First I want to tell you that you are valid, and you deserve love, and you are so brave and strong to have made it this far. You are not messed-up; no one is. You are only you, and you are trying your best, and that is beautiful.
I know that the world can be a horrible place. The same thoughts you expressed in your post have plagued my own mind as well, and I know it’s so hard to ignore them. I know that sometimes each moment is a fight.
I’ve found it helpful to write down a list- reasons to be happy. Sometimes, I know, we make lists in our heads of just the opposite. Try thinking instead about how the rain feels on your skin, how light appears red and warm against your closed eyelids, the way it looks when someone you love smiles at you. The reasons don’t have to be big. They don’t have to feel important to anyone but you. If they make you feel happy, even for just a second, then they’re valid. There is no reason too small or insignificant if it makes you want to stay alive. If you’re still alive because there are cookies in the oven and you want to taste one, great! If you’re still alive because you’re petting a cat who won’t stop purring and who would be sad if you stopped petting him, great! If you’re still alive because you’re reading this letter and you want to get to the end, great! Seriously, no reason is stupid if it’s keeping you alive.
Please tell your parents or someone else you can trust (a doctor, a teacher, an adult relative, somebody) that you are going through this. Please. You deserve to get help, and you deserve to survive in this world. No, not survive. You deserve to thrive. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else does. No one is going to think you’re a burden for trusting them with this. They’re only going to be thankful that you did, that you knew that you could ask for help. Counselors and people who love you can really help.
I don’t know you, but I just think you’re so brave for even posting this, and I want you to know that the world is getting better. There is so much hope. Some people do bad things, but most people know that the world can be better and are helping to make it that way.
I’m sending virtual hugs your way, and I hope everything gets better for you, because it can. Really.
Love and hugs <3