declaration that caught him off guard.

“You do?” he asked.

“I do, it was her. I caught it on camera.”

He looked sad at that, like he had been holding out hope this whole time that it wouldn’t be.

“So there is proof, if we can find it.”

I said nothing, but went over to the exact spot I stood when she clubbed me. I had been holding it, I must have flung it somewhere as I fell, like I had accidentally a thousand times before with an accidental stumble. I did a wide sweep of the area as Alarik came over and joined me.

“Is this the spot?” he asked quietly.

I turned to him, if I could have cried there would have been tears in my eyes, “Yes.”

He just nodded, but I wasn’t paying any attention to him now, because I had seen it, a glint in the rocks. I moved to it quickly, excitement welling up. There is was, my proof! I had her, even that asshole Rivera couldn’t deny this! My phone was there, sitting in a pool of water, right where I had flung it.

“Fuck!” I screamed like a banshee, my screech reverberating through the quiet woods.

Alarik came over and picked it out of the pool, examining the damage. It was not only water logged but bashed in from hitting rocks on the way down. This was it, all I had on her, other than the circumstantial life insurance, and it was gone, destroyed, bashed in and then drowned. It was as dead as I was. Alarik didn’t seem to grasp the enormity of this failure as he studied the dead phone, or maybe part of him was relieved, I thought nastily. He hadn’t really wanted to have to arrest her. He looked at me seething with hatred and rage, and raised an eyebrow.

“They can recover the data from destroyed phones you know…”

No, I had not known. Now I felt a little bad about my unspoken accusation. He was a good cop, I knew that. He might not want it to be her, but he had accepted that it was. He would do what needed to be done.

“Oh.” I said, slightly embarrassed.

“It can take some time, I’ll have to get it to a tech lab, they disassemble it and pull a chip, as long as that’s intact, we’re good,” Alarik explained, “it might take us past the deadline, but I think the life insurance will be good enough to make Rivera extend it.”

………………………………………………………..

Rivera, it turned out, was not an accommodating man. First of all he asked too many questions. Questions it was hard for Alarik to answer without coming out and saying, “Well, a ghost told me so.” Unfortunately, that was probably not going to work out very well, so he had to come up with some excuses. It also turned out that Alarik was not a good liar. These two things combined, were not great for making a case to extend the deadline and get a warrant.

“I can get a copy of the insurance policy by tomorrow,” Alarik argued. “If there actually is one, you’re basing this off what? A third party over hearing a phone conversation?” Rivera wasn’t biting.

“If there isn’t one, and the phone is a dead end, then you can close the case,” Alarik said, knowing full well that both those things would turn out to be viable, if only he could get a bit more time.

“Your forty-eight is up. I’m sorry,” he lied, we all knew he wasn’t.

“So extend it. That was an arbitrary deadline that you yourself set, just give me another seventy- two and I’ll have your proof.” Alarik pleaded.

“I would like to,” another lie, “but her family deserves to have this put to rest, so they can get one with their grieving.”

What family? I was basically an orphan, my father was presumably still alive, but I hadn’t seen him in twenty years, and my mother had died in a car crash when I was twenty. Karlyn had been the closest thing I had to family. Well, and Keagan. Then it clicked, Karlyn had gotten to him.

“And City Council no doubt, wants this put to bed,” Alarik said with a sneer, “murdered girls aren’t great for tourism are they?”

Antagonizing Rivera really wasn’t helping us now. If I could have stomped on his foot I would have.

“What a coincidence, that City Council also happens to appoint the police chiefs around here….you wouldn’t be compromising an investigation just to curry favor with them now would you?” Alarik continued, unhelpfully.

Rivera went that particular shade of purple unique to him, “How. Dare. You.” He puffed out in a rage.

This was seconds away from being a straight up fist fight.

“You know, I have contacts at the FBI still, people who owe me favors. People who can get copies of insurance paperwork, and can decrypt damaged phones.” Alarik said in a tone that could only be a threat.

“None of that would be admissible, you should know that Mr. FBI” Rivera sneered.

“Maybe not in a court of law, but I think the press would find it pretty interesting, that kind of miscarriage of justice doesn’t look good in a new chief of police…” Alarik trailed off meaningfully.

Ok. Maybe he was onto something after all. I wasn’t sure that would be good enough though, sure Rivera would get drug through to coals for that, and I did enjoy that thought, but if Karlyn would be long gone. I got the feeling she knew how to disappear.

“If that happened, you would be forced to reopen that case anyway now wouldn’t you?” Alarik wore a self-satisfied smile now, he knew he had Rivera over a barrel. “You have one more day, and you better get a goddamn confession or I am closing this case, and it won’t be reopened no matter what you threaten.” Rivera said through gritted teeth.

Alarik nodded grimly, there was no way Karlyn would confess. She wasn’t some scared girl easily rattled. The way she had played him proved at least that. I doubted I was the first person she had killed, the way her face looked swinging the thick stick at my head, she wasn’t mad. She had been cold, there was no malice in it. My murder was just a means to an end for her.

Alarik turned to leave, he didn’t have any time to waste. I hoped he really did have those contacts in the FBI, we would need them.

“And Alarik,” Rivera called after him, “I don’t take kindly to threats.”

What he was really saying was, “I’m coming for you.”

……………………………………………………..

Alarik and I sat in his nondescript but still very obviously undercover police car in front of the station. He was silent, contemplating his next steps before he left the parking lot. I hoped he had something, because I was feeling pretty hopeless. How on earth were we going to get a confession? Karlyn would never crack, even if he went over there and confronted her head on with all the proof we had, she would just spin it somehow, and make herself look even more the victim. She would paint him as a vindictive detective, with a history of instability, and a dubious family tree, hell bent on recovering his lost career by building a false case against her. Actually, I had a feeling she already had, this “family” Rivera referenced. That was her.

“So, what now?” I asked him.

“Now, I call an old friend and hope he picks up,” answered Alarik, in a tone that did not instill confidence.

“One of those FBI contacts?”

“Sort of. I may have exaggerated that a bit,” Alarik admitted, “if anyone owes favors it’s me, but I might be able to convince him to do me one more.”

“Even if you do, she’s never going to confess.” I said dejectedly.

“She might, if we have proof. She might confess to make a deal for a reduced charge, third degree instead of first degree murder. It’s more common than you think.”

“Third degree murder? What’s that ten years?” I asked him outraged. “Maybe less with good behavior,” he was resigned to getting what he could at this point.

I was not. I didn’t care if I had to haunt her to the ends of the earth for the rest of time, so help me god, I would make her pay. It hit me then, it was so obvious I couldn’t believe it had taken me this long to see it. Granted this wouldn’t be easy, I wasn’t even completely sure I could do it, but it was worth a try. I had to try. It was really the only way through I could see. Well, the only way that didn’t involve a bullshit reduced sentence. Fuck that.

“I can do it.” I said.

He looked at me confused, “You? But you’re…”

Alarik didn’t want to say it but I would.

“Exactly, I’m dead.” I said with a smile, he hadn’t gotten it yet.

He just looked at me, still very confused.

“She won’t confess to you, no matter what you do or offer her. She thinks she’s cleverer than you. All she has to do is run out the clock and she knows it. Then off she goes with the insurance money, and I promise you. You won’t find her again.”

“Well, I have to try.”

Bless him, he looked so determined, I felt terrible for every doubting his resolve.

“She will never confess, to you.” I said triumphantly.

His brow furrowed. He was getting there, but too slowly.

“She might be prepared to you, she can lie and manipulate her way out of anything. What she isn’t prepared for is me.” I said more confidently than I felt.

“But, she can’t see you. You were there, the whole time with Keagan, and he had no idea. Apparently you were there with her and I, and she couldn’t see you then, what would be different now?”

“Now, I will be trying.”

…………………………………………………………………………….

I was in Karlyn’s apartment again, watching her. She furiously packed, like a woman in a panic that needed to leave town quickly. She must have heard Alarik found the phone. I wondered idly if Rivera had been the one to tell her. It wouldn’t matter, soon there would be so much proof even he couldn’t deny it. I relished the thought, of her rotting away in prison. I would haunt her there too, I decided. Make her look crazy enough to get put in solitary. I’d seen orange is the new black. There would be no jail house gang for her to rule. I’d make sure of it.

Alarik and I had devised a plan. We would divide and concur. We weren’t sure how long it would take me to get Karlyn to crack. I still wasn’t one-hundred percent sure I could even do it, but I didn’t tell him that. So, while I worked on her, he would get the physical evidence together, the photos from the phone, and the insurance paperwork using his FBI contacts. I could tell he wasn’t one-hundred percent sure he could do it in time either, but we both blustered through with false confidence. We had no room to express doubts with our precarious little plan. He would meet me (and Karlyn) here later where, with her primed by my terrorizing her, she would give him a full confession. Wham. Bam. Thank You Ma’am.

Now, I had to focus. I had a part to play, and goddamnit I was going to figure out this whole vengeful ghost thing. I was going to go full poltergeist on her ass. So, I concentrated. Hard. I focused on my own solidity the way I had when first appearing to Alarik. I had a feeling he was some kind of medium, susceptible to seeing behind the preverbal vail, but my theory was, I could make her see me too. With enough effort. Unlike before when I was trying to regain my memory I didn’t focus inward. Now I concentrated on my immediacy. I tried to be fully here, completely and totally in the now. Be solid. I told myself in refrain. Be solid. Be solid. Be solid. BE SOLID. It wasn’t working.

What was different now? I knew there had to be a way to do this. I would will into being, a way to do this. Then it hit me, what I needed to do. It was energy. That’s what was different. I hadn’t been able to appear to Alarik until I had possessed Karlyn. I had gotten it off of her. When I was in her I must have accidentally syphoned some off them. There had been so much sexual tension in the air, energy, life-force, had radiated off of them. I has accidentally taken a sip. Well now I would gulp.

I went to her, drawing closer. I noticed what had always been there, been around all of them. That pulsing aura of life. Everything glowed with it a little. I had gotten used to it, just flickering all around me. It’s a part of being a ghost, seeing things a little differently. Now I used that. I went inside her bubble. I pulled it into me, growing stronger with it. Powerful. She was mine now. She was starting to feel it, I could tell. Dizzily she sat down on her bed, flopping on top of clothes laid out to pack. I followed her down, growing drunk on her vitality as I drained it.

She could see me a little now, or maybe just feel me. Her sly eyes widened in fear as the life leaked out of her. I had thought I felt vengeful before, but that was nothing. I was justice itself now, cruel and fair. I had come here meaning only to scare her. I really had meant to follow our plan, get Alarik his arrest. I couldn’t do that now, I’d gone too far and lost any kind of control. She wouldn’t be leaving this room alive. I delved deeper into her, filling myself, gorging myself on her very soul. I could feel it weakening. Her heart pulsed so quickly, like a little mouse caught in a cats teeth, I pictured her squeaking in terror. The deeper into her I went the more I could feel it, her fear, and her anguish. All the regrets of her life surfaced now, the emotions she never let herself feel in life, she felt now. I could see her memories as they flashed through her, like a movie reel. I had been right she had killed before.

She played them out now, all the things she had done, all the things that had been done to her to make her the way that she was. It had been a hard life, full of sadness and pain. Eventually she had shut it off, shut down any emotion but the will to survive. In her mind, at least she had told herself, she had done what she had to, until bit by bit she became worse than those who had made her. I realized as I watched her life play out, that I was no longer outside of her. I had passed through the bubble and now we wore the same skin she and I. That was why I could feel her emotions, see her memories. I could feel her blood pulse through her veins like they were my own. It felt wonderful.

For the first time since that flash of surprise and pain, I actually felt something. I wiggled her fingers. I blinked her eyes. The tiny little evil thing that was her consciousness, her soul, was drained and powerless now, thanks to the big bites I had taken out of it. She didn’t even fight me, she had gone back to the scared little girl she started out as, curled around herself in a little ball. I could feel her there, pulsing with fear in the back of my mind. Yes, my mind, because I had taken it now. Those long luscious full curls were mine now. The intense blue eyes would look different if I went to a mirror, after all the eyes are the windows to the soul, weren’t they?

I built walls around that little person curled up and frightened. I imprisoned her in bindings tighter than any jail Alarik would have sent her to. There was justice in this, I told myself. She had taken my life, and now I would take hers. She, after all, started it. The thought of Alarik made me feel guilty, though. Any minute now he would know at her door, printed proof of her crime in hand, expecting that I had help up my part of the plan. He would expect a wide eyed, terrorized woman to meet him, ready to spill out all her secrets. I could do that, too. If I wanted. I could use her mouth to tell him everything, then repeat it again to Rivera, just to solidify her fate. Use her hand to put it in writing. Ride her body into a court house and swear on a bible then confess it all. There would be no plea deal for her then, and Alarik would come out looking like the hero cop who single handedly caught a serial killer. I could still do that. I could follow our plan, only better, but sorry Alarik. I wasn’t going to.

…………………………………………

There was a knock at the door. I had been expecting it, but it still made me jump. I knew what I wanted now, but I had to convince him to cooperate and that wouldn’t be easy. I got up off Karlyns bed, a little bit ungainly in this new body. I would get used to it, I assured myself. I opened Karlyn’s door, with Karlyn’s hand, and told Alarik “Hello,” with Karlyn’s voice.

Alarik startled, taking a step back. I wondered if it was because she really did look different with me driving inside her. Maybe, he had just expected a scared woman, ready to confess, instead of one brimming with happiness at all the possibility now offering itself to her.

“Come inside, Detective,” I invited, using the title she called him for some reason, instead of the first name I always used.

He followed me/her inside, and went to the couch where we seated ourselves civilly. Like he was over for tea, instead of to arrest me/her. He looked around at the condition of her apartment, it was clear she had been packing up in a hurry.

“Going somewhere?” he asked, setting down the manila folder he held on the coffee table.

So he had found something at least. What I had been hoping for before, now became unwelcome news.

“Maybe,” I said, smiling with Karlyn’s mouth.

I wondered if it looked like her smile, or like mine.

“Feeling the need to get out of town quickly?” He cocked his head to the side, in fake inquiry, he knew the answer of course.

“I’m thinking I need a change.” I answered, I knew I would have to tell him, but I was waiting for an opening.

There was never going to be an opening for this. He reached down, ready to flip open the folder in his big reveal. No doubt he was recording this all for later reference. He hesitated before he did, looking around puzzled. I realized he was looking for me. Right, he would be expecting to at least see me, even if I had failed, I would still be there. I placed my hand over his, stopping him from opening it. I knew what was in there, I didn’t need to see it.

“Alarik,” I said, sounding more like myself.

Enough like myself that he looked up, suddenly very confused. “It’s me.” I told him.

He knew what I meant, he knew who “me” was, I could see the recognition play across his face, even as he rejected it. I took his hand, the way people do when they want to comfort you as they deliver bad news. Why did they do that? Why was I?

“I’m Mysa.”

“Noooooo….” He trailed off, still rejecting the implications here.

“I had to Alarik! She couldn’t see me, it wasn’t working!” I tried to explain myself, “I couldn’t let her get away with it!”

“Mysa! You can’t!” He pulled back stunned, horror blooming on his face, “I’ll make her pay, I will. I have the proof now, but this isn’t right. This is not the way.”

“It is though, don’t you see? I have a second chance now!” I practically yelled it. I jumped off the couch impassioned by my own argument. I had to make him see. This was right, this was justice.

“Is she…” he paused, not wanting to have to ask, “still, in there?”

“She’s alive, yes.” I said, “she’s…. contained.”

“For how long?” He demanded.

“Forever, I won’t let her break free.” I said confidently.

I was pretty sure that I was confident. She was on lockdown. I hoped.

“Ok.” He said, logic catching up with emotion, “We can use this, you just have to stay in control long enough to make a full confession.”

“I thought about that,” I said, “but no, I’m not going to do that.”

“But, Mysa it’s perfect. Rivera can’t repute it if she confesses right in front of him! You’ll get what you want. Justice. No deal, no reduced sentence plea bargain, full justice. That’s a win.”

I knelt down in front of him, taking his hands, “Please,” I begged him, “This is my chance. I can start again. Just drop the case, let Rivera rule it an accident. Go back to the FBI, you know you’re not crazy now, you can get your old life back.”

“And, what? You’ll just go on possessing her? Collect your own life insurance and go on like nothing happened? What happens when she gets tired of you wearing her skin, and kicks you out of it?” He argued.

“She won’t I’ve got her!” I said, “You owe me this! Just let me live, and you’ll never see me again. I’ll go, start over somewhere else. We can both move on.”

He just looked at me, silently.